Suicide. Note.
Those two words alone cause my heart to thunder beneath my chest. I find myself nodding repetitively. Hayden reaches out and touches my hand. “I have it here with me, and I want you to read it…But only if you think you can handle it.” His grey eyes are wide and haunting as he waits on bated breath for my answer.
The severity of his request is not lost on me. I’ll never be able to unread something like this. But I can’t say no. I need to read it as much as he wants me to read it. For whatever reason, Hayden Clarke has chosen me to walk this journey with him and I can’t turn off his path now. I nod again as he pulls out a tattered piece of yellow legal paper and hands it over to me.
My hands tremble as I unfold the note. Watching me must be too painful because he stands up and strides over to the edge of the rooftop. The city lights pop on one-by-one as the London skyline turns more and more black…
To My Family,
People write letters like this to tell you why, right? Why did I do this? Well, I hope I’m clear because the last thing I want to do is leave you all with any shred of doubt. I need you all to know that what I did to myself was something I chose to do on my own. It wasn’t something that anyone pushed me into, and I don’t want any of you worrying over the idea that you could have done anything to prevent this.
The truth is my heart has been aching and deteriorating every single day since Marisa’s death. Scraps were all that was remaining. And now, at last, those scraps have also crumbled.
No matter what I do, I just can’t find a way to forgive myself. I can’t let it go. In the wake of her death, I am drowning and I can no longer see the shore. I’m stuck here in the depths with the weight of her dead body pulling me further and further into the darkness. So much so, the darkness has become my only way of life. It’s where I’m at while I’m living, and it’s why I yearn for the nothingness of death. Death feels like a break. Like a relief. Like a blessing. Like the only place I can find peace.
I don’t know why I’m taking Marisa’s passing harder than everyone else. Maybe because I was driving. Maybe because I felt the force of the quad against her body. Maybe because I loved her so much and am not sure I ever properly told her. How could I have never told her I loved her? She was the best sister anyone could ever ask for and I was oblivious. Ridiculous. Foolish.
It seems everybody but me is moving on with their lives. And I refuse to continue to be the sad son, angry brother, disappointing friend, or jilted lover who holds everyone back. I despise being the charity case. When living hurts this much, what kind of life is it? So instead of wishing every day that it was me who died in that accident instead of her, I’m going to do something about it.
My one final request for all of you, my only request, is to be happy.
I’m only sorry that I can’t be.
Love always, -H
Tears stream down my face and onto the paper. Shaking, I quickly turn it over on the cushion to pat it dry. A huge knot aches in my throat, so I attempt a painful cough to relieve the pressure. I let out a frustrated and somewhat garbled cry. Then I feel his firm arms wrap around me. I curl up into a protective ball, failing miserably to stop my tears.
“Shhhhh,” Hayden whispers against my hair and presses his lips to the top of my ear. “Shhhhh. I’m sorry, Vi. I’m so, so sorry.”
“I’m sor—I’m sorry,” I choke out painfully around the lump and bite down on my kneecap to stave off my cries. I shake my head. “I’m sorry for not being stronger right now. I just want to wish that time away for you, Hayden. I want to wish it away with everything inside of me.” I wipe the tears from beneath my eyes and sniff loudly.
I turn my head and watch him exhale a shaky breath. His expression is grave as he taps the face of his watch mindlessly and replies, “You have no idea how many times I’ve wished the same thing. Still to this day.”
“That’s not you anymore, is it, Hayden? Is that man still inside of you?” Terror courses through me from the absolute fear I have of that darkness returning inside him. The Hayden I’ve been getting to know for the past week is nothing like the man in that letter. That man was a broken, shattered, semblance of a person who truly just wanted out.
“That darkness will always be inside me I think. But as you can see, I’m changed now. I told you before that deciding to kill myself felt brave. But, now deciding to live feels braver.”
I exhale at his important and meaningful proclamation. “I’m glad, but…wow. I can’t imagine how your family reacted after reading that.” I shudder at the thought. If I was his mum…If that was a note Booker had written…