“I want you to take me home. Now,” Cindy said.
She tore her hand from my grasp and rose from the table. We rode back to her house in silence, her entire body pressed against the door of my truck like she was trying to get as far away from me as she could. I could see her crying. I could see her shoulders shaking. I could hear her muffled sobs as we pulled into my driveway.
I walked her to her porch, and she turned to me, her body flush against mine.
“Please, don’t do this,” Cindy said breathlessly.
“I don’t have a—”
She rose up and crashed our lips together. I wrapped my arms around her, memorizing how she felt one last time. I took in the swell of her chest against mine and how her hips instinctively rolled into my body. She was soft and warm, with just a touch of innocence I hoped would never go away.
Then I released her and settled her down on her feet.
“Goodbye, Cindy.”
“Graham, please.”
“Give Lily a kiss for me,” I said.
“Graham, stop it!”
I stepped off her porch and walked across her lawn, forcing myself to not look back. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to remember her this way. I didn’t want to remember what a broken heart looked like on her face. I didn’t want to remember tears streaming down her cheeks or scabs on her face or bruises on her jaw.
I wanted to remember her panting in my ear, chanting my name as our bodies writhed together in ecstasy. I wanted to remember the look of her skin illuminated with the morning sun. I wanted to remember her with a smile on her face, a smile I somehow managed to put there.
Looking back at her would only destroy that.
And I had destroyed enough.
CHAPTER 31
CINDY
I stood there in a daze on the porch as I watched Graham walk into his house. It wasn’t until Nicole guided me to my room that I snapped out of it. She helped me take my shoes off, tucked me into bed, and fielded Lily’s questions about what was wrong. I felt empty. Lost. Abandoned by another man I had grown to care about.
I was alone again.
And my body ached.
I got up in the morning and cleaned myself as best as I could. I still couldn’t move my shoulder well, and my hip was still throbbing with every step I took. I couldn’t stand to look at myself in a mirror yet, and Nicole kept telling me to not worry about work.
But I needed work.
I needed something that felt familiar and could occupy my mind with anything other than the war that was raging inside me.
Nicole and I took Lily to school, but I stayed in the car. I didn’t want to frighten any of the other children with what I looked like. Lily looked back and waved at me, and I smiled and waved back.
But I was still overwhelmed with sadness.
“Okay. Talk to me,” Nicole said.
I jumped as she slammed her door closed.
“Do we have enough time to get coffee?” I asked.
“We’ve got all the time in the world.”
“No, we don’t. We have to work today,” I said.
“Nope. I’m closing the shop down today. You and I are going to talk over some good coffee, and then we’re going to spend the day together until we have to pick Lily up.”
“You don’t have to do that. I would welcome the work.”
“I’m not working you until you’re off that pain medication, so deal with it. Now, what kind of coffee do you want?”
“Can we go to that place with those gooey cinnamon rolls? We can sit in the car and eat them.”
“Will you talk to me about what happened last night?” she asked.
“Why do you think something happened?”
“Because you were yelling after Graham, and when I came out onto the porch, it looked like you had seen a ghost,” she said.
“Graham’s leaving,” I said.
“Leaving? What do you mean?”
“I mean he’s leaving town. He thinks that he’s the one who put me in danger.”
“What?” she asked.
“He said that even though his name has been cleared, whatever that meant, and that Paul was arrested, it didn’t mean the mob wasn’t still looking for him.”
“Even with the cops and the CIA on watch for them now?” she asked.
“Even with that,” I said.
“Well, I’m sorry to have to agree with him but, it’s just, if that’s true, then I can’t blame him for wanting to leave.”
“If it wasn’t for him, Nicole, I’d be dead right now. He saved me from Paul. He wasn’t the reason Paul unraveled.”
“True. But if there are people still looking for him, being around him does make you a prime target.”
“So you think this is what he should do? Just run off without a trace and leave me behind? After all we’ve gone through together?”
“No, I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying that what’s he’s saying makes sense. In his mind, he’s doing the right thing by leaving. He probably sees it as his way of keeping you and Lily safe. And after what happened with his own family and after what happened with you last week, I can’t blame him for wanting to do that.”
“But?”
“But you obviously have strong feelings for him,” she said. “If you don’t want him to leave, then fight for him. Buck up against him and give him all of the reasons why he should stay.”
“Why do I have to fight? Why can’t he just listen to my rationale? I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m done fighting. I’m tired. I’m in pain, and I care about the man, for fuck’s sake.”
“If you care about him, then you’ll need to fight for him. You don’t fight for things you don’t care about, Cindy.”
“And what if this is all one big cover?” I asked. “What if he simply doesn’t want to be with me, and he’s using all of this as justification?”
“Why would you think that?” she asked.
“Because he’s done nothing but push me away this past week! He hasn’t come over once to check in on me. Lily’s gone and knocked on his door several times, and he wouldn't answer. Now he’s hell-bent on leaving town. He said he was giving me the ‘courtesy’ of telling me to my face. Why didn’t he just leave?”
“Because he cares about you,” she said.
“Are you really defending him right now?”
“Yes, I am. Because in the time you’ve been with Graham, I haven’t seen you happier. I haven’t seen you smile the way you smile about him since Bradley. And that’s some serious shit because I know you don’t open up easily to others.”
“Things have already been set in motion anyway,” I said.
“I think you’re insane if you don’t try to stop him from leaving. I think you’ll regret it and that it will eat you up for years to come.”
“Years. Okay, Nicole.”
“You wallowed with Bradley. Losing that man broke you. You couldn’t even look at Lily without bursting into tears because of how much she looked like him. You lost over forty pounds because you wouldn’t eat, and you were hospitalized twice with dehydration because your depression caused you to sink. I almost lost you, Cindy. I almost lost both of you that year. I liked Bradley. He became a good friend of mine once he came into your life, but there were times when you had to fight for him, remember?”
“Nicole, don’t,” I said.
“Remember your first year of marriage? When that explosion happened overseas, and you didn’t hear from him for two weeks?”
“Stop it,” I said.
“You heard from him when you received his end of those divorce papers. He said he couldn’t drag you through the shell of a man he’d become over that deployment, and you fucking met his ass on the tarmac and lit that shit on fire. Right in front of him. Remember?”
“Yes, I remember! Of course, I remember!”
“You clawed through the mire and the darkness for that man. Why aren’t you willing to do it with Graham when I know you care about him as much as you cared about Bradley?”
“Because I don’t know if he’ll stay, Nicole! I don’t know if fighting for him will work!”