“They said you were the one who killed him.”
She didn’t want it to go this way. Wanted to ease into the confession. Nevertheless, she had to be honest, even if it meant losing him. Arden took a deep breath, keeping eye contact. “I did,” she said clearly as she pulled herself up straight and waited for the fallout.
A look of betrayal clouded his face.
It nearly tore her in two, but the reaction was exactly as she’d expected. They didn’t have time for this, not if she wanted him to understand. “You knew the truth of it before you decided to speak with me.”
“I’d hoped it was wrong.”
There was nothing she could say to make Rylick’s death better. She offered, “I’m sorry.” And she meant it.
Dade’s gaze strayed to her shoulder where the bulk of the bandage pushed out her cloak. “You were hit.”
“It’s nothing,” she said, because she had her life. This would heal.
“It doesn’t look like ‘nothing.’”
Behind him, she could see the disk in the glass tube slowly descending, ticking away their time. “This isn’t what I want to speak about.”
“What is it you wanted, if not to beg forgiveness for my cousin’s murder?” Dade asked, letting her feel the full brunt of his anger.
“My cousin died as well,” Arden said softly.
“You shouldn’t have been there. I warned you.” He was shaking now, his eyes narrow slits. “If you weren’t at the factory, none of this would have happened.”
“You knew we were going to steal the VitD,” she accused, unsure why she was pushing it. “We had to.”
Dade’s lips pressed together. He closed his eyes a long moment and then opened them. “There’s always another way.”
“There’s not.” She poked herself in the chest. “I live in this world, Dade. It’s seedy and cruel, and horrible things happen. I didn’t make the rules. I just survive any way I can. And sometimes”—her voice broke—“we lose people.”
“It’s not about the VitD. I steal it too,” he said. “It’s about your insatiable need to crush my family.”
“Not my need.” But still, there was that push from Lasair. He was right that she felt anger, and she wanted to make everyone pay.
“I sympathize that people are suffering. I’ve done what I can to help them,” Dade said. He looked even more furious now than before, and Arden knew she was losing ground. “But that does not mean I can accept your desire to hurt people. What have you done to help them? It seems to me that you’ve just accepted the way things are. You’re not looking for change.”
She felt those words like a kick in the chest. They practically stopped her heart. Arden lashed out. “So I have to turn against my family? Is that what you’re saying?” She wanted to shake him. Make him listen to reason. “Don’t blame me because I’m doing what’s necessary. You may think stealing your family’s meds and giving them away makes you a better person than me, but it doesn’t. You had all the power to begin with.”
Arden regretted the words the instant she said them. She knew he cared. And yet, she couldn’t force herself to take them back. She was every bit as caught up in this mess as he was.
His reaction was unexpected. Instead of yelling at her, he frowned. Looked more distraught than she could ever remember anyone being. “Why are we fighting?”
She paused. “I don’t know.”
“I don’t want to argue with you. I want you safe,” he said. “This thing between our families is not over.”
Arden nodded. “I know.”
“Many more people are going to die.” He grabbed her hands, holding them in his and squeezing them. “We need to find a way to stop this. I know Lasair is planning something, just like I know my father is. It’s up to us to end the war.”
His words broke her heart. “I don’t know if we can.”
Dade frowned.
The quadralift was almost there. She could see the bottom of the hoverdisk. “We’re out of time.”
“I know.” He pulled her close then, reeling her in with his hands. Then he leaned down and pressed his mouth to hers. His lips felt soft, just a flutter of a touch.
He kissed her as if saying goodbye.
Because she knew what goodbye felt like.
Her heart broke. Shattered into pieces right there. He may have been holding her, but he felt far away. She broke his hold to grip his arms and press in. Pushing the kiss harder. If this was to be their last one, he would remember it.
All of her anger and hurt came surging forward, all her loss and guilt. The unavoidable end of her relationship with Dade. Her feelings flowed from her in the way she touched him. She wanted him to understand her pain.
Then he pulled away. He looked at her hard. “This is not the end.”
She nodded, not believing him.
“Go.” He pushed her away.
She looked behind him, realizing that their time was up. She could see the murky outline of the three guards. The hoverdisk, still translucent, was not quite low enough to make their faces visible.
From the way they held their bodies, she could tell they had their phasers out. Arden needed to leave.
He hadn’t forgiven her, and yet he was still pushing for this relationship. She was now more conflicted than before they talked.
“Are we going to survive this?” she asked.
“I don’t know.”
She turned around then and walked away, disappearing into the bustle of the city.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Arden had no idea where to go. It had been a few days since she’d spoken to Dade. She’d needed a little time to think and didn’t want to be around Niall or the gang. There was too much in her head that she needed to sort out. She’d used up all her non-Lasair hideouts. Niall would find her eventually even though she’d shut off the locator on her datapad. Arden still wasn’t ready to face him. But she knew she couldn’t put it off for much longer.
She approached the church from the back. It was the last spot she’d figured Niall would look for her. When she’d thought of it, she almost didn’t use it because of Dade. Then had thought better of it. If Dade knew she needed a quiet place to think, he’d be the first person to offer up the church.
The robed man who opened the door appeared to know who she was.
“May the sun shine for all,” she said, offering him a slight bow, her palms pressed together.
He didn’t speak as he ushered her into the church and led her to a sparsely furnished sitting room. She sat on the decayed couch, pulling her cloak closer around her. There was a fire, but it did little to quench the draft. Plus, she had a feeling that the cold seeped deeper into her body than the temperature. It was in her soul. From the moment she’d walked away from Dade, she hadn’t been able to stop shivering.