Who is he talking to?
“Yes, Paige, I love you, too.… I always have.… Yes, more than anything. More than ever.”
Oh my God. What is happening?
The words register, one by one.
The truth swells over me.
The truth about why he’s leaving. Or rather, why he left. Why he disappeared and my mom’s back in school and why no one’s explained anything about anything.
The city sways below me. I could fall into it, into the reality that is my life.
“Vivi? Are you okay?” Sammie’s leaning out the door.
I look at her and shake my head.
“What’s going on?”
“I can’t be out here right now.”
“Okay.” She reaches her hand out to me, and I take it.
I step inside, into her arms.
But then I pull back.
“I kissed Evan,” I say. “And he kissed me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Sammie.”
“Wait … what? What are you talking about? When did you kiss Evan?”
“Yesterday. At the pool. After you left.”
“Before I told you I was over him?”
I nod. “And again. Just now in the bathroom. Oh God—” I feel like I need to sit down. I reach out to her, but she pulls away. “Sammie, I’m so very sorry. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.”
I say this, but it’s too late. Her face changes. She sees me now for what I am. Whereas a minute ago she was my only friend, I can see that, here, now that I see the truth of what I am and where I came from, I am nothing but her ultimate pain and betrayal.
Just like my dad.
“Nice,” she says. “Real nice. You know how much I like him. I thought I could trust you.”
“You can, Sammie. You can—”
But then she turns away from me and starts running toward the door. She’s stopped by Evan, who emerges from the bathroom, two pill bottles in each hand.
“I think I found it,” he says. “I think I found what he doesn’t want anyone to know.”
“I could really care less,” she says. And then she runs past him, out the door. Behind her, Professor Cox’s dog barks at her ankles and then moans when the door slams.
Evan looks at me, confused. “What was that about?”
“Nothing.” The dog comes up to me and barks at my feet.
I feel sick. Nauseous. Dizzy.
“Is everything okay?”
“No,” I choke out. “It’s not.”
Evan walks toward me and reaches out to touch my arm.
I step back. “Please don’t touch me.”
“Okay…”
“And please don’t kiss me. No more. Not ever again.”
“You kissed me.”
“I know. I did. And I shouldn’t have. I can’t do this. I shouldn’t have done this.”
“Is this about Sammie?”
“Yes—no. I mean, it is. And it’s not. It’s just—I need to get out of here.”
I run out of the apartment, half-hoping to find Sammie in the hallway so I can beg for forgiveness, half-hoping she’s gone so I don’t have to face her.
The hallway is empty. I can’t go back to my apartment. I can’t face my dad.
I can’t call Sammie, and I can’t go back to Evan.
I take the emergency stairs all the way down to the lobby. I exit the building.
The city has woken up. The sidewalks are bustling with businesspeople, families, kids.
They’re all spinning around me. Spiraling around me.
I can’t pass out again. I can’t end up in the ER again.
I crouch down on a curb and try to breathe. I’m stuck, in the middle of the sidewalk, crying, sobbing, heaving for breath. I can feel passersby giving me funny looks, so I wipe my face and start walking.
But I don’t know where to go.
I have nowhere to go.
I have no one to go to.
PART THREE
Viviana Rabinovich-Lowe’s College Application Checklist
□ May: AP Exams bombed
□ June–July: Design and Engineering Summer Academy thwarted
□ July: Work on College Apps
□ August: Work on College Apps; Study for SAT
□ September: Finalize Stanford Application
SAT Math: Sample Question
A researcher wants to know if there is an association between lies, heartbreak, and life suckage for the population of sixteen-year-olds in the United States. After conducting a broad survey, which of the following conclusions is most relevant to this study?
(A) Girls who fall for cute guys despite their best intentions experience the most major life suckage.
(B) Girls who kiss their best friend’s crushes and then lie about it experience the most major life suckage.
(C) Girls who discover their fathers are involved with other women mere months after leaving their families experience the most major life suckage.
(D) Girls with broken hearts experience the most major life suckage.
(E) All of the above.