“You deserve more.”
I do. I deserve a commitment. A future. Things he can’t give. I won’t settle for less, but I’ll give my all to him one last time.
With my body, I offer him all I can’t communicate out loud. With my kiss, I tell him I love him; I tell him I’m lost without him. I make love to him with each pass of my tongue, screaming silently into his mouth all the words I can’t say with my lips.
All the I love yous I’ll never say.
He makes love to me. Thrusting in and out. Kissing me savagely. Whispering my name against my lips like a benediction.
As if I’ll save him.
As if I could.
We don’t speak as we clean up, neither one of us wanting to ruin the moment. I want to hold onto us for just a while longer.
We lie in each other’s arms. The cadence of our breathing is the only sound in the room. With my head on his chest, I listen to his heartbeat. A sigh escapes my lips.
“Bridget . . .” He takes my hand in his and I close my eyes. “I love you.”
“You can’t,” I plead.
“And yet I do. Desperately.”
“Grant—”
“No. Let me do this. Let me say this. You deserve to know how special you are to me. I love you. One day you will meet someone, you will fall in love, and have all the things you ever dreamed of. I need you to know, there will never be anyone else for me.” He kisses me again. Recklessly. Passionately. “I can’t let you go,” he mutters against my lips.
“You need to,” I whisper.
“I know.”
After heading to the airport and catching the next commercial flight back to the States, I make it home. The first thing I do is call Olivia. For the first time in a long time, I really want to hear my sister’s voice. She shows up an hour later, the pain in my voice evident enough to make her come.
“Is it Grant?” she says.
“I’m so stupid,” I cry.
“You’re not weak or stupid. You’re in love with him. That’s all.”
I cry on her shoulder for the better part of an hour. She doesn’t say anything but allows me to feel all the hurt. Live it, own it, embrace it so one day maybe I’ll move on. After a while she pulls away, looking me in the eyes.
“This pain you feel will subside, Bridge. I know it doesn’t seem so right now, but it will. Someday you’ll have the capacity to love someone else.” She smiles a sad smile. “One day you’ll look back and wonder how you could’ve ever been with a man who didn’t respect you enough to leave his wife for you. You don’t want to be with a man like that. You want one who loves you so much he’d move the world for you. Wait for that man to come around. Don’t settle for anything less.”
“There’s so much more to it. I wish I could tell you, but I can’t. I owe it to him to keep his secrets.”
“You don’t owe him a thing.”
“It hurts so bad. I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone like him.”
“You can and you will. You’re stronger than you think.”
“I feel broken.”
“You’re not broken.”
“I am. I’m not strong like you. You rebuilt your life.”
“You’re wrong. You’re the strongest of all three of us. You always have been. You’re the glue that has always held us together.”
Her words fill my soul. Build me up. Give me strength to believe I’ll be okay.
My door flies open and I jump to my feet out of instinct. Spencer stands inside my door, red-faced and baring teeth.
“Are you kidding me?” Spencer shouts, coming around my desk and thrusting me against the wall. “How could you sleep with Bridget?”
Fuck. I should’ve known this conversation was coming. As much as I want to fight back and defend myself, I don’t.
“You don’t understand,” I grit through my teeth.
“I don’t understand? Are you fucking kidding me?” His hands turn white. “You’re married and have a daughter and, for fuck’s sake, Bridget’s a kid.”
“She’s a grown woman. She can make her own decisions. You know nothing about her.” Bridget may be years younger, but she’s not a child. She’s smart and beautiful and I won’t allow him to say anything otherwise. “Not that you’re one to talk. How old is Olivia?” I bite.
“You’re not good enough for her, Grant. You’re a fucking mess.”
My eyes narrow and teeth grind together.
“I don’t need you to point out all of my faults, Spencer. You and our father have been doing it for years.”
“This isn’t about us, goddamn it. This is about you hurting Bridget.” His words bounce off the walls in angry waves. He still has me pinned against the wall, so I push roughly against his shoulders. He stumbles back.
“I wouldn’t hurt her,” I yell back.
“You already have.”
My shoulders slump at his words. My hand comes up to my head, wiping the sweat from my face. I knew I hurt her, but to hear it from Spencer is the worst.
“Olivia is consoling her as we speak. She’s fucking broken.”
“Fuck,” I yell, feeling the need to put my fist through a wall. Anything to stave off the pain his words produce.
“I warned you to keep your hands off of her.”
“I’ve never listened to a damn thing you’ve said, Spencer. Why would I start now?”
Punch. “I said I’d kill you.” Punch. Spencer does as he promised. Putting his fist in my face repeatedly. I should let him. I deserve it.
“I love her,” I mutter as the acrid taste of copper fills my mouth.
He stops punching me and steps back. His eyes are pinched and a frown forms on his face.
“What?” he asks as though he can’t comprehend what I’m saying.
“You heard me, damn it. I’m in love with her.” I swipe roughly at my bloody lip. “I’d be with her now if she didn’t have me by the balls.”
“Who? You’re not making any fucking sense.”
“Chelsea,” I spit out. “Chelsea is blackmailing me.”
Spencer gasps and steps away. Taking a seat, he swipes a hand through his hair. “Start from the beginning.”
I tell him everything.
Every word I speak makes me feel lighter than I have in years. I’ve kept this in with the exception of confiding in Bridget and it feels good to unload years of lies and secrets.
“Let me help you. Put your pride aside and let me help you.”
I nod, knowing I need his help. For the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful.