“Natasha.”
“I don’t want a baby anymore. I don’t want a baby anymore. You have it,” I whisper frantically. I’m wet with perspiration and the tears are running down my face. Holy fucking shit. This hurts. Like murdering death pain, hurts.
“I want an epidural. Get that guy back. Get him back.” I point to the door and start to panic as I feel another contraction coming.
I screw up my face and clench. “Ahhhh!” I cry as I curl up in a ball.
“This is ridiculous,” Joshua cries. “Get her an epidural now!”
“Too late, Joshua,” Dr. Walton tells him. “She’s nine centimetres dilated. Almost time to push.”
Joshua’s wide eyes meet mine. Oh dear God. I’m going to die. I am going to die today.
I start to shake my head. “No, no, no.”
Dr. Walton smiles calmly.
My frantic eyes meet Joshua’s again. “I can’t do this, Josh,” I sob. “This is too hard. I can’t do it. Knock me out, give me a C-section.”
Joshua’s eyes dart from mine to the doctor’s in panic.
“I want to go to the bathroom,” I announce.
Joshua raises his eyebrows in question and I nod. “Yes, I want to go.”
“No, Natasha, you have to stay in bed at this stage,” Dr. Walton replies. “If you need to go, we will get you a bed pan.” I scowl. Oh, this is horrible.
I’m beside myself. I don’t think I can do this. I’m crying uncontrollably.
Joshua looks to the doctor and nurse in the room. “Can you give us a moment alone, please?”
“Of course.”
I watch as they both leave the room.
Joshua bends and kisses my head.
“Presh, please don’t cry.”
“Josh,” I whisper. “I can’t do this.” The tears run freely down my face. “Please get them to C-section me.”
Joshua grabs my face. “You listen to me.” His voice is calm and assertive.
My scared eyes search his.
“If I could have this baby for us, you know that I would.”
The tears run down my face.
“You have got this, Natasha.”
I stare at him as my heart races and, for some reason, the past comes flashing through my mind. I see the handsome nineteen–year-old university student who loved me with all of his heart. Then I see the dominant man I met seven years later.
“You can do this,” whispers my controlled and devoted husband.
I drop my head. We have been through so much, so much pain to be together and yet here I am in the pinnacle of our relationship, and I am crumbling like a flake.
“I know you can do this. Be the brave woman I know that you are,” Joshua whispers. His eyes are full of fear, but more than that, I can see love. He loves me so much.
“Josh,” I whisper through my fear.
He puts his finger to my lip to quieten me. “Remember what we learned in birthing class.”
I nod.
He kisses me tenderly and his tongues sweeps through my open lips.
He pulls my hair back aggressively so that I have to look in his eyes and, like a miracle, the dominant gesture he usually saves for our bedroom instantly eases my panic.
“I love you,” he whispers and I smile through my tears. “Bring me our child.”
Goosebumps scatter over my skin and I nod.
“Without hesitation, without fear, give birth to our baby.”
I smile as my tears flow. He’s right, there is no easy way to do this. Nobody else can do this for us. It’s up to me and me alone.
I need to get myself together.
“I love you,” I whisper.
“I know you can do this.” He kisses me again and I taste my salty tears on my lips.
“Don’t be scared,” he whispers.
“I’m not,” I assure him with renewed purpose. “I will.”
And as if the heavens have opened up, I now have clarity. I can see the end. I want our baby.
Joshua goes to the door and calls the doctor back in.
I close my eyes and ride through the next contraction in silence. Dr. Walton checks me again.
“Natasha, on the next contraction, I want you to push.”
I nod, close my eyes and wait until the contraction comes.
“Now, Natasha, push now.”
Joshua
I am at Natasha’s side holding her hand. She closes her eyes and she pushes. She pushes with everything that she has and, as if by some miracle, our baby’s head appears. Oh dear God. I stay next to my love and don’t have time to think. The next contraction comes almost immediately and she pushes again.
“That’s is, baby,” I whisper appreciatively. For fifteen minutes she continues to push.
“You are going great, Presh,” I chant. “Keep going, baby.”
I feel like I am having an out of body experience. I’m in my own private world watching this from above and I’m terrified.
The contraction comes. She pushes again and finally, I see the baby slide into the doctor’s hands.
I grab Natasha into an embrace and she cries in relief. “You did it, Presh. You did it.”