“Just have a little drop, bub. It’ll calm you down,” Liam suggested.
I took a swig and felt the burn. My head spun so I took another. Luke slid down on to the floor next to us. “I’m sorry, Sunshine. It was a stupid, irresponsible present. I should’ve checked with the pair of you first. You’ve got your hands full as it is without giving you a puppy to look after as well. I just thought it would be good for the boys to have a dog.” My breaths were still coming out shaky, so I didn’t reply in case I started to cry again. “I’ve got some Ambien at my place if you have trouble sleeping. Just give me a ring, and I’ll drop them back over.”
“What’s Ambien?”
“Sleeping tablets,” The boys both said together.
“She won’t need them,” Liam added. “I’ll run her a bath and pour her another drink. She’ll be fine.”
Luke kissed the top of my head and left. Liam ran me a bath and while I soaked in the bubbles and sipped wine, I thought again about my life. I thought about the fact that I should never have been born. I wasn’t planned. I wasn’t wanted. I was a mistake. I shouldn’t have happened.
My children were my greatest achievement, but I had snuffed out the existence of one of them. This morning, I’d smacked another. Tonight, I’d been a threat to the baby.
They’d gotten off lightly so far. I’d probably traumatised them, but tonight at least they’d escaped physical harm. What if next time they weren’t so lucky? What if the powers that be wanted an eye for an eye? I’d ended the life of one of my children before he’d even had a chance to take his first breath, so what if now there was a price to pay? Was that the way it worked? Was that what was happening here?
Recompense?
Payback?
Well, there was no way I would let them take my children. They could have me instead.
As I came to my conclusions and made my decision, I let the fog take me. I let it swallow me whole. I let the guilt rake great big gaping wounds across my flesh, and I let the rest of who I was fade away.
Since our bed was full, Liam made us a makeshift bed on the floor. I cried while we made love quietly, and when we were done, I kissed him and whispered, “Goodbye.”
He would hurt for a little while, but it was the right thing to do.
***
Outside the school the next morning, I kissed Carter goodbye, told him that I loved him, that he was my big brave boy, and that he had to always look out for his brothers.
Liam was finishing early and picking Carter up from school that afternoon. He was worried that being the eldest, he might have been a little more affected than the younger boys by the previous night’s events.
The timing couldn’t have been better.
Liam would collect Carter.
It was perfect.
It was meant to be.
I kissed the twins and waved them goodbye as they walked hand in hand into their playgroup.
I then called Taylor on the pretence of checking to see if she was okay.
“I’m okay. I just feel so awful.”
“It was just a horrible accident, Tay, not your fault at all.”
“How are the boys doing?”
“Surprisingly well, they’ve been asking after you.”
“Aww, really? I’m off today, can I come over and see them?”
“Sure. Ya know what, actually, could you do me a massive favour?”
“Of course, what d’ya need?”
“Would you be able to come to mine and collect Lucas and then walk up to the playgroup and pick up the twins for me?”
“Sure. Should I take them back to yours?”
“Yeah. Liam is picking up Carter, but I might even be back by then. I’m just gonna get my hair done.”
“I thought you had it done last week.”
“Yeah, I’m just getting a blow dry.”
I lied. The fog and the guilt, they helped me. They made the lying so easy.
“Okay. I’ll be round soon.”
I ended the call as I was pulling up to Luke’s place. He was already gone to work, so I let myself in and found what I was looking for.
***
After kissing my baby boy goodbye, I drove to the next town over from ours and checked into the first hotel I came across. The room was small but clean, and I stripped out of my clothes in a haze and wrapped myself in the complimentary big fluffy robe. I opened the bottle of wine I’d brought with me and poured a glass, drank it down, and then poured another.
My thoughts wandered to hotel rooms and Hob Nobs. To New South Austrians. To Betty Boop lamps and Will Bennett. I thought about my mum who’d died and then my dad who’d left me. I thought about Sasha who never called, Luke who never came around much anymore, and Liam . . . Liam who no longer saw me.
In one way or another, they all left. They all left, but now they wouldn’t have to. My husband could find a better wife, and my children would have a better mother.
And everything would really be fine.
2016
“Hey, bud.” I smiled at Carter as he walked towards me, and then I spotted his teacher following not far behind.