I rip the blankets down with force. “I just don’t.”
He puts his hands on his hips as he watches me, his eyes drop to the six chunky bangles on my wrist that cover my scar, and I cover them with my hand, suddenly self conscious. “What?” I snap and storm into the bathroom and turn the shower on. God, how dare he buy me a fucking diary? Why would I want to write down the shit that is in my head?
I get into the shower and turn the water on as hot as I can stand it. Joshua, wisely, stays in the bedroom. I lean against the tiles with my heart beating through my chest in anger and I don’t even know why. That’s a lie, I do but I can’t rationalise it. Just calm down, just calm down, I keep repeating to myself, and eventually I do. Forty minutes later, feeling very drained, I exit and slowly dry myself, wrap a towel around my body and walk into the bedroom. Joshua is sitting, propped up against the headboard reading a book. He doesn’t look up and I crawl into bed feeling unstable. He leans over and kisses me gently on the lips.
“You ok?” he asks softly, his worried eyes hold mine.
I nod and fake a smile. I have never felt so far from ok. I feel overwhelmed and unstable and unsure why I’m feeling like this. I am home, I am safe. Why is this anxiety still with me? Am I having a panic attack? Is that what this is? Normally I would have a migraine if I get like this but there is no sign. In fact, I would welcome that feeling over this.
“Goodnight, my precious girl. Go to sleep, baby. I’m here, it’s ok.”
I nod nervously, lie down and turn my back to him. I concentrate on regulating my breathing as he rests his hand on my hip and soothingly rubs his hand in a circle on my behind. I feel myself slowly start to relax under his hand.
It works, and after ten minutes with my love in our bed, I don’t remember anything else.
Joshua
I jump off the speeding treadmill, panting. I’m wet with perspiration, so I grab a towel to wipe myself. Nicholas has just returned from his morning run and I need to talk to him. Standing by the gate that leads from his villa into the pool area, I see him stretching.
“Hey.” I smile as I approach him.
He nods. “Beautiful morning.”
I nod and hesitate. Maybe now is not the time to broach this subject.
“Did you give it to her?” he asks.
I nod.
“Did she write anything down?”
I shake my head. “No.” I bought that diary yesterday on Nicholas’ suggestion. He’s worried about Natasha. I’m worried about Natasha. She’s acting normal, as if she has been through nothing, but last night her mask slipped a little and I know she’s struggling.
“She was agitated that the diary was there. She threw it into a drawer annoyed.”
Nicholas nods. “I see.”
I wipe the perspiration that keeps appearing on my forehead.
“Its very early days, Joshua.”
I nod. “I know.”
“Have you discussed what happened to her at all?”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to upset her.”
“Has she asked you about your time in prison or anything?”
I shake my head and frown. “No, she hasn’t and it’s weird. She normally asks me ten thousand questions a day.”
“Do you want me to spend some time with her?”
I put my hands on my hips to think. The last thing I want to do is upset her. “Maybe we are worried for nothing and she really is fine?” I shrug.
He smiles. “Perhaps.”
“She’s a strong woman.”
“She is.”
We are interrupted as Natasha saunters through the gate in her gym clothes. My eyes drop down to what she is wearing and the thick sweatband around her right wrist.
“Good… morning.” I frown. “Why are you up so early?”
“I need to work out,” she replies casually.
My eyes flick to Nicholas. What the hell? She hates working out with a passion.
She walks past us and saunters down the path toward the gym, seemingly without a care in the world.
My eyes meet Nicholas’ and I shake my head.
“Oh, and Joshua,” she calls out.
We both turn to face her. “Can we go motorbike riding today?” she asks. “Yes of course.”
“But I want my own bike this time.”
I hesitate before I answer.
“Nicholas you are coming, too. It’s so much fun.” She smiles as excitement fills her face.
“Sure, I would love to,” he replies.
Natasha smiles warmly and disappears out of our sight.
I turn my attention back to Nicholas. “We’ve got a fucking problem.”
Natasha