My questions are on the tip of my tongue.
I could tell them what I heard—what I know.
He inches toward me and reaches for my arm. “I’ve come to realize that you three matter to me more than anything.”
His words to Paige echo: more than anything.
The room spins.
I could tell her now. I should tell her now.
My mom looks at my father. “We are trying to save twenty years of our lives together.”
I want to cry, to scream, to yell, to wake up Mila, to wake up the entire building, to shout the truth about his horrible, cruel lie to anyone who will listen. I want my mother to know that she’s been tricked—we all have.
I look at her. She whispers, through her tears, “We love you both so very much.”
I can’t do it. I can’t hurt her, and I can’t hurt Mila. If they find out, their entire lives will be destroyed.
I stand up, and my father stands up, too, thinking he’s going to be able to give me another awkward hug. But I don’t let him. Instead, I run to my room.
I lock the door and collapse on my bed.
I hear my parents’ whispers in the hallway, my name, Mila’s name—they hover by my door, and then they walk away.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
Slowly, slowly, the darkness settles me. I listen to my parents’ night noises and finally I am calmed by the silence of a sleeping apartment. I lie on my back and take control of my breath. With each inhale, I see it all: my father for what he is, my mother for how she tries, Mila for everything she wants from us.
I’ve already learned what it means to hurt someone I love.
I will never do it again.
Habits of an Effective Test Taker #5
Trust your first impressions. The first answer that comes to mind is often the correct one.
I can’t fall asleep. It’s 4:00 A.M. I’ve tried reading, staring out the window, writing five texts to Sammie that I ended up not sending, and looking up Evan’s Instagram account because when you’re on the verge of a full-blown Episode in the middle of the night, all rational thoughts are meaningless, and even guilt isn’t enough to stop you from doing stupid things.
I can’t toss and turn anymore, so I finally get out of bed. I head to the kitchen to make myself some toast. I figure I’ll watch TV on mute to see if that will help me fall asleep. And if I don’t fall asleep, I’ll just suck it up and be tired at work later. I’ve gone days without sleeping before. I’ll just make sure not to get on any bicycles.
I’m about to spread jam on my toast when I see it.
My dad’s phone.
It lights up and buzzes.
Someone’s texting him in the middle of the night.
I reach for it.
Fortunately, my dad doesn’t have a pass code on his phone. For someone who likes to lie so much, he really should.
I slide the phone open and open his messages. There it is. A message from Paige. More Than Anything Paige.
Can’t sleep. Too excited to see you tomorrow. 6:00 P.M., right?
And then a second text:
The kids can’t wait, either. All day they kept asking if Daddy will bring them toys, but I know they really just want YOU here.
And then a third:
You’ve been gone too long these past few months. We need to talk. I know you don’t want to hear it, but it’s hard. I will go back to work if it means you finally coming home for good.
And finally:
Please let’s talk? I know you’re awake. Your secretary said you were on your way to the airport. Talk to me, Benjamin.
She thinks he’s in Singapore.
She thinks he’s her husband.
She thinks he’s the father of her kids.
She doesn’t know about us.
The toaster dings and snaps me out of my shock, but not soon enough. The bread is completely burned and the kitchen stinks.
I shut off his phone and run to my room.
I text Sammie.
Please can I come over? My life is falling apart.
I press SEND, but I don’t wait for her response.
I throw on my gym shoes, grab my mom’s keys, and run out of the apartment.
*
My phone vibrates.
Of course.
It’s Sammie. I never should have texted her. I should throw my phone off this roof.
A few minutes later: Where are you?
Where am I?
I am thirty-eight stories into the sky. There are stars here. I am on my back, falling into this hard, damp floor. I close my eyes, and the words are there in the dark of my lids. I am spinning below them.
My mom just got home, but she’s asleep. Come upstairs.
There is a hot wind. There is the weight of rain, not yet here. A heavy pressure of water coming.
I’m at the door. I’m waiting for you.
The words of this other woman. The real truth of her life. Of his life. The words are there in the dark of my lids.
I’m here. Where are you?
Breathe, Viviana. Breathe yourself out. Breathe yourself out of this spinning place.
The words are still there when I open my eyes.
You matter.
More than anything.
All of it: lies.