Everything in my memory was significant in relation to his suicide; it was like staring at a wall for hours when you’re on drugs, the wall becomes packed with meaning and menace. I stepped outside to mail my rent check. It was a relief to take a break, and I shut the front door with a kick to the brass plate. At the end of the driveway my adoptive parents had installed a whimsical mailbox in the shape of a fat cow, its legs and udders dangled down, forever humiliating my adoptive brother and me. As I shut the mailbox, a police car pulled up. The engine shut off and two policemen got out, I turned away quickly, the car doors slammed shut, and I heard boot heels clicking toward me.
Excuse us, ma’am, do you live here?
I looked at them hesitantly; they looked depressed and impulsive, I wanted to ask them if they ever considered suicide. Because there were two of them, I was very nervous.
I used to live here, I said. Why?
We’re just checking in on things, they said. How long have you been here, and how long are you staying?
A couple days. I’m here to offer my support.
That’s nice.
I realized one of the police officers was a blonde woman with short hair like a man’s, and masculine features, but it didn’t make me feel better. She looked meaner than the man.
Are you related to the people that live here? said the woman.
I’m the adoptive sister-daughter.
Are your parents home? We’d like to have a word.
You’re welcome to come in, I said, but my adoptive mother isn’t feeling well.
So you’ll be at the funeral, the female said.
I hope to be.
Give her this, said the man.
It was a small white envelope, to Mary and Paul.
I watched the car drive away. I was in another one of my philosophical moods. Ultimately we must take matters into our own hands and decide our own fate, which is what I was beginning to believe my adoptive brother did when he killed himself.
31
There was a park that no one liked near my adoptive parents’ house. I liked to go there when I was in high school, because I was always in trouble, and alone, and crying. I hadn’t yet come into my Sister Reliability role, I wasn’t of service to anyone, not even to myself; I was just another troubled female.
The park was almost always empty. There was a man-made lake with no ripples, some benches scattered around the lake, a tiny wood bridge, a few small man-made hills to run up and down, a grove of elms and oaks. No one went to that park; children hated that park. Perhaps old men who lacked imaginations liked that park. Everyone else thought it was boring, and it was. It was possibly the worst park in the history of parks. I walked from my adoptive parents’ house to that terrible park, and it matched up perfectly with what I pictured, with what I remembered from skipping out of high school to escape to the park, to go and sit underneath a nonnative tree, to smoke a cigarette and smell the fresh-cut grass and geese shit. When I was in high school, they didn’t have the funding for the program to remove and exterminate geese. The geese lived their lives, and then some brainless person, I’d guess a male, made the decision to collect and exterminate them, because they covered everything in their shit.
My daughter is going to slip and fall, someone said.
She deserves to fall on the shit, I thought, if she can’t pay attention to what she’s doing. Mankind will go extinct soon. I became interested in that idea. No one was there to stop me, or to say Helen, you are thinking very negative thoughts, humans are not that bad, for example…
The third day of my investigation I sat on a bench in front of the lake devoid of geese. I smoked a cigarette and another. I was smoking meditatively when I saw Thomas jogging around, Thomas stretching his legs, Thomas tying his shoes, Thomas putting in his earbuds, Thomas doing jumping jacks, Thomas in a purple polo shirt and black athletic shorts.
Thomas! I called out to him. Thomas!
He ignored me and kept running.
Young lady, said an old man sitting on a bench directly across from me, did you know this park was built on top of an old Indian burial mound?
I was surprised a man even noticed me, I was usually invisible. And most people never registered that I even had a sex, they saw me as a small and shabby adult, someone to be pushed out of the way. I got up from the bench, ignoring the old man, and ran after Thomas. I was very out of shape and by the time I reached him I was gasping and out of breath.
Thomas, I said. I touched his arm.
What more do you want from me? he said as he began to slow his pace. Haven’t I told you enough?
Something has been bothering me, I said.
So what’s new about that.
I need to know something. Did he ever say anything to you about working with a Korean professor?
He didn’t go to college, how could he work with a professor?
He told me he audited the class.
Thomas shook his head and picked up his pace.
Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror? he said. You constantly have a crazy look on your face. I bet you didn’t know that. Well, it’s true. I have to go, good luck!