How he told her she really was a slut and wasn’t worth anything.
How she believed him.
It broke my heart, because I should have known. I just didn’t want to know. I wanted to believe she was all ok and everything was great, even though I’d see it in her eyes… this something. This horrible, sad, desperate something.
I should have known, and it would eat at me forever.
Mark didn’t push her, he just let her speak and asked the right questions. In that room he was Mr Roberts again, and I felt the worry disappear.
He does that. He makes everything feel ok, even when it’s really not. Like he can shoulder the weight of the world and you’ll be safe.
It made me cry happy tears amongst the sad ones, just to know Lizzie was so safe.
And I knew he was made for this.
I knew I could never take him away from this, from all the people who needed him, all the people who relied on him, all the strength and the compassion and the brilliance he had to offer.
I could never steal this life from him, I’d rather give up my own.
When Lizzie was all talked out she was much calmer, and her eyes dried up. That’s when he did what he needed to do, and I don’t really even know what that was, and it didn’t matter.
Lizzie’s mum came in, and I left, and after a few minutes Mark left, too, and I saw Kathy Thomas hug her daughter, and cry, and they were both crying. And I cried, too.
And then there were more people, more kind people. Police, too, a lovely lady with a nice smile who told Lizzie it was all going to be ok.
Mark left when it was time, and Lizzie smiled at him like I’ve never seen her smile at anyone. She said thank you and she meant it, and he smiled back like he cared, and he meant it, too.
He led me into another room, a smaller room, with just files and certificates and one little desk, and I could feel him, so close. There was nothing in the world I wanted more than to hold him.
“She’ll be ok,” he said. “We’ll make sure of it. Everything’s going to be fine.”
“Thank you.” I hugged myself and kept my distance.
“You did the right thing.”
“I should have known what was going on.”
He shook his head. “She didn’t want you to know. This isn’t your fault.”
“I still should’ve known.”
“You can’t blame yourself, Helen. You did the right thing and it counted, and she’ll be ok now.”
I took a breath. “She’ll be ok now because of you.”
“No, Helen. Because of you, you gave her the strength to talk about it.”
I nodded, but I didn’t really feel it.
“Helen, please look at me.”
I did, and it made my heart hurt. “I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t be here. I promised my dad, I swore to him…”
“There’s no need to swear anything to anyone,” he said. He pulled out an envelope and it made me feel sick, even before I knew for sure what it was. “I’m going to hand this in, and I’m going to leave this place. I want you to come with me. We can go wherever you want, and do whatever you want to do. I’ll come to Aberystwyth, if that’s what you want. You can stay in dorms with Lizzie if that’s what you want, and I’ll just be around, or you can move in with me.” He sighed. “Whatever you want, Helen. Whatever that is.”
I couldn’t breathe. It stopped my heart.
As much as I wanted it, and oh God, how much I wanted it, I just couldn’t. I was shaking my head as the tears fell. “No,” I said. “You can’t.”
He smiled. “It’s just a letter, that’s all it takes.”
But he couldn’t. I wouldn’t let him.
I took the letter from his hands and I ripped it up and put it in my pocket while he stared. And he was confused, so confused.
“You belong here,” I said. “You’re good in this place. You’re really good. And people need you, and you love it here.”
“I’ll love it wherever you are.”
I shook my head. “Maybe at first, but to give up so much, that isn’t fair. I won’t let it happen.”
“I think that’s my decision,” he said.
“You love this place, you love that house!”
“Yes, and I love other things, too.”
I stepped away, clearing as much distance as I could. “What about Anna? What about the memories? Dad would never let you stay. He’d hound you out of everything, believe me.”
He flinched, but didn’t falter. “So be it. I don’t care.”
“You do care!”
“I know what I want, Helen.”
I focused all of my resolve, everything, on this one tiny moment. This one tiny moment where I could do the right thing. For him.
“And I know what I want,” I said. “And I want you to stay here.”
He scoffed. “You don’t mean that.”
“Yes, I do.”
“That’s just guilt, and there’s no need for it.”
“Maybe it’s guilt, maybe it’s because my heart knows you, and knows you need this place as much as it needs you.”
There was a flash of pain in his eyes and I saw it. “Helen, stop it. Please.”
“I can’t.”
“I’m going to have to print out a new letter now.”