I rinse my mouth out and exit the bathroom, feeling wobbly on my feet. I don't look at him. I don't know how to navigate anything relating to his child with him, so it's easier for me to pretend it didn't just happen. I walk over to the record player, and slide the record out of its sleeve. The fuzzy sound of the record brings a childlike joy in me as I wait for the song to start.
I feel him behind me. Still draped in a towel, I know what he wants. He places a hand on my shoulder. It's almost tender. I turn to look at him, ready to drop my towel and let him do to me the things I must allow to keep the gift he brought, but when I look into his turquoise eyes, they shift over to the bed. There's a bag there.
“For me?” I ask.
He nods once.
I dip into it, and pull out several beautiful dresses. Some long, some short, all flowing and floral. I had been wearing nearly the same dress for so long now. It seemed like the least of my worries, but having these pretty dresses, all for me, reminds me of the little things I miss from out there.
“They're beautiful,” I say. “I'm going to try them on.”
He steps back, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, watching me as I slide on a lightweight floor length white dress with pale pink and blue flowers. I spin around so the hem takes flight.
“What do you think?” I ask.
He gives an approving frown.
I lay the dresses out onto the bed as How Deep is Your Love begins to play. I hum to the song as I stretch out the beautiful fabrics in all their glory. For a moment I allow myself to feel good. To think that one night and a pregnancy could change this baby-faced terrorizer. And in that moment of momentary peace, he comes up behind me.
“Shhhh…” he whispers in my ear as he wraps an arm around my waist.
“What are you doing?” I ask, my relaxed demeanor already dissolved into trembling terror.
He doesn't say a word, but places a dark cloth over my eyes and ties a knot behind my head.
“Wake up,” my dad whispers as he shakes me.
I rub my eyes, looking around for a fire or some other reason he would be waking me up this late into the night. But it is dark and silent. There is no sign of danger. No emergency.
“Put these on,” he says, passing me trousers, boots and a sweatshirt.
“Wh-wh-wh—”
“Shhh! I don't want to wake your mother or Scoot. I'll explain when we're outside. Don't put on the boots until we're outside, they'll make too much noise.”
I follow his orders, tiptoeing down the stairs, sitting on the porch steps. The sky is clear, the moon shines bright and tonight it's silent except for a few crickets.
“Let's go,” he shoves me to my feet. I follow him along the dark pasture and towards the woods. As we near it, I stop.
“Come on, Sam.”
“Wh-wh-what are we doing?” I ask. He’s been making me build something with him, in the woods. It’s supposed to be our secret. But today he doesn’t have any tools or supplies with him. The woods seem blacker and scarier than they have before. Tonight feels different.
He sighs and crouches down on one knee. “Your mom wants you up here. When it comes to you, she's always gotten her way. I know you want to be with her, so I won't take you away, but I will make sure you become a man. You will learn the things my father taught me. I've been too easy on you, and you need to toughen up. And like everything we do here, it's our secret. You tell no one. You understand?”
I nod.
“I mean it, Sam. You tell your mother, it stirs up problems. You know what happens when she gets stressed. I'm doing this for your own good. You won't always have her and you need to learn how to fend for yourself. Now let's go.”
He pulls me along, finally shining a flashlight in front of us. We walk and walk, past the brook so I know where we're headed. Once we reach the lake, he stops.
“Take off your clothes,” he orders.
I don't move.
“Do it,” he says, louder.
I strip down to my underwear.
“I want ten laps tonight.”
I look over at the water, black except for a few strips of silver moonlight. It looks cold and like there are millions of monsters underneath. He's trying to kill me, just like mom thought.
“No,” I murmur.
“Get in!”
I shake my head.
He grabs me by my arm and drags me into the water, taking himself in up to his thighs so that his pants are soaked. The water is frigid, shocking me out of my sleepiness.
“We'll be here all night if we have to, Sam. You get to the other side and back. Ten times and if there's time, you get to go back to sleep. Now go!” he shouts.
I start to cry. I don't want to do this. I want to be in the house, where mom says it's safe.
“Your tears won't work on me. This is exactly the issue. You're a pussy, Sam! But you're going to be a man by the time I'm done with you.”