“It’s hard to know you’re alone. Like really alone. Sometimes I think it would have been better if they’d died, you know? Like really died, in a car accident or something. I’d have closure that way at least. But to be not-wanted, yeah, that was hard.”
Andrew sat back in his seat and sighed. “I had no idea. Though I knew something had happened. Your eyes flinched when I mentioned family, and then you vetoed my question about your tattoos.”
“And I thought I hid it well.”
Andrew smiled, though it was brief. “And I made you watch How To Train Your Dragon 2, and the dad died. God, Spencer I am so sorry.”
“You weren’t to know,” I told him. “And to be honest, it kind of blindsided me. I wasn’t expecting it, and I just got barrelled. I didn’t mean to freak on you like that. If I’m being completely honest, I’d been out of sorts all week. You know, some cute guy I was supposed to be working for was doing my head in. I’d spent years not allowing myself to feel anything, and then this guy from the cover of Sexiest Geek Alive knocked me on my arse.”
“Oh,” Andrew mumbled quietly. It took him a second to realise I was talking about him. “Oh.”
“I’d told myself years ago that I’d never let anyone get close enough to hurt me again,” I admitted quietly. “I have kept myself at a distance from any kind of relationship. But then there was you.”
Andrew blushed and gave me a shy smile.
I had to say this now, or I never would. “And I have to admit Andrew, it scared the hell outta me. I kept thinking I could see myself with you, and that went against everything I’d spent years telling myself. I never wanted to put myself out there, ya know? But then I realised when I left you there with Eli, that I already had. And I thought you chose him, and I was unwanted all over again. So my head was all over the place, with you and my family. I don’t know if that explains why I lost my shit last night, but that’s all I’ve got.”
He looked right at me. “It more than explains it. And you are not unwanted, just so you know. Quite the opposite. You were on the cover of Trendy Living in LA, were you not?”
I smiled at his attempt to make me feel better, and it was a nice change from the heavy topic of conversation. “Come on, dig in. Or it’ll get cold, and then Zineb will yell Arabic at us for not liking her food.” I waited for him to have a few bites. “I promise I won’t lose my shit on you again.”
He chuckled around his mouthful of pancake. “Can I ask you something?”
I wasn’t sure what else there was to say. “Sure.”
“You never wanted me to get back with Eli?”
I put my fork down and sipped my tea. Here it was. All or nothing. “No. I didn’t. When you stayed with him in the bar, I thought it was what you wanted. I mean, it was what we worked at. But I hoped. And hope was something I hadn’t allowed myself to feel for a while, I guess. And you know, that dreaded hope can be a dangerous thing. I mean, you were different. From day one, you weren’t like any other guy I’d worked for.” I huffed out a laugh. It was so ridiculous to say this stuff out loud. “And I tried to keep it all separate, but I couldn’t because you see, I have a stupid heart, and a stupid brain, and then we kissed.”
Andrew smiled the eye-crinkling kind of smile. “And by God, you can kiss,” he said. This time it was me who blushed, which he clearly found amusing, or appealing, or possibly both. “And just so you know, it was what did it for me.”
“Kissing me?”
Andrew nodded, and he cleared his throat. “I thought I was fooling myself, thinking we, you know, you could ever be interested in me. I mean, I thought I wanted Eli back, which I can see now was not what I wanted at all. When he left I was missing something. I wanted something, I just didn’t know what it was. But it was never Eli. God, you made me realise he didn’t know the first thing about me. And then you kissed me and…” he flushed a full shade of red up his neck, “…and I thought that can’t be part of the act, right?”
I shook my head slowly. “I wasn’t acting.” I shifted in my seat. “In fact, I don’t think I ever was with you.”
He pushed his empty plate away and bit his lip. “So we’re seeing if this goes somewhere? You know, just so we’re on the same page. It doesn’t have to be anything official. I just want to spend time with you.” He frowned. “I tend to get ahead of myself, so if I’m reading this wrong…”
My chest suddenly felt too small for my heart. I let out a nervous laugh. “You aren’t reading this wrong. I just wanna spend time with you too. And I know it’s only early days, but just so you know, I’m not opposed to official.” Then I shrugged. “I’m not overly familiar with it either, but if we’re gonna do this, we may as well do it properly, yeah?”
His smile was really something special. Then he looked around the café and waved over Zineb. “I think we need to leave,” he told me. “I need you to kiss me again, and I don’t think we should do that here.”
I barked out a laugh, and he looked up as Zineb arrived at our table. “Check please.”
CHAPTER TWO