“I don’t know. You don’t have to figure it all out now.”
“You don’t think I should do it?” she asks. It’s strange seeing her this way. So vulnerable, in doubt. In love. I think about what my mom would say, since I imagine us being close enough to talk about this kind of stuff if she were still alive. Most likely, we wouldn’t have been, though. Something happens when you turn sixteen, I think. Your parents become less your allies, more your biggest obstacles. I’m the only teenager I know who would want nothing more than to be grounded by my mother. The opposite of a punishment.
“It doesn’t matter what I think. You should do what you feel comfortable with.”
“Cop-out answer, Jess.” I laugh, elbow her ribs. It occurs to me that what Scar needs right now is a friend like Scar: someone to break it down and tell it like it is.
“Honestly, and I know this is funny coming from me, but you’re overthinking it. Relax. Do what you want to do when you want to do it. If you’re ready, go forth and prosper. If you’re not yet, that’s totally okay too. It feels like this huge deal now, but maybe it’s not.” I sound wise and sure, words I’ve never before applied to myself, especially in this context. “You just need to figure out whether you’re scared because it’s your first time—I mean, the first time is supposed to be a little scary, right?—or because you aren’t ready. There’s really no right answer here.”
“You sound like me,” Scar says, and finally turns her head. There are tears in her eyes, which makes me sad, because she should be happy. She’s getting what she always wanted, to love and to be loved, even if it’s not exactly how she pictured it all.
“I learned from the best,” I say, and smile. Then, in unison, without talking about it, like the old Scar and J, we open our car doors, stride into the 7-Eleven. And just as we used to, long before everything got so complicated, we head straight to the back, to the always-reliable Slurpee machine.
Dri: Did Liam ask you out?
Me: No!
Wait, is that a lie? If he’s SN and we’re going to meet, does that count? And assuming Caleb has his facts straight and I’m the reason for the demise of Gem and Liam—I can’t bring myself to call them Gemiam—do I have an obligation to tell Dri?
“Don’t tell her!” Scar says, reading my mind at the same time as she reads my texts over my shoulder. We’re back in the basement, and beautiful vampire men are saving helpless teenage girls from other, murderous vampires on television. We’re eating popcorn. I couldn’t be happier. “Seriously, it will just hurt her feelings. And it’s not a lie. Liam hasn’t asked you out.”
Dri: I think he will. He likes you.
Me: I’m not interested.
Dri: What if he’s SN?
Me: He’s not SN.
Dri: But what if he is?
Me: Dri!
“She wants you to say you won’t go out with him. You can’t say that. If he’s SN, you need to give him a chance. You just do,” Scar says, her confidence back. This is the best friend I recognize: the one who tells the truth, no sugarcoating. “And if she’s really your friend, she’ll understand that.”
“She is my friend, but we’re new. It’s different. We haven’t built up trust, you know?”
“Still.”
“Liam is not SN.”
“Whatever. He totally is.” I smile at Scar, because it’s funny how she talks about my friends from Wood Valley like they’re characters from a TV show, like she’s betting on the next plot twist. In some ways, I do that too. Wood Valley sometimes feels like my pretend life.
Dri: Liam doesn’t have a sister.
Me: See.
Dri: I don’t know. I still think Liam is SN. And yes, I’ll admit it. I’m totally jealous.
Me: Please. Don’t. Be.
Dri: Fine. Love you anyway. Going to go listen to “The Girl No One Knows” on repeat and feel sorry for myself.
? ? ?
Theo: WHAT THE WHAT? Liam broke up with Gem to be with you?
Me: Who told you that?
Theo: EVERYONE. Liam’s H-O-T. How’d you pull that one off?
Me: I didn’t pull anything off.
Theo: Girl, you are full of surprises.
Me: Not really.
Theo: He’s telling everyone you’re “like a breath of fresh air.”
Me: That’s sweet of him, but it kind of makes me sound like a deodorant.
Theo: By the way, your dad is making me pick you up from the airport, so you better not check any bags. Don’t keep me waiting.
? ? ?
Me: Three things. (1) I don’t know who you are. I wish I did, and Scar has her theories, but I just don’t know. I thought you were someone else, but now I know I was wrong. (2) I’ve never lied to you, I don’t think. Well, except that first day, when I said I have a black belt in karate. I’ve never done karate. I’m a crappy liar. I think it’s easy for me to talk to you, because I don’t know who you are. I guess it’s different for you? (3) I don’t know where home is anymore.
SN: Maybe home doesn’t have to be a place.
Me: Maybe not.
CHAPTER 30