“Danny tell you what happened?” she asked me.
I nodded in reply. “I’m so sorry, love,” I said. “I don’t know what to say.”
“I know you want to make this right. You want to fix me. I’d want exactly the same for you if our roles were reversed. But I’m not the same person I was a year ago. Being cross-examined was like being raped all over again. Only this time they all know. The science even told them I was telling the truth, and still they don’t believe me. I’m different than I was then, though. I feel dirty and abused. I want a shower so hot it’ll boil my skin, and when we’re curled up in bed later, I’ll want a good cry. But when that’s all done, I won’t run and hide. I won’t be the little mouse to his big, fat cat. This time I have you and Danny and the rest of my family. So today is going to be shitty, and tomorrow is probably going to be worse, but we’ll get through it.”
“And if he gets released?” I asked because I’d seen how fearful she was back then and I didn’t want that life for her.
“Then we’ll deal with that too. And honestly I don’t know what he’ll do if he does go free. I’m not alone anymore, and he’s been accused once. Even if there isn’t enough evidence to convict him, maybe mud will stick,” she answered. She still sounded strangely detached, but at least now I had more of an idea where her head was at.
“How do you get to be so strong?” I asked.
“I found myself a family of fighters,” she replied with a small smile. It was small but I would take it. “Why did we really come here?” she asked.
“Because I wanted to remind you that Frank is all about your past, but this is our future. For better or worse, once this trial is done, this is the future we have to look forward to together.”
“You’re a good man, Cormac O’Connell,” she replied softly.
“I know, baby,” I said on a sigh, like my goodness was more like a burden I had to carry. It was all sarcasm. I wasn’t a good man. Given the opportunity, I’d cut Frank’s balls off with a rusty bread knife and feed them to him. In my book, rapists deserved nothing less. Em knew that about me and loved me anyway. “Come on, baby. Let’s get you home. You get a hot shower and a broad chest to cry on.”
She reached over and linked her fingers with mine, and I thanked God for the connection. My Em was buried under a mountain of pain and grief, but she was still there, and I’d keep digging until she was back here with me where she belonged.
*
The next day dawned and I can’t say I’d had much sleep. I spent nearly the whole night just watching over her. After the stress and worry of having to give evidence, Em seemed exhausted. She’d slept for more than ten hours when I woke her.
“We have to get going soon if we’re going to make it to court,” I warned her. I’d showered and shaved and was already wearing my suit when I crouched beside her. She turned over in bed and leaned on one arm as she brushed some lint off my shirt with the other.
“I’m not going.” Her voice was gravelly, like she’d been crying. I hadn’t taken my eyes off her for most of the night but I had the feeling she’d have a good cry the minute she was alone.
“Then I’ll stay too,” I told her.
“No. I need her to see you in that courtroom. She’s talked a lot about wanting to be part of my life again, so let’s see if she saves me or throws me to the wolves. Seeing you there will remind her of the choice she’s making.”
“I’d never make you do anything you didn’t want to do but don’t you think she’d be more rattled if you were there?”
She fiddled with my tie knot absentmindedly as she chose her words. “When she closed the door and let Frank rape me, a part of me died. I lost my virginity and my mother at the same time. I can’t go back there. If she’s going to betray me again, I need you to cushion the fall.”
I nodded and kissed her forehead. “Try and get some sleep, baby,” I told her. “You look exhausted.”
“You’ll ring me as soon as you know anything?” she asked.
“No. Whatever there is to tell you, I’ll say as soon as I get home. That way you won’t fear the worst if you don’t hear and you won’t be waiting on my call.”
Sitting up, she hugged me tightly, like it was the last time she’d ever get to do it, and kissed me good-bye. I let Kieran in after a gentle knock sounded at the flat door. The main security door was about as secure as our gym lockers, meaning that none of the guys ever bothered even buzzing anymore.
“Can you give me a sec?” I asked Kieran.
“Sure why?”
“I need to leave Em a note. She’s not coming with us. And I need to ask Nikki to come over and sit with her. Can you give her a call for me?” I said.
“No need,” he replied. “She got a flat this morning and phoned for a lift. She’s downstairs in Tommy’s car. I’ll go and get her.”
“Thanks, Kier,” I told him as I grabbed one of Em’s lined notebooks and a pen.