“And we’re no more…” It wasn’t exactly a question or a statement. It just was what it was. Reality, I suppose.
The next thing I knew, Austin sighed and rolled on top of me, holding off on crushing me by his arms. He stared at me for an age before crashing his lips to mine. The kiss was searing, hot and desperate, and I was consumed by him. Every cell in my body ignited with want… desire to be everything he needed.
Gripping onto his hair, we furiously ate at each other’s mouths. “Austin,” I moaned, and I felt the zipper of my hooded jacket ripping down, and within seconds, it was a heap on the floor.
My jeans were next, and in one fluid movement, Austin wrenched them down, taking my panties with them. A flicker of concern ran through my mind at the thought of Austin seeing my thinner legs, but my heart was telling me this was something else, something bigger, and need trumped insecurity and I just let it be.
Kneeling up and straddling my legs, Austin ripped off his shirt and threw it to the floor, his tense and rugged muscles on show.
Digging into his pocket, he pulled out a condom. I realized at that moment that he hadn’t tried to remove my shirt, and I melted even more when I knew it was because he understood my boundaries. He knew so much about me, but we never got past the deeper things hidden… on both sides.
The heavy silence between us felt like electricity in the room. The fire crackled and spat, the owls hooted outside in the trees, the crickets chirped in beat, and all that was drowned out by the sound of Austin’s zipper pulling down and the condom wrapper tearing.
Once done, Austin crawled over my body, nudged my legs apart, placed himself between them, and in one quick thrust, filled me to the hilt. There was no preparation, no going slow. It was just desperate need taking hold.
I didn’t make a noise this time, and neither did he. Everything about this moment felt different somehow, poignant maybe, and we held each other tightly, breathing heavily into each other’s necks.
The fire I’d come to recognize built in my core, and Austin moved quicker as I wrapped my legs around his waist. Reluctantly, Austin raised his head and looked into my eyes, and I almost stilled when I saw tears tumbling from long lashes. They weren’t tears of pain, or even happiness for that matter. They made me think of a farewell… a good-bye.
My hands instantly fell off Austin’s wide shoulders to his face. Good-bye… this was our good-bye…
Conflicted, my body raced for the explosive feeling of our high, while my heart raced in devastation and hurt. The heady emotions were too much to bear, and crying out as my orgasm ripped through me, almost electrifying me from the inside out, I also shuddered in loss and the realization that the boy I’d fallen so deeply in love with was walking away from me for good.
Never breaking my gaze, Austin tensed, his neck straining and muscles cording as he welcomed his release. Then on a sharp exhale, he collapsed onto my chest.
I stared out of the skylight and up to the man in the moon as I felt Austin’s heart beat rapidly in his chest. On the one hand, I was numb, but on the other, feeling every stab of rejection and disappointment that was humanly possible. Squeezing my eyes shut against the pain in my chest, I allowed myself a final stroke through Austin’s hair and I ran my hand down his spine.
As I reached his lower back, Austin lifted his head, tears glistening, and said, “I was never good enough for you, Pix. I’m trash; you’re gold. I ain’t having you brought into this piece of shit trash world I live in. You deserve more than me, more from life. So much fuckin’ more. I’ll only ever drag you down.”
I didn’t say anything in response. Austin moved beside me and, facing each other, he pulled the blanket from the back of the couch over our bodies. We kissed, we held each other tight, and I don’t remember when it was I fell asleep. But I remember waking up to an empty room, feeling the void Austin’s absence had left.
As I stared into the dying embers of the fire, light, soothing hands began to massage my shoulders, and I felt myself relax.
Give yourself over to me, Lexington. Freely hand me the reins. I can make you feel better. I can give you control in your life where you currently have none. We’re almost at perfection, Lexington. Give yourself to me once and for all. Let us finally achieve our goal. Let us reach perfection…
Closing my eyes, I let the voice’s words seep into my mind. It was always there for me. Always making me feel wanted, giving me a purpose.
As though a breeze swooped up and carried away all my fight, I felt myself relax and whispered to the silent room, “Take what you want. Make me perfect. I give myself freely. I just haven’t got the strength to fight you anymore…”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Austin
BCS National Championship
Rose Bowl Stadium, Pasadena, California