I can’t give him anything. I can’t do anything but hold him tight and stroke him with my hands and words. “I’m so, so sorry, baby... I’m so sorry.”
What’s worse than the feeling that you can’t do anything? I wrap him in my arms and legs and push my face against his hot, damp face, but I can’t take the pain. My thoughts race as I whisper to him, as I stroke his burning back and shoulders. I can see the children on his magnet, eating watermelon, getting covered in the sticky juice, then doing fancy dives into the pool. The water was warm and we were joyous, floating, staring at the sky as it got dark. I see pink clouds shifting over us, moving on fast-forward. I can see the stars from Dash’s roof; I feel his head on my lap. I can hear his drunken words to me down by the lake another night.
I blamed her for it. I could tell she knew something, and she chose Dash. She chose all her vices. The Frasier kids, my once-best friends, became a barbed-wire memory. I stayed far away. I remember little Lexie with her curly head held high, her curving lips and secret eyes and always that excitement. I remember older Lex on Instagram, posing with that sly cat mouth and flawless body.
Was she happy?
What happened?
She was close to Dash. I know because on her Instagram, she would sometimes share some nature shots or action shots and caption them with things like #TakenByMyBachelorBrother.
I missed years. I’m slammed with my own ignorance as Dash goes still and quiet. His shoulders jerk, his hands hold on and then relax. I think he’s asleep before he whispers, “Overdose.” The word cracks.
“God, Dash.”
I feel his tears on my throat. “I just talked to her. I tried to go get her…but they won’t let me.” His whole body trembles on a sob.
“Oh, baby…” I hold him tight against me. When he seems a little more composed, I whisper, “Where’d it happen?”
“Jamaica.” He shudders, his breaths coming in little jerks. “She had…a job down there.”
I rub his back and shoulders, hoping I can get him to stop shaking.
“I’m sorry that…I didn’t call, Am.”
“No. It’s okay. Don’t worry, baby.”
His face presses into my shoulder, and he presses me against him. “I should have called her more.”
“How much you called her wouldn’t matter. I don’t know what happened, D, but you weren’t holding Lex together. You couldn’t have.”
I feel him take a big breath, let it out.
“Had she had issues with this stuff since high school?”
“Yeah,” he whispers. “But she had gotten clean.”
I squeeze him, wrapping both my arms around his head and shoulders. “Do you think it was an accident?”
I feel him shaking as he nods against me. He doesn’t move for a long time after that, but I can tell he’s not asleep because he’s breathing too fast.
“I can’t believe it. I try to…but I can’t.” His words are almost gasps, as if he’s hyperventilating. “I told her I had fucked…it up with you and…she… She wasn’t…like my parents. She loved me.”
His voice cracks on the word, and my heart with it.
“I’m so sorry. Other people care about you, Dash. I do.”
His body trembles harder. “You shouldn’t, Am.”
“But I do. It doesn’t matter if I should, because I do.” I kiss his hair. I rub my hands down his broad back. “I’ve cared for you since you saved me from the pool, when I was six. And all through school, and even after, when it made no sense. I’m here, okay? I’m not leaving. I’m here with you.”
He says something up against my chest, which sounds like, “Don’t deserve it.”
I just keep stroking his back, holding him close. “You do, baby. Try to go to sleep. I’ll stay with you, and I can watch your phone if you want…”
“Love you,” he rasps. The words are warm against my skin.
A few minutes later, I can feel his body slacken. Dash sleeps for maybe an hour. I keep my eyes shut, too, and fold myself around him. As if by holding him as close as possible to me, I can take his pain away.
When he stirs, and pulls slightly away, I let him. I shift onto my side, lying with my cheek propped in my palm as Dash stretches out on his back. His mouth is stretched into a thin line, and his eyes are shut.
After a moment’s hesitation, I reach out and stroke the hair along his forehead.
“I tried to help her,” he whispers. “I thought she was doing better.”
Nothing I could say would help, so I just stroke his arm and lace my fingers through his.
Dash lies in my bed all night, awake with his eyes closed, finally turning on his side, his body angled in my direction. I turn so I’m facing him and fold his hand between mine. I tuck it under my chin, over my heart, and as the minutes slide by, I wonder what he’s playing in his mind… what kind of reels. When I’m not hurting for him, I’m remembering Lex. Over and over again, I see her thrust her hand out to me by the pool that day, the drama on her pretty face, the playful, happy smile she always had when we were friends. I remember racing through the woods, the way Lexie would pose at the end of the diving board, with one hip out. I remember straightening her curly hair and how I used to envy her big boobs when we reached middle school.
Lexie Frasier seemed so perfect then. And then Dash left, and she went off the deep end. I wasn’t comfortable with all the things that she was doing, and I knew Lex thought I was lame. But I still loved her. I remember hugging her at graduation. We went swimming more than once that summer. Every now and then, she used to email. There was never anything but goodwill between the two of us. Sometimes friendships aren’t supposed to last forever.
But it still hurts so much to know she’s gone.
And how much worse when I see tears on Dash’s cheeks.
His eyes hold mine for just a moment. Then he curls himself around me, snuggles close, and sleeps. I’m woken sometime later by a soft kiss on my temple, and his ragged whisper, “Do you have some Advil, Ammy?”
“Yeah…” I kiss his cheek. “I’ll get you some.”
Stupid that I didn’t think of that already. When I get back, he’s in the bathroom with the door cracked open, pulling on his pants.
“Where ya going?” I ask softly.
“I have to go home.” His voice is quiet, and I can’t read his face.
Once his shirt is on, he steps into my room and sits down on the floor to put his shoes on.
“Do you want some company?”
His gaze flicks up, his round eyes holding mine.
“I can stay at a hotel or something. I just thought…I’d like to drive you, if you want. It’s okay if you don’t. No pressure.”
He stands up and moves to me, putting his hands on my face. He brushes his lips over mine, his eyelids heavy as he then kisses my cheek. “You’re too good.”
“Nah. Only to you.”
“Are you sure?” He kisses my temple.
I hug him. “Yeah, of course I’m sure.”
“I’ve gotta leave in an hour. I’ll come back down?” His eyebrows arch.