“It’s okay, baby,” I said, sensing she was worried she might be hurting my feelings. “I’m happy you like them. I want you to have good things.”
Brooke visibly relaxed. “They have lots of toys. And food, too.” She babbled on for a while about all the different things Rose cooked for them, and which ones she liked the most. I listened as best I could, jiggling Natalie with one arm while encircling Brooke with the other, but there was a siren blasting in my head, causing my thoughts to blur. Someone else is feeding them. Someone else is picking out their clothes and kissing them good night. I will never get to do that again. I’ve lost them. My eyes glossed with tears.
“Where have you been?” Brooke asked me, jerking me out of my thoughts. “Why haven’t you come get us?”
I stole a glance at Gina, who gave me an encouraging nod. “Well,” I began, then cleared my throat. “I’ve been here, sweetie. I can’t come get you. Mama made some big mistakes.”
“But I want you to. I don’t even care if we have to go camping. I want to be with you.”
“I want that, too,” I said, wishing I knew the right thing to say. Wishing I could soothe her. “A judge said that Mama has to be in here while you stay with Rose and Walter.”
“Like when I have to be in time-out?” Brooke asked, and I nodded. Gina had told me earlier that Brooke was too young to understand if I tried to explain what was really happening, that she’d do better if I just hugged her and kissed her and told her I loved her so much. “She’ll adjust,” Gina said. “She’ll figure it out.”
“Hey,” I said, thinking distraction would be the best way to change the subject. “Want to read a story?” I nodded in the direction of the corner with the basket of toys, where a small stack of tattered books rested on the floor.
A few moments later, I had both girls in my lap as I read to them, cherishing the feeling of their small, warm bodies pressed against me. Brooke covered both herself and Natalie with her blanket, her fingers working the satin trim for comfort, as I knew they would. I read them all the silly, meaningless stories, and then we read them again. I asked Brooke to point out different colors and letters as we went and let Natalie pat the pages with her chubby starfish hands. Will they remember this? I wondered. Will this moment be something that lives inside them the way I know it will live inside me?
As the hour passed, I stared at my daughters, determined to etch every detail of them into my brain. I memorized where Brooke’s hair parted—on the right, her shiny dark curls sprouting out of her scalp like springs. The exact shade of her eyes, the way her nose turned up, just at the end. The cinnamon freckles sprinkled across her cheeks. I kissed all of Natalie’s fingers and toes, blowing raspberries into her belly to hear her giggle one last time. I looked into her brown eyes, seeing my own gaunt reflection there. Don’t forget me, I thought. Please. Don’t forget how much I love you.
All too soon, the door opened, and the silver-haired woman reappeared. “Hour’s up,” she said, and Gina and I both stood. Shaking, I held Natalie against the left side of my chest, feeling the rapid, sweet beat of her heart against mine. Brooke clung to my right leg, pressing her face into my thigh, away from the woman. Every cell inside my body screamed the word no.
“Time to say good-bye,” Gina said, quietly.
I felt a thousand pinpricks inside my lungs. Do it quick, I thought. Rip off the Band-Aid. I squatted down to Brooke’s level, which forced her to let go of my leg. “Hey, pumpkin,” I said. “I’m so happy I got to see you.”
“I don’t wanna go,” Brooke said, her eyes shiny with tears. “Please, Mama. I wanna stay with you.”
My bottom lip quivered, and I bit it. “I know you do. But it’s against the rules.” I paused. “I love you more than anything. You know that, right?” She nodded, pushing her face into my neck. I could feel her tears.
“Here,” the silver-haired woman said. “Let me take the baby.” She took a step over toward us, and that’s when Brooke screamed, lashing out her arm to hit the woman on the knee.
“Brooke!” I said, unable to keep back my own tears. “You know better than that. It’s not okay to hit!” Natalie began to cry, too, and I held her tighter.
“It’s fine,” the woman said, holding out her arms for Natalie.
I stood up, and I couldn’t help it—I took a step back, twisting at the waist so Natalie was out of the woman’s reach. Even though I knew I’d agreed to all of this, I felt a fierce need to protect my baby. I wanted to grab both my daughters and run.
Gina appeared at my side. “Jennifer,” she said. “Don’t make this harder than it already is.”