The following Tuesday morning, my mother called to tell me she was coming down and wanted to see Scotty, if he was free after school. I told her she could take him to play therapy and get his dinner if she’d like, and she jumped at the chance.
“Thanks,” I said. “That will give me some time to go to the gym and maybe catch up with a friend.” I was getting much better about letting her help out and not feeling it was an indictment on my parenting.
“How nice. Jillian?” she asked nosily.
“No. A guy friend.”
She said nothing for a moment.
“Just a friend, Mom. I’m not gay.”
“OK, OK,” she said briskly. “You know I don’t care either way, I’m only interested in your life. I want you to be happy.”
I closed my eyes. “Yes, Mom. I know.”
When we hung up, I texted Sebastian. Can you grab a beer after work?
Sure. Time and place?
Jolly Pumpkin at 7 work for you?
See you there.
? ? ?
I’d asked Sebastian to meet me because I needed advice, and he was the closest guy friend I had these days. Plus he was married to Jillian’s sister and might have some insight as to what I could do to make things right.
He was there when I arrived, sitting with Natalie Nixon’s fiancé Miles at the bar, and I shook both their hands before sitting next to Sebastian.
“Hope you don’t mind my joining you,” Miles said. “I had to get out of the house. Working from home can be a little stifling.”
“I hear you. I did it for a while too.” I ordered a beer and took off my coat.
“So what’s new?” I asked Sebastian. “I haven’t talked to you for a couple weeks. Thanks again for putting me in touch with Skylar about the photo. It was perfect.”
“You’re welcome. I heard she loved it.”
“She did.”
“I’m glad. Jillian is a great girl.”
“She is, but I…” I sighed, running a hand over my beard. “I fucked up.”
Neither of them said anything while our beers were set in front of us. Once the bartender was gone, Sebastian asked, “How so?”
I gave them the bare bones of what happened, and it was amazing to me how much clarity came from telling someone else the story. As the words poured out, it was almost like being able to take a step back, see things from her point of view, or even an outsider’s, understand my fear and defensiveness better, and put them in perspective.
“Wow,” Sebastian said, taking a drink of beer. “So she said no to giving you more time? That doesn’t sound like her.”
“I think it was the way I asked. She wasn’t convinced I would use the time to work through anything. But I have—I just don’t know what to do now.” I closed my eyes and exhaled. “I need advice.”
Sebastian recoiled. “Oh Jesus. I’m the last person who should give relationship advice.”
“Why not? You and Skylar have a great relationship.”
“Yeah, but that’s because of her. I tried to sabotage it a thousand times before I realized how lucky I was that she understood me and accepted me, and that I had to stop trying to drive her away.”
“Why did you try to drive her away?” I asked.
“Fear. Plain and simple.”
“I did the same,” put in Miles. “I was such a dick to Natalie after I realized I had feelings for her. Just because that was easier than facing them and upending my life.”
I nodded, understanding. “That’s it exactly. And I’m so fucking tired of being afraid. I love her. I want her in my life. In Scotty’s life.”
“Then go get her,” said Sebastian.
“I don’t even know if she’ll have me. I might have missed my chance. She said she was done waiting.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, Skylar says that shit to me to sometimes too. It’s because they know we need to hear it in order to quit fucking around and get our shit together.”
“Agreed,” said Miles. “I actually know for a fact that Jillian’s fucking crazy about you. I shouldn’t say this, but she came over to the house last Saturday night and she was a mess.”
“Fuck.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “That’s the day we fought. She called me out on my bullshit and I was a stubborn asshole.”
“Yeah, she admitted she was harsh. She was all kinds of fucked up about it. But she loves you. And she wants you, trust me. Not on any terms though—she was clear about that. She wants the real thing.”
“She deserves it.” I grimaced. “So what do I do now?”
“Something that will show her you know you were wrong, you’re ready to give her what she wants, and you understand what’s important to her,” said Miles. “Then you have to figure out a fucking amazing way to do it. Impress her.”
“How do you know all this?” I shook my head. “You’re like an expert.”
He grinned and tipped back his glass again. “‘Cause I had to do it too.”
I thought about it for a minute as I took a few sips of my beer. “Her job is important to her, but I think family is the closest thing to her heart.”