“When will she be allowed home?”
“I think we’ll keep her for a day or so and then as long as we’re sure she’s not a danger to herself or anyone else, she can go home.” The doctor stood to leave. “I’ll send a nurse in to take you to see her once you’re ready.”
“Thanks, doc.”
“Yeah cheers,” Luke called after her.
We sat in silence for a long while, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I recalled conversations, comments, and interactions. There was nothing. Not a single clue that she was even considering something like this.
“I don’t know what to say, Del. I’m at a loss.”
“You and me both, mate.”
“I mean, she loves those boys so fucking much. You and them, you’re her life.”
“Perhaps we’re not enough.”
“Nah, there’s something else. Something else has happened. Something’s triggered this.”
The door opened and a nurse stepped just inside.
“Liam?” I stood and nodded. “I’ll take you in to see Sarah now.”
“This is Luke, Sarah’s brother. Can he come in with me?”
I didn’t want to face her on my own. I was scared. Scared of what I would see, scared of what I would say. What should I say?
“I’m sure that’ll be fine.”
She was in a room right opposite the nurse’s station. The bed looked huge. She looked tiny. There were machines bleeping all around her and a drip set up with saline hanging from it.
I pulled a chair up to her bed and took her hand. It was warmer than I expected, much warmer than it had felt in the ambulance and this settled me a little bit.
Luke leant across from the other side of the bed and kissed her forehead.
“Fuck, Sunshine, what did you do? Why didn’t you ask someone for help?”
The guilt that was gnawing at me since I found her took a large bite, and I allowed it to sink its teeth in deep, right down to the marrow of my bones.
I should have seen this coming. If not this, then something, I should’ve realised that something wasn’t right.
And then I remembered, I did. I thought she was having an affair and absolute shame weighed heavy in my chest, comfortable right next to the guilt.
***
I sat with Sarah for the rest of the night. Luke left but came back a few hours later with some decent coffee and a change of clothes for me and toiletries and sweats and a hoodie for Sarah. He then went back to our house to take care of the kids.
I called my parents and my sisters. We could keep this quiet, just between us, but I needed my family, and I thought Sarah would need them, too. My mum booked a flight while I was still on the phone to her and would be in England in two days.
Maggie called me continuously, but other than the few lines I used to deliver the news, I had nothing else to say.
I didn’t have answers when everyone asked me why. I had never known anyone suffering from depression or a mental illness, because surely that was what this must be? Nobody attempted to take their own life when they were feeling great.
While I sat in the chair and waited for her to wake up, I went through Sarah’s bag the hotel had delivered for me. I searched, looking for a clue or something, anything to give me an idea of what she had been thinking.
There was a nappy, a bib, and a dummy. A travel pack of baby wipes. I found crayons and a Superman action figure. A pen, her wallet, her phone, and lipstick—Boots No 7 in Tawny Rose.
I went through her phone, but there was nothing but photos of the kids at Christmas, last year’s birthdays, and lots from our holiday in September.
I opened up her Facebook app and scrolled through that. She hadn’t posted anything in a long while other than photos, so I went through them. That was when I started to see it.
She’d added photos from before she opened her account, photos of us, selfies she took of us in bed, in the car, or out on dates. There were heaps of our wedding, and even more of us in Australia. Then there were some of her growing belly and pictures of Carter and us with Carter on all of our travels. In all those pictures, she was smiling and full of life. The way that she looked at me in some of the pictures took my breath away, and I leant across and kissed her just because I had to.
Then there were the ultrasound photos of the twins and then pictures of the twins when they were born, and then when they came home.