There is more silence, and I grab the oar and hold it out in front of me as though I’m about to defend myself against a tribe of warriors.
“If you don’t tell me, I’ll jump off and I’ll go to the bottom and you won’t be able to stop me.”
I don’t know why I’m acting so crazy. Maybe the depth really has messed with my mind.
Danny flinches. Then he speaks in a whisper. “He’s back.”
I drop the oar and it lands on Joey’s foot. He bites his lip but doesn’t say anything.
“Since when?”
“A couple of days ago.”
So that’s why Danny is in a mood. The boys all hang their heads guiltily. Joey looks up and shrugs.
“I didn’t know until this morning,” he explains, thinking that it matters to me.
“Right—let’s go back, then.”
I don’t let the excitement or fear show on my face. So he’s back. And he owes me an explanation. I reach over Rex and start the motor. The boys all fall to the floor, but Danny scrambles back up and drives us back to the harbor.
I glance at the black water. I picture Eddie’s body tumbling down into the drop-off, and I let out a sob.
“Are you okay?” Joey whispers.
I nod. These last few weeks, I’ve imagined that Eddie might have been at peace in his last moments—the bright colors, the sense of freedom, the lightness. But the water here is cold, dark, and creepy. He would have been terrified. My stomach starts cramping. For the first time, Eddie’s death is starting to seem real to me. I’m even surer of my plan now. I’ve got to get to the bottom, to say goodbye, to tell him that I’m there, to tell him that I’m sorry.
10
LARA SNEEZES RIGHT AFTER I’VE PUT BLUE MASCARA ON HER, so she has to wash it off and we start over again. We are locked in the bathroom so my mother doesn’t interrupt us. Every time a floorboard creaks in the hallway, Lara whispers, “Is that Dillon?”
“I told you, he’s not here.”
It’s hot today, and I feel horrible and sticky. I wipe my sweaty hands on a towel.
“What’s the deal with him?”
“You tell me,” I say. “You spend more time with him than I do.”
“Not anymore,” she says sadly.
I feel a bit sorry for her. She obviously really likes him.
I don’t want her to wear my Ruby Red, so I search through my makeup bag and find a pink one that I think will suit her better. When I’ve finished, she pouts in the mirror.
“He won’t be able to resist me,” she says, running her fingers through her perfect straight hair.
She’s wearing skinny jeans and a top that she borrowed from her mum, and tries to make me change out of my combat trousers.
“I don’t have anything else. Isn’t it enough that I’ve agreed to come with you?” I ask.
Especially when all I want to do is find Tay. I’ve been to the boathouse several times, and there’s been no sign of him.
“Your turn,” Lara says, waving the mascara wand at me. “If you wear makeup, maybe no one will notice your clothes.”
“Not much you can do with this face,” I say.
When I look in the mirror, though, I’m reminded of how much I’ve changed recently. My cheeks have thinned, and I no longer have a double chin. Danny’s workout sessions are responsible for this. I’m not sure I like the way I look, though—older, more grown-up. I don’t have Eddie’s round baby face anymore.
The bus drops us in the center of Inverness, and Lara leads us straight to a bar.
“Head up, look confident,” she whispers as we join the queue.
I can’t believe it when the bouncers let us in. I had my fake birthday in my head just in case.
She gives me a tenner and tells me to go to the bar while she visits the ladies’ to touch up her makeup.
“I’ll have what you’re having,” she says.
The bar is hot and sweaty, and Beyoncé is belting out from a speaker. Everyone is really dressed up, and I suddenly wish I had tried to squeeze into one of Mum’s sparkly tops. The girls are all in high heels and tiny skirts. But even with my new appearance, I wouldn’t want to get my legs out. I put flip-flops on because Lara said they would be better than trainers, but now they are stuck to the floor and my feet are covered in beer.
I finally get to the bar and order two shandies. I think he’s going to ask me for ID, but he eventually asks, “Lager or bitter?”
“Lager,” I say, and give him the tenner.
While I wait for Lara, I get jostled and spill half the drinks. I close my eyes and imagine that I am under the water and that I have all the space in the world. Tay is there, gliding beside me. And then, in my daydream, he starts to talk.
“What are you doing, Elsie?”
I open my eyes and he’s right in front of me. I blink. It’s weird seeing him outside the Black Isle. He looks different. His hair has grown longer too, and hangs over his eyes. He’s still wearing his black jeans, but instead of a T-shirt or hoodie, he’s wearing a checked button-down shirt. Punch him or hug him? I can’t do either because I’m still holding two pints.