Later that night I search for Dean’s Facebook page to see if he’s posted anything since it’s too late to drive by his house. I friend him expecting him to ignore it.
But he doesn’t.
A pop-up of Dean’s face comes up shortly after we become friends.
D: Hey
E: Hey what’s up? You talking to me now?
D: I want to do it tonight
I lift my shaking fingers from the keys slowly, my heart thumping like bongos on my chest, my breath uneven with each thought. Oh, God. No. No, no, no. Not tonight.
E: Really?
D: Yes
E: What’s your number?
There’s a pause, then his number streaks across the chat window. I grab my cell and call him.
“Hey,” he says.
“I’m not sure tonight’s good. For that,” I say, knowing how stupid it sounds. “Um, we should meet.”
“Okay,” he says. If a voice could sound like an emotion, his would be defeated.
I sneak out of the house and make it to the park in ten minutes. I run the entire way.
Dean’s sitting on the swing, looking up at the sky. I stare at him for a moment, wondering what I can do, if anything, to stop this. I don’t want him to die.
You could tell someone.
He’d hate me.
The air has cooled to ice cubes and the swings are rocking in the wind, squeaking every few seconds. I slip into the swing next to him. He doesn’t look away from the sky.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so cold to you all these years,” he says.
The sand is hard as I try to bury my shoes into it. “It’s okay. We all changed.”
“Except Jackson.”
I let out a clipped chuckle. “Except Jackson.”
“Do you think we’ll go up there by the stars?”
I glance up at the sky and start looking for the constellations I know. It wasn’t that long ago I looked up with Tate and told her what the stars were made of. I thought we’d be able to gaze at the stars forever, that we’d swing on that old glider when we were older and reminisce about those moments. She wouldn’t remember ’cause she was so young and I’d have to tell her again, and then I’d remember it through her eyes. Every day I mourn that feeling.
“Never really thought about what happens after. I just thought of the end being the end, ya know?”
“Yeah,” he says softly.
I search my mind for something else to say. Something to get him to stop, or at least wait. I’m such a damn hypocrite. “Do you really think dying is the answer? I mean, for you? What if you told your dad . . . .” I pull my hood over my head to stop the wind from burning my skin.
He lowers his head and turns to me. “I can’t go to the military, Ellery. I wouldn’t survive with all those rules. I failed another test last week. I’m not getting into Harvard.”
“There’s gotta be something you can—”
“Whose side are you on?” he yells, cutting me off. “What about you? Do you think dying is the answer? Do you think that will bring your sister back?”
I open my mouth but say nothing, grasping the swing’s chains tighter in my hands. The urge to run spreads in my bones.
“What did you think? That your death is somehow more warranted than mine?”
“No, I just thought. I hoped.”
“No, I know what you thought. I’m sorry I let you in.” He storms off, the swing thrashing against the metal pole in his wake.
“Dean! Dean! Wait,” I say, running after him.
He runs faster. I follow him, dodging trees and cars on the sidewalk. He finally stops and leans against a large oak tree. I come up next to him out of breath. He pants. “You’re unbelievable.”
“Look, I’m sorry. Okay? I’m a hypocrite.”
He glances up at me, still panting like a marathon runner. “I’m not going to do it tonight. Not anymore. I’m too tired.” He pushes off the tree.
“Okay,” I say relieved. I don’t say anything else, just in case it will make him change his mind.
He walks backward, his sneakers awkwardly catching on the asphalt. “Don’t worry about me.”
I nod and apologize again.
He quickly turns around and jogs to his house.
He’s not going to tell me when. I’m just going to wake up one morning and he won’t be in school. And it will be over. I imagine the world without him, without his crooked smile and dreamer’s mind. My stomach drops as a thought snakes around my body.
This must be how Colter feels.
24
14 Days
I start to regret agreeing to help plan Colter’s brother’s dance when it starts pouring and thundering.