Everyone was dressed in bright colors, standing beneath black umbrellas in the afternoon rain at the cemetery on a day Kat and I should have been lying on the beach, celebrating our first anniversary. The trip had obviously been cancelled.
My tie matched Kat’s pink dress, but despite the bold colors, the crowd was subdued.
Benjie hadn’t told anyone he was dying, not even his parents. They’d read a letter from him at the service in which he’d explained why.
When everyone knows you’re sick, they start treating you differently. Every question is about the cancer or how you’re feeling, if they don’t have the balls to bring it up directly.
Well, pardon my foul mouth, Father, but fuck that.
I’m alive, and I’m going to live every last moment of this life the way I have before I found out that despite going through round after round of antiquated treatments, I’m still going to die. I wasn’t going to spend the last year of my life with everyone looking at me like I had an expiration date and we were all counting down.
I’m sorry to those who will feel like this was unfair, that I didn’t give you time to prepare. As I think we can all agree—death blows. There’s no good way for it to take someone. You could watch me fade or you could be surprised, and because it’s my life, I chose the second option.
I didn’t just do this for you, so don’t go thinking I’m a selfless bastard. I did this for me too. I made the most of every moment I had. I spent time with friends. I traveled the world. I lived.
Don’t be sad for me. Be happy I’m no longer hacking up a lung after you leave the room.
Fucking lungs. Who knew they’d be the ones to bring me down? I refuse to believe it was all the pot I smoked in college. And after.
I love you all. Now, go tear it up in my name,
Benjie
He added a separate note for Kat.
Kitty Kat, I’m so fucking sorry. I found out a couple months after your mom died, and there was no way I was going to put you through the wringer again. Instead, I decided that I was going to teach you how to live for both of us.
Life is short.
Eat the cake.
Buy the shoes.
Fuck the guy.
You notice I didn’t say marry him, though, right?
I love you, girl. More than any sister I could possibly have, because we probably would’ve fought over Barbies like little bitches.
Please, keep living. Don’t let this steal the joy I want for your life.
Your BFF (and if you replace me, I’ll haunt you),
Benjie
Kat held it together until they sat the casket on the framework that would lower it into the ground. She rushed out of the crowd of people, lilies in hand, and threw herself over it, sobbing loudly enough to be heard in the next county.
“No! Why would you do this to us?”
Stepping forward, I peeled her off the casket and held her in my arms, urging her to return to our seats. Once there, I pulled her onto my lap.
Kat didn’t hear a word anyone else said because she was lost in her own grief. Whether it was all for Benjie or she was reliving the loss of her mom, I didn’t know, but it didn’t matter.
I carried her to the car, hoping my strength could keep her together, but inside I was shredded, knowing that I had another funeral to attend this week.
I had to tell her. It was time to come clean.
But when we got home, Kat shut herself in our room and sobbed for four hours. I sat on the bed, silently smoothing her hair for three of those hours until she picked up her head.
“I’m so sorry, baby. He came and saw me a couple months ago, and I had no idea.”
“He should’ve told me! It’s not fair. Why are all the good people taken too soon?”
Her words tore through me because I was feeling the same thing.
“What can I do?”
She shook her head. “Nothing. I want to be alone. Just leave me alone.”
So I left her alone for the rest of the night, against my better judgment.
And the next day.
When I brought her food, she screamed at me to get out. Leave her alone. Told me there was nothing I could do.
The next day, she dragged herself out of bed, her tears dry and her titanium spine tempered and stiffened. Any pieces to pick up had been swept behind the wall she built.
“Don’t you need to go to work?” she asked as she stood in the kitchen, pouring herself a cup of coffee.
“I’m not going until I know you’re okay.”
Kat met my gaze, her expression completely blank. “I’m fine. You don’t need to babysit me anymore. I’m sure you have better things to do with your time.” Her tone was cold and lifeless as she stirred in a spoonful of sugar. This wasn’t the woman I knew, but everyone dealt with grief in different ways.
“Kat—”
“Stop.” The single word snapped through the kitchen like a bullwhip. “I need you to give me space. I’m handling this the only way I know how. So I’m going to get dressed, go to the office, and try to figure out what normal is again.”
There was nothing I wanted more than to figure out what my normal was too. The life I’d lived, the one I’d never told her about, had shattered while I was sitting in an airport, watching from afar as the man who had taken my place died along with two innocents.
“Are you sure?”
Kat gave me a swift nod. “Completely. Do what you need to do. I’ll be fine.”
What I really needed was to tell my wife about the double life I’d been living, and the hell I was going through that she couldn’t see. But I didn’t. She was barely holding it together, and I was afraid one more thing would break her.
More than anything, I wanted Kat whole and healthy, and if keeping my pain locked down for a little while longer helped her, I’d do it. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for her.
I walked out of the kitchen to get my suitcase and book a flight to another funeral.
One that wouldn’t be taking place if not for me.
Chapter 10
Kat
Present day
On the bed in our little overwater bungalow, in Dane’s arms, I let the waves of grief and regret, sorrow and pain, wash over me. Every breath comes easier now that I’ve gotten it out.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Don’t you dare apologize for any of it.” Dane’s tone is determined.