“Have you been having any unhealthy thoughts about your weight of late? Anything we should discuss?”
I shook my head and began picking at my nails. “No. I’ve been good.”
Now, Lexington, you are lying. And to your doctor, no less. You know you are allowing me in more. You are giving me control. What is it you have lost in the last few weeks? A couple of pounds? I am here with you as you stand on the scale, rejoicing at your achievement. All you have to do is give me the reins… Give me the control… You can be like her…
My fingers began to ache, and when I looked down, they were gripping the arms of my chair. My knuckles were white with tension.
Lexington, give me control… Lexington, let me in… Lexington, just a few pounds more…
“Lexi?” a deep voice sounded beside me, pulling me back to reality.
I followed the sound of the voice and my stomach immediately dropped. “Dr. Lund,” I said, remembering where I was: counseling.
“You’ve lost some weight,” Dr. Lund said directly. “You are losing concentration more, and I’m beginning to worry.”
“I don’t think—”
“It’s very noticeable, Lexi. You’re slight to begin with. A few pounds of weight loss is extremely noticeable on your petite frame.”
My head instinctively ducked, and I couldn’t meet his eyes. “It’s just because I’ve been so busy, I swear.”
Yes, Lexington, keep him from the truth. Keep him from knowing you have started to cut back on calories because you think you are too fat in your cheerleading uniform. That thinking of Daisy at her goal weight is driving you there too. And you are right. You are looking fat. It is merely a couple of pounds that you have lost. A couple of pounds are nothing. Maybe you should lose a few more, just to be sure… to be absolutely sure…
“Lexi, our time is up, but I expect you at group this week, yes?” I nodded my head. “I think we need to discuss the cheerleading. You know it is your primary trigger. Maybe it is too much, right now. I was never fully convinced you were ready to take that step again the first place.”
I nodded without replying and moved from my seat and practically ran outside the room, pausing to hit my back against the wall.
I knew cheerleading was my trigger, and I was getting more concerned that I looked fat on the field.
The voice is right, isn’t it? And Dr. Lund doesn’t know everything, does he? I’ll be fine losing just a few more pounds, just to be sure I don’t look too big on camera. After all, the camera adds ten pounds, so I’ll just be making up for that, balancing out. I can stop after ten pounds. It’ll be easy. I’m stronger this time. I’ll be able to stop just fine. It won’t spiral out of control. It’ll make me feel that much healthier with some weight gone. That much more confident.
It’ll be easy.
Yes, Lexington, yes. Let me guide you to perfection. I can make it so easy for you…
My heart rate increased as my excitement grew, and I started to make a plan. I’d exercise more, yes. That should do it. I could jog more, hit the gym more. And maybe I should cut out a few more carbs… right? Right? I asked the voice in my head.
That will be a start, Lexington, the voice answered back in approval, and I let myself relax. Just for a moment, I let go.
Yes, Lexington, I shall willingly take the reins.
It felt good not to fight the voice. I was growing tired of all the fighting, the striving to be strong… to be normal… to be cured. The longer I was without Daisy, the easier the voice found it to worm its way into my brain.
Checking the coast was clear, I made my way to the private family room two hallways down. I needed some alone time, to pull myself together before going back to the sorority house, before again having to act like nothing was wrong to my friends. But just as I was about to enter, a guy burst from the door and began sprinting down the hallway. His heavy black boots echoed on the tiles of the sterile floor, causing me to look his way.
My pulse began racing as I realized who it was. All black clothes, tattoos, piercings, black ear gauges, and dark hair, almost black.
Austin Carillo.
Just as Austin ran out of sight, I started as my daddy came out of the family room, dressed in his long white coat, his eyes searching the long, sparsely populated corridor for which direction Austin went.
Daddy hadn’t seen me standing there, staring at the unfolding scene, too concerned with Austin running away in the distance. Shaking his head, seemingly in sorrow, he turned to shut the family room door and finally looked my way.
Daddy’s eyebrows arched in surprise. “Lexi?” he said, seeming taken aback. I’d barely seen my parents in the last couple months. Daddy was always busy with his patients, my momma was busy with her dressmaking business, and I’d been busy with school.
“Hey, Daddy!” I said happily as I moved toward him. “I didn’t know you’d be here tonight.”