“I wasn’t trying to catch you or anything. I just woke up.”
I shrugged, trying to play it off. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, baby.”
Disappointment shadowed her face. She watched me for a long time. “Is that your answer?”
“I don’t have an answer. You know I’ve been making wedding plans. I told you I’d take care of it, and I meant it. That’s the truth.”
“I’m going to bed,” she said, passing me for the bedroom.
“Baby.” I reached out to her, but missed. “Aren’t you hungry?” I called.
“I’m not hungry,” she said from the bathroom. She closed the door, the light forming a halo around the edges.
I walked into our dark bedroom, standing alone. Frames holding pictures of us that we’d taken over the last year were scattered around the room, on the nightstands, and the corner table where I kept my emergency stash. Avery’s apartment didn’t have room for the hutch, so I sold it. Now I wondered if I should have found a smaller, locking chest. Opening a drawer was too easy.
The shower turned on, and I sat on the bed. I was stuck between telling her the truth to shield her from her imagination, and ruining everything.
I opened the door, seeing her perfect, naked silhouette blurred by the glacier glass. She kept her head under the water, letting it cascade over the hands that covered her face.
I had to tell her.
“Avery,” I said, reaching for the door.
“Please don’t,” she said.
“We need to talk.”
“No. I just want to stand in my shower and process everything.”
“I can fix this.”
She was quiet for a moment, and then she yelled. “Has it ever occurred to you that I don’t want you to fix everything? Maybe I just want it to be right and good in the first place! Maybe I don’t want something that has to be fixed!”
I stood with my mouth open. She’d never yelled at me before.
“O … okay,” I stammered. “I’m sorry. I’ll, uh … I’ll leave you alone.”
“Great,” she snapped.
I backed out, closing the door, and then kicked off my shoes. The clock glowed in the dark bedroom. I had to be to work in five hours and had no fucking clue how I was going to sleep. I peeled off my shirt and jeans, crawling under the covers in my boxer briefs.
The shower turned off, and Avery went through her nightly routine. The door opened, and she fell into the bed, yanking on the covers and turning her back to me. Her wet hair slapped against the pillow, and she let out a long sigh.
We lay in silence for a while, and then I reached back for her, touching my fingertips to her hip. “I can’t leave. I’m afraid you’re going to change the locks tomorrow and have all my shit laying on the sidewalk.”
She didn’t respond.
“I swear to God, I’ve never cheated on you. I’ve never wanted to. Don’t you know how much I love you?”
She sniffed. “Something doesn’t feel right, Josh. I’ve felt this way for a while. I don’t know what it is. Don’t you feel it?”
“Sometimes,” I said, trailing off. I thought about the times when I had to stop and take in the reality around me. Sometimes, sitting with Quinn, it felt like talking to a stranger. Some days I felt like I was at work, but most of my time between moments with Avery were just a blur. “You loving me has always been … I dunno, a surreal thing to me. But that doesn’t mean it’s not right.”
She sucked in a breath through her nose. She was crying now. I turned over. “Avery,” I said, wrapping my arms around her body.
She pulled her knees against her chest. “Just don’t lie to me. Ever.”
“Can you think of anything that would warrant me risking the most important person in my life?”