Dear Celibate:
Get a hold of yourself. Contrary to what it appears you may believe, the world does not revolve around you. Perhaps this woman had an early morning doctor’s appointment to refill her birth control pills. Something a celibate man like yourself might appreciate—that is, if you are ever afforded the opportunity to break that vow of celibacy. Perhaps you should take a different train for a while. Better yet, take a trip to your own physician for some testing. On the off chance that you have an opportunity with this mysterious train woman, you’ll want to be prepared.
My day had already been monopolized thinking about why she wasn’t on the train this morning. Fucking great. Now it would be impossible to think about anything else but coming inside of her, for the entire night.
***
SORAYA NEVER SHOWED UP on the train the following two days either. I got the feeling she had chosen to intentionally avoid me until our date. Thank God tonight was the night of the party at the tattoo shop. Otherwise, I might have lost my damn mind.
I was about to explode in more ways than one. My emotions were out of control, and it no longer felt healthy to hold everything in. There was only one person I could trust with details of my personal life. I normally never called my grandmother during the week, but for some reason, I felt like I needed her to set me straight today before I made a total ass of myself tonight. Pushing the pile of papers on my desk aside, I picked up the phone. It rang three times before she answered.
“Graham? Are you alright?”
“Everything is fine, Meme.”
“You don’t normally call me on a Thursday.”
“I know.”
“What’s going on? You seemed preoccupied last Sunday. Is something wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong.”
“Well, what is it?”
Letting out a deep breath, I cut to the chase. “Am I a bad person?”
“What kind of a question is that?”
“There’s this…woman I’ve been seeing. She seems to distrust me. And I have to wonder if there’s a legitimate reason for that. Maybe I’m not good for her. Maybe I’m not good for anyone.”
Never one to mince words, Meme laughed and said, “You do have a tendency to be a dick, sweetheart. But from what you tell me, that’s par for the course when it comes to your business dealings. Dealing with a woman, on the other hand, is a whole different ball game. And you’ve certainly played the field…”
“That’s the thing. I have…but this one is different. It feels different. I don’t even know how to explain it. It makes no sense, really. We’re nothing alike at all. She’s from Brooklyn…an Italian, hot-tempered, loose cannon with multi-colored hair. She calls me out on stuff. She can even be downright mean sometimes. Yet…I can’t get enough of her. But I can tell she doesn’t trust me. I don’t know how to get through to her.”
Meme snorted. “I’m assuming by get through…you also mean she hasn’t allowed you to have your way with her?”
“She hasn’t allowed anything to happen in that area, no.”
“You’re just not used to women keeping their legs closed. There is such a thing as a lady with self-respect, you know. I think I like this girl.”
I sighed into the phone as she continued.
“It takes time to see people for who they really are. You need to be yourself and have patience, and eventually, she will see the real you.”
“But what if the real me isn’t good for her? What if I’m toxic?”
“Who said that?”
“I don’t know if I am capable of love anymore…”
“Just the fact that you even care, Graham, is a good sign. If it’s the right person, we’re all capable of it. You fell in love with that Genevieve, didn’t you?”
Just the mention of her name made my stomach sour.
“Look where that got me.”
“You know what I think?”
“What?”
“I think you’ve been trying so hard to control everything, intentionally picking the wrong people, just so you won’t get hurt. And now you’re starting to believe that you’re incapable of anything more. You’re beginning to believe your own lies.”
“Maybe.”
“I think this girl…what’s her name?”
“Soraya…”
“Soraya…huh…pretty.”
I closed my eyes and twirled my watch around my wrist. “She is.”
“Anyway, I think this girl is a wake-up call for you, that we don’t always have control over things. Just go with the flow. Let things happen on their own. Give up control. But more importantly, for God’s sake, don’t be an asshole.”
I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. “I’ll keep that in mind, Meme.”
The realization hit that Soraya was definitely not the first woman in my life to tell it like it is.
CHAPTER 9
SORAYA