As I stared at the tattooed, pierced boy below me, I felt my stomach contract in need. In between my thighs was tingling, my breath was coming fast, and I felt as though something inside me was clawing to break free.
Austin’s finger was running up and down my neck, and I felt my nipples pebble inside my small, damp bra. Austin’s finger paused over the thumping pulse on my neck, and his eyes hooded in response.
“Fuck, Pix,” he murmured and turned his head in my lap until his mouth was against my stomach. I could feel his warm breath flow between my legs, and before I could stop it, a light moan of pleasure escaped my mouth.
My fingers clutched onto Austin’s hair, my iron grip indicating the severity of my want. Pulling him closer, Austin nuzzled my lower stomach, pressing kisses to my navel through the thin black material of my dress. I felt as though I were burning, and I knew it wasn’t from the open fire blazing before me. It was Austin—patient, understanding, and beautifully scarred Austin.
“Pix, fuck, I’m dying here… dying to touch you, dying to be with you… inside you…” Austin murmured and lowered his hand to fix the crotch of his jeans.
Heat engulfed my face and I squeezed my eyes shut.
Can I do this? Can I be with him how I want to be with him? Can I bare my body? No, I can’t go that far… and I can’t take him touching my back… Will it be awkward? Will he think I’m too fat? How could I cover enough of me to help me go through with it? How…?
The dynamics of how I could actually have sex were plaguing my mind. I wasn’t a normal girl who could fall for a boy, kiss, undress, then fall between the sheets and make reckless, passionate love. There was more to this than that. It would take courage I wasn’t sure I could muster and a surge of confidence I’ve never once been able to gain.
Lexington, you cannot do this. To do this you would need to lose at least another ten pounds. And the boy could never see you naked. He would laugh. Leave you and never look back. He would—
“Don’t listen to it, Pix. Don’t let it tell you that I ain’t wanting you beneath me right now.”
The voice’s negativity disappeared into vapor, and Austin’s words sounded as soothing as the lyrics of a child’s lullaby. A lullaby that took his place, and a sense of silent peace filled my heart.
Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes and looked down. Austin’s understanding face was all I could see, and he added, “Because I do want you… real bad. You are the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. That voice inside your head doesn’t know shit about how it is for you and me together. Doesn’t know shit but trying to force you not to eat and take all your choice away.”
Taking a shuddering deep breath at his accurate assessment of what I kept so hidden, I held my hand against Austin’s on my cheek. Finding courage from somewhere deep within, I confessed, “I need you…”
Austin seemed to stop moving… stop breathing… and he whispered back, “I need you too.”
Taking the tattooed fingers on his tattooed hand, I began to lower it to my chest… to my breasts, never breaking eye contact and trying my best to push down the thumping threat of the voice’s reprise at the back of my mind. When Austin’s hand cupped my left breast, over my bra, I lowered my head and pressed my forehead to his. I skirted my shaking hand down over his drying shirt, under the hem at the bottom, until my hand was flat to the ripped, scalding skin.
“Austin, I don’t think you understand my meaning… Not only do I need you… but… I need you…”
I watched the Adam’s apple in Austin’s throat bounce with his hard swallow, and I implored my meaning to his with my overtly serious gaze.
“I need you… to be with me…” This time the intensity of his stare unnerved me.
Taking me by surprise, Austin abruptly sat up, gently took hold of my hips, and laid me down flat to the pillows below me, crawling over my prone body.
Austin’s torso lowered to meet mine, and his lips brushed down my cheek until they rested weightlessly against my mouth, but he didn’t move to kiss me. “I really fuckin’ need you too, Pix. Christ, I do.”
Relief washed through my body like a rapid white torrent, a welcomed submergence into water, as though I’d been baptized, reborn, revived from my cage of insecurity to openly embrace the boy to which I was freely sacrificing my heart.
Austin’s lips suddenly met mine, and the slow and sensual kiss that followed melted all my fears. Austin’s lips were as soft as a gossamer feather as they moved against mine, such a contrast to his hard and intimidating looks. His tongue probed the entrance of my mouth and slipped inside to meet mine. I boldly gripped the bulging muscles of his back, relishing the long groan that ripped from his throat as his hard length pressed between my legs.