We were in tune with each other so much that I didn’t even realize it. I fully expected every sexual experience after that to be just as comfortable, sensual, and sweet, but nothing ever measured up. I remember after I left Ohio, my girlfriends would say sex gets better and how the first time is always terrible, but mine wasn’t because Jase and I had spent years and years getting to know each other first.
In bed, in my apartment, I stared up at the ceiling, lit ominously by a streetlight streaming through my curtains. I wished that I had asked him what his life was like when we were apart. And I wondered if he was in some hotel room nearby with Andrea.
11. Head in the Game
When I woke up the next morning, the sun was blasting me in the face. My eyes were caked shut and swollen from crying. I could hear Cyndi, Sharon, and Cara busying themselves in the kitchen. I slithered out of bed and snuck into the bathroom, undetected. Staring into the mirror, I wondered why I was avoiding the book. Maybe I was afraid once I finished it there would be nothing left of Jase and me.
I walked out into the kitchen and was greeted by a smiling Trevor, a derisive Cyndi, and Cara, who was trying to melt into the wall.
“Where’s Sharon?”
“She went to the store. You had no food here,” Cyndi said.
“Oh.” I leaned up and kissed Trevor. “Morning. What are you doing here?”
“I thought maybe we could take Cyndi and Sharon kayaking in the caves,” Trevor said.
“Okay.” I looked away from Trevor toward Cara and mouthed, Did you call him?
She shook her head no.
Sharon came through the door with a bag of groceries. “What’s up, kids?”
“We’re going kayaking!” I announced.
Cyndi and Sharon’s eyes darted between Trevor and me. “Am I missing something?” Trevor said.
“No,” I said. “Let’s get ready.”
Cyndi followed me into the bedroom. “Are you gonna tell him?”
“There’s nothing to tell. You’ve never been pushy with me, so please don’t start now.” She left the room without saying another word. Cyndi and Sharon always preached honesty in relationships, but she couldn’t expect me to blurt out in front of everyone that I had met with Jase the night before and that we had agreed to be friends. It seemed insignificant in that moment when I saw that Trevor was there, making an effort.
An hour later, we walked down to the beach and rented kayaks. The guy working the rental stand explained to us that we needed to paddle hard past the ocean break and then we could cruise south toward the caves where the water was calm. Trevor had done it before, but the rest of us were rookies.
Cyndi and Sharon were fit and strong and always up for adventure, so I knew they could do it. They made it look easy, paddling over the first swell and then turning their kayak to wait for us. I sat in the front of our kayak while Trevor sat in the back.
Just before we were about to make our attempt past the break, Trevor called out, “Remember, I can’t paddle, so you’re gonna have to work harder.”
I turned around and glared at him. “What?”
He was holding the oar across his lap. “My arm. I’m still rehabbing it. I’m not supposed to do stuff like this.”
“Then why the hell did you even grab an oar?”
He gestured to the oncoming waves. “Turn around, pay attention.”
It was clear and warm that day, but it was winter, so the water was too cold for swimming. The idea was to stay as dry as possible. I realized quickly that I would need to paddle much harder.
“This was your idea, Trevor!” I yelled, out of breath.
Sharon and Cyndi had made it past the break easily before a new set of waves came in, but we weren’t as lucky. They were waving to us, yelling, “Come on, hurry!” I almost started to laugh at how ridiculous I must have looked trying to paddle past the waves as Trevor sat back, taking in the sunshine.
“I’m so mad at you, Trevor! I can’t paddle your two-hundred-and-twenty-pound ass all the way out there.”
“You can do it, Emi. Put a little muscle into it.”
I growled and then began paddling fast, left then right, but we were too heavy and it was slow progress. The swells were getting bigger and bigger. The first wave came and I barely made it over before it broke. The kayak smacked down over the swell of the wave, causing water to fly up and splash me full in the face. “Oh god, it’s freezing!”
“Push, push, Emi! Hurry!”
“Oh, fuck you, Trevor, I don’t need a coach right now. I need you to paddle!”
“I can’t. Come on, you can do it.” He squeezed my shoulder and I almost hauled off and hit him with the oar.
“Paddle!” I heard Cyndi yell.
“Oh no!” I screamed. A huge wave was coming.
“Straighten out!” Trevor yelled. Our kayak was turning parallel with the wave, and I couldn’t stop it.
“Oh shit!” I was paddling as hard as I could but getting nowhere.