His words send me reeling, but one in particular catches me. Love? I ask.
In a moment, he has closed the distance between us. An intensity burns in his eyes like I’ve never seen before. Yes, Fei. Love. I loved you the moment you looked up at me so defiantly from the ruins of that broken shed. I loved you all the years we spent growing up together. I loved you when you told me you were leaving to join the artists. Throughout it all, my heart has only ever had one person’s name on it—yours. And you can talk all you want about rank and how we can’t be together, but I know you love me too.
I raise my hands and actually think I might be able to convincingly deny it. But my hands tremble, and something in my face tells him the truth—that I love him too, have loved him since that beautiful, glittering boy came to my rescue. A boy who’s now become a man of passionate conviction, a pillar of strength at my side.
Then, before I realize what is happening, Li Wei pulls me to him and kisses me. Back when he nearly kissed me at the inn, he was timid and cautious. No more. There is a power and certainty in what he does as our bodies meld together and I lose myself in that kiss. Once I felt like I had too many senses, now I suddenly feel as though they’ve all disappeared. I hear nothing. I see nothing. All I’m aware of in the world at that moment is the feel of his lips on mine. It is dizzying and exhilarating, somehow leaving me both hot and cold all over and filling me up from my head to my toes with emotions that are as foreign to me as new sounds.
When we briefly break apart, I am breathless. I feel as though I am seeing the world with new eyes now that I’m no longer trying to convince myself I don’t care about him. Opening myself to my feelings and the truth has freed me. Li Wei kisses me again. I’m a little more prepared—but only a little. That kiss floods me with heat and longing as well as a renewed sense of hope and purpose.
I’ve waited a long time for that, he tells me. And I should have done it sooner. This is fate. You and me. Come on—let’s go. Let’s circle around and follow the road leading out of the township. We’ll go wherever it takes us. There is nothing left for us in the village.
I have spent much of my life dreaming, imagining things that aren’t but could be. It is how I create my art. But this possibility facing me now is something I never dared hope for, that I could go off with this boy I’ve long loved, that we could live a dazzling life in which I could use my art to capture beauty instead of despair. It is heady and wonderful, and I want it so badly. I want to leave behind the darkness of our past and move forward to a future filled with beauty and sound and joy. . . .
Li Wei, I can’t, I say.
Fei . . . you can’t tell me you don’t love me.
You’re right, I can’t tell you that, I agree. Because I do love you. But it’s not that simple.
Nothing could be simpler, he insists.
You said there is nothing left for us in the village, but you’re wrong. My sister is there. I can’t leave her. I stop to take a deep breath and steel myself. How is it possible to have gone from such joy to such sorrow in the blink of an eye? For a moment, I felt like I had the world. Now I feel as though I’m losing it. If you don’t want to go back, I understand. You can go off and find that new life. But I have to go back for Zhang Jing, no matter how difficult.
He shakes his head vehemently. No, we can’t be separated again. We must talk—we must figure this out—
A noise from the forest forces me to quickly turn around. I peer into the depths of the trees, back in the direction we came from. I see nothing yet, but there’s no mistaking it: the sounds of the soldiers. They’re getting louder—closer.