He almost never seemed or sounded serious. Even now, when he was talking about the death of his own kind, his lip was curled and there was an uncertain wicked flicker in his eyes that made me think he was about to make a joke. I felt wary, waiting for the twist, waiting for the doppelganger’s trick.
“I know as much about doppelgangers as you do,” said Carwyn. “All I know about doppelgangers is what I’ve been told. I never knew if I had a soul, and while I was buried I lived in a wild, degraded, disgusting way. I remember hating the way I lived sometimes when I was younger, but more and more I didn’t care. I thought I couldn’t care and that nothing mattered. And then I met you, and you tried so hard to make things right for Ethan and for your family and even for me. I could not figure out why you did what you did for me. I was a stranger. I thought . . . it might be because you liked me, but now I know you don’t. I’m glad you don’t. There have been a couple of people who were kind to me because they thought I was interesting or good-looking or useful. You were kind to someone you didn’t know and shouldn’t have trusted. That was what taught me who you are. You woke all the old shadows in me that wanted to be something like a person. I thought I would never want that again.”
I was held still with utter shock.
I felt as I had on the balcony in the Plaza Hotel, the whole world turned upside down and the pieces falling together to make a picture entirely different from the one I had expected. The doppelganger under my window looking up, the doppelganger’s sharp voice on the phone, concerned about me.
Not a trick. A romance.
Carwyn took a step back, leaning against the door frame, and I could not believe how badly I had misinterpreted the restless glitter of his eyes. He covered his face with one hand, but it was too late. I knew he was crying.
“So—you’re going to be a good person from now on?” I asked helplessly, stupidly.
No more of his random cruelty, the way he had tormented me over Ethan out of bitterness or malice even though now he said he cared about me. If he felt like this, then acting like that hurt him, too, degraded him, too. If he was not what people thought him, he should not behave like he was.
Even as I had said the words, I did not think they were true. I could see no hope in his face, and I could find no hope of my own.
“No,” he said, unshading his face and looking at me. His eyes were clear now. “I will never be better than I am. The collar was just a symbol. It wasn’t what people were shrinking from and punishing me for. They were afraid of me. I will always have someone else’s face and not enough heart. You set me free, and look what I did to you. I am going to be worse someday. I’m going to be so much worse.”
He spoke as if it was a foregone conclusion, and I could see his pain at the idea. I didn’t know if what he believed was true or if he was making it true by believing it, but I didn’t care. I was angry at the waste and angry with him.
“So why tell me any of it, then?” I demanded. “Why would you load another burden on me when I have enough? I am not responsible for your heart! Are you just this selfish?”
“Yes,” said Carwyn. “I wanted you to know. I am selfish enough to do it for only that reason, but there is another. I wanted you to know something else.”
The city was burning and Ethan was in danger, and Carwyn was a lost soul.
“I’m not interested,” I said loudly. I let go of the windowsill, crossed the floor in one stride, and shoved him so his back knocked into the door frame. “I’m not interested in listening to anything you have to say.”
Carwyn grabbed one of my hands, his grip too strong for me to escape from it, and I thought for a moment that he was going to wrench my arm out of its socket. Instead he raised my hand to his lips and kissed it, roughly, so his lip split open under one of my rings. It was so far from what I had expected that I did listen to him after all.
“You were not the first dream I ever had, but you were the only dream that ever felt real. You were the dream that taught me I did have a soul. I don’t know how low I will fall or what evil I will do, but I know you. I know there is nothing between us and there never could be. But I would do whatever you asked. I would do anything you want. If I had anything worth giving to you, I would give it. If I had anything to sacrifice, I would sacrifice it for you.”
I didn’t try to pull away from him.