“I love you,” Brooke said, just before Gina took Natalie away. Brooke tucked her treasured purple blanket snug around her sister and then, just like their mother, Natalie disappeared.
Thinking of that moment now, Brooke tried to distract herself by heading into the bathroom to shower. She had an appointment at the women’s health clinic at eleven, and it was already nine thirty. As she let the warm water rush over her, she considered her options. It had been a week since she realized she was late, which meant she had plenty of time to figure out her next step, but so far, the only thing she had decided to do was make this appointment to confirm the results of the home tests.
Two hours later, after taking yet another test at the clinic, Brooke sat in a small office with a woman named Jill, who couldn’t have been more than a day over twenty-five.
“So,” Jill said. “You’re definitely pregnant.” Her bright eyes and positive, bubbly demeanor made Brooke think she probably had been a cheerleader. Jill glanced down at the chart in front of her. “About eight weeks along, according to when you had your last period?”
“I think so, yes,” Brooke said, holding her hands together tightly in her lap. Her stomach growled; she’d been too queasy to eat before she came. Now she was ravenous. She wished she’d thought to bring along a snack.
“Have you informed the father?” Jill held a pen with her right hand, poising it over the paper in front of her.
“No.” Brooke purposely hadn’t seen Ryan that week, telling him she had a stomach bug and didn’t want him to get sick, too. Wrapped up in finishing a big job on a high-rise condo project, he hadn’t pushed the issue. “Call me when you’re feeling better,” he said, and later that night, when she came home from an office-cleaning job, he’d had her favorite hot and sour soup delivered from a Thai restaurant down the street. A sweet gesture, to be sure, but a small part of Brooke couldn’t help but wish he’d shown up to deliver it himself. She couldn’t help but feel that if he really cared about her, her germs wouldn’t matter. Having this thought surprised her—she’d never been a needy girlfriend—but something about the idea of carrying Ryan’s baby made her wish that they were closer—that the minute she’d taken those tests, she could have called him and told him the news. She wished she had it in her to admit to how scared she was—to ask him to comfort her and help her make the right decision. Instead, she kept silent, clenching her jaw as she made the appointment at the clinic.
“Do you know who he is?” Jill asked. She kept her eyes pointed down, at her desk.
“Yes,” Brooke said, feeling embarrassed to be having this discussion with a girl fifteen years her junior. Her hair was in a side-pony, for Christ’s sake. She had perfect skin and cherry-pit dimples. She couldn’t possibly know anything about making this kind of life-changing decision.
Jill set her pen down and looked at Brooke. “Well, there are three options. Parenting, adoption, or termination. We can assist with any of them.” She paused. “Have you thought about which you’d like to pursue?”
“I’m not sure.” Brooke shifted in her seat, crossed her legs, and began to bob her right foot as it hung in the air. “I’m thirty-nine, so this could be my last chance to have a baby.”
“That’s true,” Jill said. She waited for Brooke to continue.
“The father is going through a divorce,” Brooke said, quickly. She maintained strong eye contact with the younger woman to show she was not ashamed of her situation.
“Okay,” Jill said, leaning back against her chair.
“And I definitely won’t give it up for adoption.”
“You’re not comfortable with that idea?” Jill asked, with a slight tilt of her head.
“No,” Brooke said. Her voice was hard. “I’m not.” She wasn’t against adoption, per se. Under normal circumstances, she knew it was an incredibly generous act, an amazing gift given to a couple or individual in need. But in her particular situation, with her particular past, it was something she just couldn’t do.
Jill remained silent, waiting for Brooke to say more.
“I can’t keep it,” Brooke said, and her voice broke on the words. Tears stung the backs of her eyes, and she attempted to blink them away. Goddamn it. She didn’t cry in front of other people, especially not strangers.
“Okay,” Jill said, again, pushing a box of tissues across her desk.
Brooke grabbed one and wiped her eyes. “Can I take care of it now, while I’m here?” she asked even as her bottom lip trembled. “Or is there some kind of waiting period?” Her stomach folded in on itself, and without thinking, she placed a hand over her abdomen. Oh, god. What was she doing?