I end up spending the night in front of the TV, half watching and half writing. I’ve been working on a new book for the last few months and it’s been coming together really well, but tonight my words have all dried up.
Just after ten, I decide I’ve had enough of myself. I drag my sorry ass to bed and cry myself to sleep. I’ve never experienced extreme sadness like this before. Not even in my one long-term relationship. If Luke decides he doesn’t want me in his life anymore, I might just die of a broken heart.
33
Luke
“I can stay home tonight if you need me to,” Paris says over a late dinner on Tuesday. Sean had his earlier.
I eye her over my glass as I take a drink. “I’ve got nowhere to be. You go out.”
She stops eating and places her knife down. “I thought you might want to go out. See someone, apologise. That kind of shit.”
“Paris.” My tone holds a warning.
“Ugh, you are so infuriating. Why aren’t you out there chasing her down and telling her you were a dick? God knows you should be.”
“I told her it’s her choice. She knows where to find me.”
“Jesus, Luke, are you really this dumb?”
I shove my chair back and rise. “I refuse to allow Jolene back in this house. Callie invited her back by getting involved.”
“So either she ends this with Jolene or you end it with her?”
“Yes.” I carry my dish to the kitchen and place it in the dishwasher. Leaning my hands on the counter, I let out the angry breath trapped inside. As much as I’ve tried to shake it since my fight with Callie two days ago, I’m still holding onto the anger the fight stirred. I realise now it’s got more to do with Jolene than with Callie, but I refuse to budge on my decision.
Paris joins me in the kitchen. “I don’t understand you, Luke. Callie has lit up your life again—she’s made you smile more than I’ve ever seen you smile—and yet, you’re just going to let her go? Why?”
I grip the counter hard as I angle my face sideways to look at her. “Paris, do you know what Jolene did to me? What she really did to me?”
“She ripped your damn heart out, picked it apart so it was in tiny little pieces and then she fed it to the devil. That’s what she did. I know that, Luke, but don’t you see? Callie put it back together.”
She’s right, but there’s so much more that she doesn’t understand. I’m not sure anyone could ever fully grasp what my marriage has done to me. “Jolene did more than just rip my heart out, Paris. She took almost every ounce of belief and hope I ever had in the world and trashed it. She caused this wall of hate to grow inside me until all I saw when I looked at the world was black. She fucking stole my dreams. How could she sit through those years of me fighting to free her, and let me give up everything to do that? I thought I was letting this hurt and anger go, but hearing her voice on the phone the other day just showed me that I haven’t—that it’s still buried deep in my soul. It also showed me that I desperately need to find a way to let it go. And I can’t do that if Callie is standing in front of me, reminding me every fucking second that my past was my own personal form of hell.”
She considers what I’ve said, but she still doesn’t get it, because she frowns and says, “Honestly, I understand everything you’re saying, but at the same time it seems so simple to me. You love Callie. Why can’t that get you through?”
“Because it’s not that simple. I wish it were.”
The doorbell rings, bringing our conversation to an end. Paris leaves to answer it while I head into the lounge room. I’ve got some paperwork for the bar to get through and I’m going to do it while I watch some mindless television.
“Luke.” Callie’s voice cuts through my thoughts as I turn on the TV. Looking up, I find her watching me hesitantly from the doorway. “Can we talk?”
My heart squeezes in my chest at what I hear in her voice and what I see in her eyes. She’s hurting as much as I am. And yet, I’m unable to reconcile our disagreement over this. As much as I want her in my arms right now, I can’t switch off the feelings I have about this situation. I nod. “Yeah, we should.”
Her movements are slow as she makes her way to the couch. She sits at one end while I’m at the other. The distance between us is painful. “I’ve spent days thinking about everything you said.” She stops talking as if she’s scared to continue.
“And?”
She wrings her hands, dropping her gaze for a beat before finally meeting mine again. “I can’t do what you want.”
Her words are like a knife twisting in my heart.
“You mean you refuse to do what I want because can’t implies you actually could if you tried.”
Her eyes flare with more hurt, but I’m blinded by so much disappointment I barely see it. “I’m stuck, Luke. I love you and I want to do whatever I can to make you happy, but this isn’t something I can do in good conscience.”
I stare at her. “So you’re willing to just walk away from us? You’ll choose Jolene over what we have?”