SN: ?
Me: The steppeople’s house manager. I was skeptical at first. It’s weird having someone who does all this STUFF for me. Don’t tell, but now I’m kind of in love.
SN: independence is overrated. as is being able to list laundry under mad skillz.
Me: (3) I’m a lefty, but when I was about 12 I decided I wanted to be a righty instead, so I trained myself to be ambidextrous. But now I think it’s cooler to be a lefty, so there’s 3 months of my life I’ll never get back.
SN: I’m a righty in all the things. ALL THE THINGS.
Me: Was that an attempt at innuendo?
SN: your use of the word “attempt” suggests that I failed.
Me: #innuendofailure
SN: I just said the word “innuendo” a bunch of times in my head and now its lost all meaning. innuendo. innuendo. innuendo. innuendo.
Me: Word ruined for me forever.
SN: ruinuendo.
Me: You are a dork.
SN: yes, yes I am. good that you find this out now.
CHAPTER 15
“It’s literally just sex. I’m not sure why everyone makes such a big deal about it,” Agnes says, and rolls onto her back on Dri’s bed so her head is hanging off the edge and her bangs fall backward. She has a large forehead. The bangs, it turns out, are less about being hipster-cute and more tactical. It’s Friday night, and instead of staying home with Harry Potter, I am here eating potato chips from a jumbo-sized bag, flipping through the Wood Valley yearbook, and chatting with Dri and Agnes, as if this is what I always do on weekends. And it doesn’t feel too weird. When I start to get a little nervous that Agnes doesn’t want me here, I remember that Dri invited me, even added a “come on, loser” when I said I might need to stay home and study. I chose to interpret her use of “loser” as affectionate.
“Since when are you an expert?” Dri asks, and throws a pillow at Agnes. “I don’t care what you say. Technically, you’re still a virgin.”
“I am not! I totally technically lost my v-card,” Agnes says with faux indignation. They sound like an old married couple who has had this particular fight before and neither cares how it turns out. The fun is in the fighting.
“Technically? What does that even mean?” I ask, and look at Agnes. “Please don’t tell me you’re one of those weirdos who, you know, count, um, oral.”
“Course not. There was just a minor penetration issue,” Agnes says, and giggles. “But it counts. It definitely counts.”
I start laughing too, though I don’t really get it.
“What the what?”
“Agnes was half penetrated. She got slipped a half peen.”
“Half peen, that’s hilarious,” Agnes says, and soon we’re all laughing so hard we have tears falling down our cheeks.
“Literally, I have no idea what that means. You have to tell me the whole story,” I say.
“Okay, here’s what went down,” Agnes says.
“No pun intended,” I say.
“Touché. So, last summer at drama camp, and yes, I know, cliché, blah, blah, but at least it wasn’t prom. Anyhow, this guy Stills and I are hooking up outside my bunk, and we’re on the ground, and I think, Okay, let’s do this. I was kind of bored of the whole virginity thing, and so we get a condom, because safety first, right, and start to you know, have sex, with, you know, some penetration, and then all of a sudden he totally freaks out. Apparently, he’s all into, and I quote, his ‘bro J.C.’ and wants to wait till marriage.”
“No way,” I say. “He actually said ‘my bro J.C.’?”
“Yup. Humiliating on so many levels. So that’s how I lost my virginity. It counts, right?” Agnes asks me, and I decide that maybe I’ve been too quick to judge her. She’s funny and super honest and willing to laugh at herself. I get now why she and Dri are best friends.
“I vote yes,” I say, because it’s a hell of a lot closer than I’ve ever come to having a penis inserted into me.
“But Dri’s right too. I totally got half peened. How about you?” Agnes asks so casually it’s like she’s asking what my favorite subject is.
“Not yet. I mean, I’m not waiting till marriage or anything like that, but, yeah, no real opportunity has presented itself,” I say, which is the truth. What I don’t say: that I wouldn’t mind if it happened with someone I liked and found attractive and who liked me back. I assume I won’t lose my virginity until college, because that’s when it seems to happen for girls like me.
“Me neither,” Dri says. “And to go back to my original point, I’m not saying it’s some huge deal or anything, but, come on, it’s not nothing.”
Agnes says, “So my sister goes to UCLA, and she’s like this huge hobag there, right? And she says that sleeping with all these randos is her way of owning her sexuality.” Agnes now sits up and faces both Dri and me, her bangs restored. “She even has a file on Evernote where she keeps track of everyone she’s slept with.”