While I was trying to think of a way to break it off without seeming like a total asshole, Carolyn spoke up.
“Derek,” she said, tucking her hair behind her ears. “I hope you won’t take this the wrong way, but—” She gave me an embarrassed smile. “I don’t think we have enough chemistry for some reason. Or the right kind of chemistry. I really like you, and I think you like me, but…” She shook her head. “Something’s missing. I was really hoping it would develop or we’d find it somewhere along the way, but it hasn’t happened.” She took on a tortured expression. “And it’s really a shame, because you’re hot, and you’re a great guy, and you’re single, and I am too, and I haven’t had sex in a really, really, really ridiculously long time, but my gut is telling me we’re better off as friends.”
Relief rushed through me. “Carolyn, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’ve had fun with you. And I don’t want you to be a stranger, either.”
“I’ve had fun with you, too. And I wish things were different.”
“Me too. Who knows, maybe in another life, we’d have been more than friends,” she said airily, tucking her hands into her back pockets. “But this life is what we have, and I’d like to spend the rest of mine with someone crazy about me.” She smiled ruefully. “Just have to find him first.”
“You will. You’re fantastic, Carolyn. And some lucky guy is going to cross your path and fall hard for you. I know it.”
“Maybe.” She shrugged, but she looked happy at the thought. “What about you?”
I wasn’t sure what she meant. “What about me?”
“You okay with this?”
“Of course. To be honest, I felt the same, but I didn’t want to say anything without giving us a fair chance.”
“We had a fair chance. It just wasn’t meant to be.” She hesitated, like she wanted to say more and wasn’t sure she should.
“What?” I prompted.
She tilted her head. “Can I say something? It’s kind of crazy, and I could be wrong, but it’s been in the back of my mind for two days, and I don’t want to offend you, but maybe it—”
“Carolyn.”
“Okay.” She took a deep breath. “I might be way off here, but I sensed something between you and Maxim Saturday night. Maybe it was all in my imagination, but—”
“It was,” I said quickly. “You’re way off.”
She flashed her palms at me. “Like I said, I could be wrong.”
“You are.” I needed to get out of here. The back of my neck was burning hot, and I was afraid my face was giving me away. I was not prepared for this. “I should go.”
Her face fell. “Okay. I’m really sorry, Derek. I didn’t mean to offend you. I just know how hard it is to find someone you have chemistry with, and you mentioned you were struggling with something, and I thought—”
“You thought wrong.” I took a step back. “But it’s okay. I’m not offended.”
“Good. Well…goodnight.”
“Night.”
I stepped off her porch and headed down the front walk, feeling her eyes on me. She knows. It was obvious, and she knows. But how? No one else had said anything! Then again, no one else had been focused on me romantically, or paying close attention to me like she had been. Plus Carolyn was smart and intuitive. She’d probably noticed me staring at him Saturday night, maybe even tonight. I hadn’t been careful enough.
Suppressing a groan, I got into the car and started it up, more conflicted than ever.
Damn you, Maxim. Damn you for coming here and fucking with me like this. I had a plan, and you derailed it. Maybe I made the first move—and the second—but why’d you have to give in to me so easily? Why didn’t you shut the door in my face? Why did you let me do that to you?
I drove home, angry and confused and less sure than ever that I wouldn’t try to do it again tonight.
In fact, I was fairly certain I would.
Twenty-Two
MAXIM
I had no right to be angry. I knew that. Rationally, I knew that Derek had every right to say no to being with me and go on a date with Carolyn. Or with anyone.
But did he have to bring her here, where he knew I’d see them? Where I’d have to watch him pay her all the attention I wanted from him? Where I’d be forced to face the reality that he didn’t want me enough to get over his fears? That I wasn’t enough?
There had to be a thousand restaurants in this city. Why did he have to choose the one where I worked?
He’d done it on purpose, just to torture me. Why?
I spent the entire evening being mad at him, and in turn at myself for being mad in the first place. It was a ridiculous, twisted circuit of anger that had my head throbbing by the end of the night. I spent a ridiculous amount of energy flirting with girls just to spite him. I hoped he saw.
God, had I really thought he was going to choose me? That just because he let me suck him off in the kitchen or jerk me off in the dark I would matter to him? I’d only known him for three days! He’d spent like twenty years playing totally straight because he thought his attraction to guys was wrong. Had I really thought I would be the one to change that? Maybe I’d been the one to finally tempt him enough to act on his closeted sexual impulses, but that didn’t mean anything more than surface attraction. In the end, that’s all I was to him—a hook-up.
And I didn’t want to be his charity case. As soon as humanly possible, I was going to move out. I had my savings now, and I had a job making way better money than I’d ever made before. I might not have a Range Rover or a Rolex, but I had street smarts and survival skills, and I came from a long line of people who’d done what they had to do to get by. I didn’t need anyone to hand me luxury on a fancy plate—I could earn it myself, and I would. First thing tomorrow, I’d find another place to live.
I was silent and sullen on the ride back to Derek’s, and Ellen took note.
“Hey.” She glanced at me. “You okay tonight?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t seem okay. I know Russians aren’t chatty by nature, but you’re broody even for a Russian tonight. And your aura is a little disturbed.”
“Is it?”
“Yeah. It’s dark. Very dark. I thought so when I picked you up today, but now I can really sense it.”
“Sorry.” I tried to think of a light color, so maybe my aura wouldn’t bother her.
“Don’t be sorry. Everyone is entitled to a dark aura now and again. But did something happen at work?”
“No.”
After a minute or so of silence, she said, “Did you know Derek was bringing Carolyn there tonight?”
“No.” I wondered what they were doing right now. Was he kissing her? Touching her? Fucking her? Jealousy spiked in me, unwelcome and unfamiliar. It’s none of your business what they do.
“She’s so nice, but…” Her voice trailed off, but my ears perked up. “I don’t know if they’re right for each other. Something’s off. It’s like they’re trying too hard.”
“Mmm.”