“Pretty sure,” I laugh. I rip the dough up, folding it in half to knead it again. “A guy like that—“
“That’s your problem. You’ve been dating the man but you’re fearing the image. They aren’t the same person, Lilly. He’s all soft serve and sex in his commercials, but when he’s with you he’s different. He’s a person. And he’s into you. Like really into you.”
“I know that.”
“And you’re into him too. I think you’d be in love with him if you’d let yourself.”
“Don’t you think I want to be?!” I demand sharply, the words bursting out of me. The truth exploding in my face. “He’s fucking amazing! And not because he’s Colt Avery, but because he’s him. He’s sweet and fun, and I’m better when I’m with him.”
“I know,” Rona replies softly. “I can see it and it’s been awesome having you back. Hearing you laugh and seeing you smile again. You’re singing again too.”
“What? No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are,” John says from the alley.
I jump, turning to catch his black clad shoulder disappear from view. “Quit eavesdropping!” I shout after him.
He doesn’t respond. I don’t think he can hear us anymore.
“See?” Rona declares triumphantly. “Even John notices it. You’re singing to yourself when you’re working. You do it all the time. The same way you used to when we first started working here, and Colt did that. He brought that back out of you. I’m a little in love with him for that.”
“Well, teach me how because I can’t make that leap. I can’t take that last step into loving him and it’s all her fault.”
“Whose?”
“Cassie’s,” I snap. “Ever since she left Michael high and dry I’m afraid to let anyone hurt me like that. And Colt could definitely do what she did. He could just disappear into the fame one day, and he won’t even remember my name.”
“The way your dad doesn’t?”
I feel like she hit me. Like my best and oldest friend slapped me across the face. Blood rises to my cheeks in response to the blow, my jaw and heart dropping to the floor. Her words, her hit, they hurt so hard I can barely breathe.
“You’re not afraid of Colt leaving you,” Rona tells me gently, her eyes shining sorrowfully. “You’re not afraid of your dad being in the spotlight. You’re afraid of loving someone and having them forget you again. That’s why you’re running.”
I breathe out in a rush, my body doubling over. I fall with my palms flat against the cold steel of the island, the fight pouring out of me on hot tears that rush down my cheeks.
Rona is there in a flash, her arms going around me. I lean into her. I lean on her, and I try to breathe. I try to inhale, to calm, but I can’t. I’m crying silently, an extended sob that’d be a wail of agony if I had the strength.
“It’s okay to be scared,” Rona whispers soothingly. “I would be too if I were you. But you’re strong enough to handle it, and he’s worth it, Lilly. You both are. He loves you. I know he does. And you’ll love him too if you let yourself. And you’ll be better for it.”
“I can’t,” I moan, not even sure what it means. “I can’t. I can’t.”
“Yes, you can.”
I hiccup hard, so hard my throat closes and I feel like I’ll be sick. “I miss him. I miss him so much.”
I’m not sure who I’m talking about; my dad or Colt, but it’s true either way.
And it cuts like a knife down my heart.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
COLT
December 6th
U.S. Bank Stadium
Minneapolis, Minnesota
I have a hangover. Not a good way to be on game day, but it is what it is. I went out with Tyus last night to a club. He got the inside scoop on it from a stewardess he chatted up on the long flight into Jack Frost’s frozen asshole, and we spent way too much time and money there. I don’t even remember what I drank, but I remember the sound it made spilling into the garbage can by the bed this morning. It was ugly and that seems right. It’s how I feel.
Tyus knew something was wrong with me, but dude didn’t ask. He’s good like that. He doesn’t ask a lot of questions, but when you tell him you need to get fucked up, he makes a plan. He gets you there and back, safe and sound. He even puts a water on your nightstand.
Then the sadistic motherfucker makes you run wind sprints with him to warm up for the game. I almost puked again.
Now I stand on the sidelines staring at the white chalk marking out the yards. I run them in my head, getting myself psyched up for the game. This stadium is one of the indoors, the kind that you always find out east where it gets too fucking cold to play outside in December. I don’t like them. Ceilings a mile high and they make me feel closed in. I like the sky over my head. I like fresh air and sunshine.