any blood or brain matter. I did not see a body. There was a cleaning-product aroma.
You must air out this disgusting house! I said to no one. His laptop computer, a basic PC, was on the desk. I turned it on and when I looked up, I saw the balding European man. He was holding a cup of coffee. I noticed his shoes were loafers open at the toe. He took a sip and nodded at me. Then he opened the door and strode out. I got up to close the door, and I looked both ways in the hallway. I went back to the desk and examined the computer. I clicked all over the place. The contents of the hard drive had been emptied, and erased. The background was the computer’s default wallpaper. It chilled me to the bone. This suicide was not an impulsive act of desperation; it had been thought out and planned well in advance. Now the only question was how long ago, how long ago did the thought he could kill himself pass through his brain? I didn’t even have a potential motive, except the six reasons, plus one philosophical reason that I didn’t even know. I stared for an eternity at the blue patterned wallpaper. Then I clicked on the trash icon. The entire hard drive was erased, except one document.
A NOTE ABOUT
SWANS AND ORGANS
—
SEPTEMBER 2013
I am X. Moran, born February 10 1984.
Who am I to you?
I’m a person, a Korean adoptee.
I have two parents and one sister.
I have a mom in Korea.
What am I to you?
Inside me are organs that keep me alive.
*
This past year so much has happened to me.
I am about to drive to the hospital. So much happened. Here are the highlights from the past year.
I hope you understand.
2 0 1 3
Jan.—Nothing
Feb.—I was up late one night, and I clicked on this link to a program about a young woman who was about to die, because she was waiting for an organ. She was so far down on the list, she probably died after the program. This was the first time I had heard of something like that happening and it made me upset. Why should people die like that, when there are so many healthy people with extra organs they don’t need? It didn’t seem fair.
Mar.—I had my first living organ donation interview. The nurse made me give two references. I put down Helen, and Zach. My hope is that they don’t call Helen, I can’t think about what she would tell them. They asked me a lot of questions and did all these tests. In case this one doesn’t work, I made appointments in St. Louis, Janesville, Chicago.
Maybe the best thing about this month was an orphanage called me. I couldn’t really understand the woman, she had a bad accent, but she told me my mom in Korea was looking for me! After all the time I spent looking for her! It made me really happy. She gave me more information, and a contact number for a translator.
Apr.—I received my first letter from my mom translated into English! It was cool. She asked me how I was doing and she said she felt guilty about giving me up. She said it wasn’t her idea. She asked me to come to Korea to meet her. I didn’t tell anyone. I wanted to tell Helen since she was the one who told me to stop searching. But that would have been like saying I told you so. No one likes it when people do that.
Also I was rejected as a living donor on grounds that I didn’t understand what I was doing. The doctor felt I was too young. I’m almost thirty! I went to the interview in St. Louis. I was rejected from Chicago. It’s terrible to receive these rejections, it feels bad. They told me to apply again in five years. What am I doing wrong?
May—I went to see a kidney doctor right here in Milwaukee, Dr. Abe. I used dad’s insurance card, which was a mistake because the bill was sent to our house. My parents don’t know anything about what I’m doing. I’m positive they wouldn’t understand. I tried to intercept the bill, I checked the mail every day, but I must have missed it. Or it was never sent.
I wrote my mom and I sent it to the translator. We have made plans to meet in Seoul! It’s crazy, but she really wants to meet me. I imagine her as a short Asian woman with a round face. She says she washes dishes at a restaurant, and she lives above it. It made me feel bad. But I guess it could be worse.
Jun.—I have never liked traveling but I have decided I will travel this year, I will learn how to do it for a greater cause. I flew to Colorado and stayed with relatives. I told them I was interested in fly fishing. They dressed me up in fly fishing gear and we went out to a mountain stream. The water was cold. We caught so much fish we didn’t know what to do with it. I wanted to throw it back. I have always hated the taste of fish. We kept eating fresh fish every night for dinner. I put it into my mouth then spit it into a napkin. The truth was there was a doctor I wanted to see, and I had an interview with him. I have never cared about fly fishing.
Jul.—Before I left, I got another rejection.
I went to see Helen in July, where she very kindly put me up in her TINY apartment in NYC. What stood out to me was going to the zoo with her, and a collection of the saddest most pathetic animals I have ever seen. They looked like a crazy person’s household pets. I stayed with her for one night and from there, I booked a one-way flight from JFK to Seoul, to finally meet my mom!