“I mean, maybe in fiction. In real life, he hasn’t reached out to me in twelve years.” I was still heartbroken that he had never looked for me. After I went to college, I had looked for him a few times online, but never got any hits. As more time passed, I figured he had gotten over us and moved on. I could see now that I was right. Jase was living his life in California the way he had dreamed he would, but I wasn’t a part of it.
When we were kids he’d say, I’m gonna publish a book by the time I’m thirty. And he had done it. He had a bestselling novel and a book tour set up by a publisher, and he’d done it all without me. He was gorgeous and talented and had everything he wanted. Why would he ever come looking for me? That bastard.
Cara pulled back and looked me in the eyes. “You should finish the book and go with me to see him tomorrow.”
I sniffled. “I don’t know. Maybe.” I thought about all those deleted messages I hadn’t sent through his website. A part of me still wanted to give him a piece of my mind. “I might be a little curious to see him, but I need to finish the book first.”
She nodded. “Okay, I think you should.”
I nodded. A short while later, after Cara had turned in for the night, I made a pot of coffee and prepared myself to dive back into the past.
From All the Roads Between On the fifth night at the Kellers’, I snuck down to the kitchen and grabbed the phone again to call Jax.
“Hello?” He sounded groggy.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s one a.m. I have to get up early tomorrow.”
His dismissive tone bothered me, leaving me vulnerable. “Why?”
“’Cause they just canceled the bus route down here.”
“What? Really? What do you mean?”
“It means I have to fucking walk, Em.”
My stomach sank. “To where?”
“To Carter’s. Cal Junior just started giving me a ride to the bus stop on Fifth.”
I visualized the route in my head. Jax would have to walk two miles each way every day just to get to Carter’s, probably before it was even light out. And he had to hitch a ride with Cal Junior, the thirty-year-old son of Cal Carter, the owner of the egg ranch. Cal Junior was strange and creepy, and there was a story about how he had once exposed himself to two kids who had been riding their bikes past the ranch. We stayed away from him as much as possible.
“Oh my god, Jax, I’m so sorry. What happened to Ms. Beels?”
“They won’t let her come down this far for one kid.”
It’s all my fault. “Why on earth are you getting a ride from Junior?”
“Do I have a choice? My mom arranged it. I guess he was hanging around her work last night and she told him about our problem. He offered, and I caught a ride with him this morning.”
“Did he talk to you?”
“No, he just smoked cigarettes the whole way into town. I smelled like an ashtray by the time I got to school.”
“Isn’t there any other way?”
“I don’t know.” Jackson sounded empty, shattered, and distant.
“You sound depressed.”
“I’m fine. Listen, I’m tired. Can we talk later in the week?”
“Sure. Okay, love you,” I said, feeling awful that we were getting off the phone without exchanging at least a few nice words.
“Good night.”
“I said I love you, Jackson.”
“Love you too, Em.” After we hung up, I stared at the phone, wondering why Jackson seemed distant.
Over the next few weeks, Jax answered only about half of the time, and each time he sounded more and more depressed. He would ask if I was okay and then he’d rush off the phone. Thankfully, I never got caught, and if Mr. and Mrs. Keller knew, they didn’t say anything.
When Jax’s birthday arrived, I called him to see if he had gotten his driver’s license.
“Hello?”
“Happy birthday! So . . . did you get it?”
“Yep.”
“Congratulations, stud! Who took you to the DMV?”
“Cal Junior.”
“Really? Weird.”
“Yeah, well, beggars can’t be choosers.”
“Okay, so . . . now what?”
“I guess I’m gonna work at the ranch every day until I have enough money to get a car.”
“I’m proud of you, Jax. Even if you don’t get a car, I’ll be proud of you.”
“Yeah?” He sounded down, even though he should have been celebrating.
“Yeah. I miss you,” I added.
“Thanks.”
“I said I miss you.”
“I miss you too,” he said quietly.
“Will you come and see me?” My voice was shaking. His steely tone and short answers were making me feel sick. I was twirling my hair into a giant dreadlock at the side of my head out of sheer nervousness. I wondered if he was falling out of love with me, or if life was just getting worse and worse for him and he was afraid to burden me with his problems.
“How am I supposed to do that?”
“After school, I go to the library in town. Mrs. Keller doesn’t pick me up until four. I can skip my last class and meet you in the town if you can borrow Junior’s truck or your mom’s car.”
“I don’t know, Em. That sounds impossible.”
“I just want to see you. I want to put my arms around you and wish you a happy birthday in person . . . and give you a birthday kiss.”
He laughed, but there was a hollow quality to it. “Yeah, that would be nice.”