“You don’t have to accept it. It doesn’t change the reality of it.”
Luke’s hand curled around his armrest, his knuckles fading to white from his grip. He might have been able to stay calm on the surface, but he wasn’t inside. “I think you’re mad at me about something. I think you heard something or read something or learned about something that made you feel like I’d betrayed you in some way. I’d like to know whatever it is so I can explain myself.”
I shifted in my seat. “There’s nothing to explain.”
“Then there is something?”
My eyes closed. Why wouldn’t he just let this go? Why was he acting like he really cared? I knew two months of the season were still left, but surely Luke Archer could get his physical needs attended to by no shortage of candidates. This unknowing, albeit welcoming, designated candidate was done.
“Let me give you my explanation since you’ve clearly arrived at your own.” When Luke’s arm bumped mine gently, warmth spread into my body. It should have been soothing, but my anger turned it into the opposite.
My eyes snapped open. “What is it you think you’ve done, Luke? What in the hell do you think you could have done to piss me off and push me away?” I paused just long enough for him to let that settle in. “If you won’t accept that I’m through with us just because our fuck-buddy status ran its shelf life, then you must have something else in mind for why I called it off.”
His brows came together as he inspected the area around us like I had earlier. No one was twisting around in their seats.
“You keep asking me what’s wrong and why I’m angry, so surely you must have come up with a list of reasons why. If you’re asking me what it is you need to fix, then you must know there’s something you broke in the first place.” My whispered words were making me shake. “What do you have to explain to me, Luke?”
I saw something settle into his eyes, the creases of confusion ironing out. The longer he studied me silently fuming in the seat beside him, the more realization settled over him. He knew I knew.
I should have felt vindication in that. I should have felt victorious that I’d figured it out, unlike the ones before me. As I watched him fall back into his seat, his eyes closing and his mouth sealing, it felt like more of a defeat.
“See? You don’t have anything to say either.”
When I rose to find someplace else to sit, Luke’s hand grabbed mine as I slid by him. As I felt my fingers start to curl around his, I swiped my hand away and bolted into the aisle.
“If you ever touch me again, I will tell everyone on this bus and everyone in the whole damn world about your little secret, Luke Archer.” My voice shook as I glared at him. “Don’t you ever lay your hands on me again.”
Something dark flashed over his face, then he tipped his ball cap low on his face and closed his eyes. I guessed he was done fighting. I’d said what I needed to to make him give up. My threat hadn’t made me proud—I knew the importance he placed on privacy—but it was all I had left to sever the connection he refused to let go of.
“How’s that for pushing you away?”
WE WERE BACK in San Diego for a home game. Home. I’d spent a lot of time thinking about what home was. Was it a city? A house? A person? A feeling? A combination of all of that?
Home. Most days it felt like a fantasy, something as lofty and far-fetched as a unicorn. Like you’d have to steal it if you really wanted it because it wasn’t just going to fall into your lap. It wasn’t a given; it was something you had to take.
As I sat at the small table in my apartment, I knew this wasn’t home. It was so quiet, but not the kind that felt peaceful. The kind that felt lonely. The kind that made a person reflect on crazy things like the definition of home.
Just as I was straining my teabag, hoping chamomile might be up to the task of allowing me some sleep tonight, there was a knock on my front door. I wasn’t expecting anyone and I hadn’t had time to make any friends in San Diego who would feel comfortable enough to just swing by at nine o’clock at night.
When I glanced through the peephole to see who it was, I sucked in a breath. After the way things had gone down between Luke and me, I’d never expected to hear from any of his sisters again. Then again, I did remember the very one standing on the other side of my door warning me that if I hurt him, I’d have three sisters to answer to.
I guessed I didn’t need to wonder why Alex was here.
Unlocking the door, I pulled it open. She returned my conventional smile, shifting like she was uncomfortable.
“Please don’t tell me you drove all the way from Oceanside,” I said softly.
She shook her head. “My sisters and I are staying with Luke this weekend.”
I exhaled some relief before my next question popped to mind. “Does Luke know you’re here?”
She shifted again. “Not exactly.”
I exhaled. “Alex . . .”