I lean down and lift her up, then sit down behind her. Leaning against the lounger, I open my legs and pull her back into my front.
She puts one of the beers down on the ground and passes the other to me, before leaning her head back against my chest.
I slide my hand to the side of her face and cup her jaw, angling it so that my mouth can reach hers.
My tongue invades her mouth, seeking out hers.
This is us. Her and me.
“Woohoo. Look at Dad kissing Mum like that,” Cater calls out.
“Wait for it.” I smile as I talk against Sarah’s mouth.
“Hey you, Dad,” Lucas calls out. “Stop kissing her. She’s my pretty girl.”
Sarah’s shoulders shake as she laughs, and I laugh with her.
“Not today, bud. Today, she’s my pretty girl and for the rest of the night, too.”
I wink at Sarah as she smiles up at me.
“Why are you home so early?”
“I wanted to see you.”
She lifts her sunnies from her face and sets them on her head.
“Missed me, have you?”
“I always miss you.”
She turns her head towards me but I can’t see her clearly enough so I twist her around so that she’s straddling me. It’s our favourite conversation position it’s pretty good for sex too.
We search each other’s eyes for a few long moments, and our smiles slip away.
“Why are you really here?”
I look over her shoulder and watch the boys for a few moments. Carter has Archie on his shoulders, Flynn has Lucas balanced precariously on his, and they are all firing Nerf guns at each other.
“Like I said, I’ve missed you. I’ve felt you pulling away the last few weeks.”
She loses a breath of air at my statement. I know talking about her depression can bring on her anxiety, but I’m here. We’ve got this.
“Breathe, baby. Deep breaths, and then talk to me.”
She does exactly that.
“Everything’s so perfect right now.”
I nod my head, scan the pool to check that there’s still four heads above water, and then look back at her.
“Everything is pretty perfect right now.”
“But I can feel myself slipping.”
“I can see you slipping, but don’t worry, I won’t let you go.”
“I know but I feel so bad. We’re in a good place. It’s just—”
Her face crumbles, and tears spill from her eyes and land on my light blue shirt as she looks down into my lap.
“Why can’t I just be happy? Look at those beautiful boys, my gorgeous husband, and this house. This house, Liam, it’s all just so perfect.”
I pull her against my shoulder, but she resists and sits back so that she’s looking at me as she talks.
“Somebody told me once that happiness is a choice. That if you choose to be happy, it will come to you. I do choose it, Liam. Every day, I choose it. I’ve been happy lately, but these past few weeks . . . I don’t know.”
She wipes her face with the backs of her hands and looks around, instinctively checking on the boys.
“What do you need?” I ask her. My heart hurts and my throat and chest feel tight as I watch the tears roll down her cheeks.
“You want some time away? A break from us, from me? Just tell me, and we’ll sort something out.”
“No, no break.” She shakes her head as she speaks. “But thank you. Thank you for offering, for putting up with this, and for loving me. I honestly have no clue where I’d be without you.”
“Don’t thank me, Sarah. I’m your husband, we’re a team, and we’re in this together.
I lost sight of that once, and I almost lost her, I’ll never let it happen again. I was so wrapped up in setting up a business that I didn’t see what was going on right under my nose.
The past year or so has been fucking tough and almost cost us our marriage. We’ve seen counsellors, doctors, experts and specialists, but what got us to where we are now is our love for each other.
When it first happened, I had no clue it was happening. My wife was disappearing right in front of my eyes, and I never noticed a thing. It wasn’t until everything turned to shit that I took a breath, stood back, and looked at the bigger picture. I realised that her light had been fading for months, years even, until eventually, it had gone out.
In the beginning, it was so hard for me to understand what she was going through. In my head, she had everything—a beautiful home, a husband that worshiped her, and four healthy and amazing children. Yeah, our lives were busy, incredibly so, but we made it work. Between school runs, football training, playgroup, swimming lessons, and work, our lives were run with military precision. The problem was, we forgot to factor any time in for each other. I never saw that she was fading away.