My mom makes the announcement over breakfast.
“I have made up my mind. You are not going.” She says this as she spreads marmalade on her toast, all calm and quiet.
It doesn’t fully process at first. Sammie’s gone back up to her apartment to get ready for school, and Mila’s still in her pajamas. The sun isn’t up yet. I haven’t poured sugar into my coffee. I haven’t even taken a sip.
“Mama, what are you talking about?”
She puts down her knife and looks at me. “It’s too expensive. We cannot afford it. And it is too much work for you. The doctors say you work too hard. You’ve made yourself sick.”
“Are you talking about the Engineering Academy?” It’s just too early to fully comprehend the context of what my mom is saying.
“Of course I am talking about the Engineering Academy. I have made my decision and you cannot argue with me. I’m not allowing you to go.” She picks up her mug to take a sip of her coffee. She’s still cool and calm and quiet.
But I’m instantly awake.
And my mind is anything but quiet.
The anxiety rushes over me harder than caffeine. The sweat, the heart palpitations, the tears. “Mama, no,” I start to plead. “I’m going. I have to go.”
“No.” She slams her coffee mug down on the table, but her voice is still steady.
“But we need to talk to Dad. He won’t agree with you. He wants me to go—”
“No. I will not pay for it, and neither will your father. I have already talked to him. We can get a refund, and it is done.”
“What? You talked to Dad?” My dad’s had to go on business trips since I was little, but this is the longest he’s ever been away, and I don’t know what’s happening with him and my mom. “When?”
“I’m sorry, Viviana. I spoke to him last night.”
“Mama, please—”
“You will stay home and rest this summer.”
Mila gets excited. “I want to stay at home, too! I want to stay home with Vivi!” I know she would be perfectly happy to stay home from Camp Sportz, where she said the third and fourth graders were mean to her last summer, but that’s not what we had planned.
“I can’t just sit around all summer doing nothing. It won’t look good on my college applications.”
“You’re not going back,” my mom says. “End of discussion.”
“Please, Vivi,” Mila begs. “Let us both stay home. We’ll have so much fun.”
My mom shakes her head and says something to herself in Russian and then finally instructs Mila to get her bag together for school. After Mila’s left the room, my mom turns back to me. “It’s been too much, Viviana. Didn’t you hear anything the doctors said? They told you to slow down. You need to slow down.”
She can’t do this to me. She can’t just strip away the only good thing I have.
But she can.
I can’t speak. I can’t breathe.
I try to force out the words: “I don’t need to slow down. I don’t want to slow down. I can fix this—”
She throws her hands up. “You haven’t been making good decisions. Not at all. So I will make the decision for you.” And then she half-whispers at me: “We need to keep a close eye on you. You are not living away at a camp for that long. We need to know we can trust you. Right now, you’re a bad role model for your little sister.”
I know what this dig is about.
I know it’s not about the fall or my academic stuff or even my health.
I know it’s really about what I did with Dean.
She’s caught me. And there’s nothing I can say.
She’s made her decision.
And so has my father, apparently.
Without even talking to me.
Habits of an Effective Test Taker #3
Effective test takers are honest with themselves about how much effort they’re willing to put in to do well on the exam. It’s true that you can learn anything, but you have to be willing to commit to doing the work.
My mom makes sure I’ve calmed down before she and Mila leave for school. She makes me promise not to study for the other AP exams I have next week. I lie and say that I won’t.
After they leave, I text Sammie to tell her the news. She’s already on the bus on her way to school, but she texts back that she’s sorry and wishes she could do something for me.