“You don’t think he’ll accept you?”
“It has nothing to do with acceptance,” Sam said. “Don’t get me wrong—Topher’s like a saint. He could have gone to any college he wanted, but he’s staying in town to help his mom take care of his disabled little brother. Telling Topher the truth will only be difficult because… well, because he has a crush on me.”
“Is the feeling reciprocated?”
“You mean, do I have a crush on Topher?” he asked. “I’m not sure I’ve ever thought about it. I’m definitely attracted to men, if that’s what you’re asking. But I’ve been so focused on being myself that being with someone else hasn’t really been a priority. Does that make sense?”
The psychologist made a note of it.
“And what do your parents think?”
“My mom couldn’t handle it,” Sam said, and shivered at just the thought of telling her. “She cries at every episode of Grey’s Anatomy—I can’t imagine what this would do to her. She’d probably take me to a witch doctor or hide estrogen pills in my food.”
“And what about your father?”
“Oh, I’ve never met my dad,” Sam said. “He was long gone before my mom found out she was pregnant.”
“Have you ever had a stable father figure in your life?”
“Lots of figures, but never stable.” Sam laughed. “My mom bounced from boyfriend to boyfriend, job to job, and city to city, dragging me all the way up the Mississippi River until we settled in Downers Grove. She made me call her ‘Big Sis’ until I was eight. If that doesn’t paint the family dynamic I’m working with, I don’t know what will—hence why I’m here.”
Dr. Sherman found this remarkably interesting and made several notes.
“Well, Ms. Gibson, I have wonderful news,” the psychologist said. “You’re not transgender.”
After spending almost an hour sharing his deepest secret, this was the last thing Sam expected to hear.
“Excuse me?” he asked.
“Growing up without a father and with an undependable mother, I assume there were many times in your childhood when you had to act as your own parent,” Dr. Sherman said very confidently. “You had no choice but to assume the role of caretaker, not only for yourself, but at times for your mother as well. In the absence of a male presence, you had to be ‘the man of the house,’ so to speak. Therefore, it is perfectly understandable why you desire a male identity.”
Sam felt like he had driven his car to a body shop for repairs and the mechanic was calling it a horse.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think that’s accurate,” he said. “I’m transgender because I identify with a sex that differs from my body. It has nothing to do with not having a father figure in my life.”
“Yes, I understand you believe you’re transgender, but it is my professional opinion that you’re suffering from identity confusion—”
“I’m not confused about anything,” Sam said. “This has been something I’ve struggled with and kept hidden since I was a child. I don’t think you understand how hard it was to come here and tell someone about it. I came here for advice on what to do next and how to tell my loved ones, not to be treated like I’m crazy.”
Dr. Sherman took off his glasses and set his notes aside. The next two words that came out of his mouth made Sam realize the psychologist would never understand and he had made a grave mistake in coming to see him.
“Young lady,” the psychologist said. “I have studied the human mind for more than four decades. I understand the appeal of joining the transgender community, but I promise you, the transgender movement is nothing short of a trend for nonconformists. In fact, it is still considered a mental illness by the World Health Organization. I would very much like to help you, but mutilating your body is not something I will recommend when your issues can be worked out through counseling.”
Sam was at a loss for words but with an abundance of emotion. He felt his whole life had been spent in a straitjacket, and the first person he had asked to loosen it only made it tighter.
“I’ll make you a deal,” Dr. Sherman said. “Go home and look up the unemployment rate, the poverty rate, the harassment rate, and the victims-of-violence rate of transgender Americans. If you are still confident that it is the lifestyle you’d like to lead, I’ll be happy to recommend another psychologist. But until then, I’m afraid there’s nothing more I can do for you.”
Sam had expected to leave Dr. Sherman’s office feeling liberated, confident, and enthusiastic to pursue the life he was meant to lead. Instead, as Sam walked home he felt more depleted, scared, and isolated than ever before. If he couldn’t get support from a clinical psychologist, could he find it in his friends and family? Could he make the transition without them? Could he find the strength to transition all by himself?