“A big one,” I clarified with a playful wince.
“Just spit it out!” she yelled through a laugh, smacking me on the chest.
So I did.
“You want to go see our new house?”
“House? As in…a house?!”
“It’s the housiest house I’ve ever seen,” I joked.
“Oh, my God! I fucking love housey houses!” she shouted and stage dived directly off the bed and even deeper into my heart.
She was perfect in all of her awkward excitement, and I was just the man at her mercy.
“I love you,” I told her, just as her mouth met mine.
“Me too,” she said. “I can’t believe you did this. Why? Why did you do this?”
“Because you want the dog, and Walter wants the dog, and that means I want Stan too. Stan means fucking space. This’ll give it to us.”
“Kline.”
“We’ll always miss you when you’re gone, but when you come back, you’ll always know we’re all happy and healthy and waiting completely impatiently at home.”
New York, Tuesday, May 16th, Very Early Morning
Kline and Georgia had been back from their honeymoon for two weeks, and already, the fucker had gone and gotten her a house and a dog. He was sick in the head, but if you asked me, that was the definition of love. I hated that they were moving out of the city, but they still worked here, and Kline never went out anyway. I’d just have to travel a little farther when I felt like crashing on their couch. Otherwise, my life would remain pretty much the same.
My phone chirping over the hum of needles pulled my attention away from my friend Frankie’s latest portrait tattoo. Some guy from Detroit had driven all the way here just for Frankie’s unique talent. I still got a kick out of that shit.
When I picked up my phone, a text message from a number I didn’t recognize read like a fucking novel.
Unknown: The Mingan Island Cetacean Study Group has been using photographic techniques to study humpback whales for the last 16 years. In that time, they began to realize that female humpback whales not only make friends with one another, but they reunite each year.
Isn’t that adorable! Such cuties!
If you’ve received this message in error, please text Unsubscribe. If you’re ready for another complementary fact, text Whale Lover.
What in the ever-loving fuck is this shit?
Me: UNSUBSCRIBE
Unknown: If you would like to unsubscribe from Interesting Whale Facts of the Day, text yes. But we really hope you don’t because we’d sure miss you!
Me: YES.
Unknown: YES, PLEASE! You just received a superspecial subscription to Sexy Words of the Day. There’s nothing sexier than a man whispering, “You’re beautiful,” into a woman’s ear.
What the fucking fuck? My fingers tapped violently across the screen.
Me: Goddammit. I don’t want this.
Unknown: We had an issue with processing your request. If you’d like to unsubscribe from Sexy Words of the Day, text yes.
Me: FUCK YES. UNSUBSCRIBE YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS.
Unknown: You’re a dirty, dirty boy who just received a free picture subscription to Spank Me Daddy. Are you ready for your first picture? Text yes, if you are.
Okay. I’d been frustrated, but fuck if I wasn’t intrigued by this turn of events.
Me: YES
Unknown: Uh-oh, you just unsubscribed from Spank Me Daddy. We’re going to be so sad you’re leaving.
Me: I said YES, cocksucker. Fucking hell, you need better IT.
Unknown: Did someone just say the secret password?
Oh, yeah! Now we were speaking the same language.
Me: Cocksucker? That’s my secret password?
Unknown: Yes, he did! You’ve just won 30 days of getting to watch Cassie masturbate without getting to touch her. Congratulations, dickwad.
Unknown: Oh, hey, by the way, I got a new number.
Goddammit, this fucking girl. She was pure evil. I hadn’t heard from her since we’d parted ways in front of the coffee shop. I glanced around the crowded tattoo parlor and found no one was paying me or my half chub any attention. It was nearing one a.m., but this was when the place got really busy. Everyone was occupied.
I assigned her name to this number and shot her a reply.
Me: whispering into your ear You’re beautiful, Cassie.
Cass: I know. You should see me right now. Bent forward at the waist. Legs spread. And…
Jesus Christ.
Me: And what? What are you doing, babe?
Cass: Touching…Lots of touching…
Yes. Hell yes.
Cass: Phones. Touching phones, you perv. Verizon has a strict pants policy.
Verizon? What the hell? I glanced around one more time before stepping out onto the sidewalk and pushing the little phone at the top of her message.
She answered on the first ring.
“Well, hello, Thatcher. You sure are a naughty boy, Daddy.”
I chuckled. “I’m only as naughty as you want me to be, honey.”