“It’s hard,” I admitted. “I don’t love that part of it.” And I knew I shouldn’t jump down their throats for seeing the same things I did and asking the same questions. But I couldn’t help but defend him.
“As long as you two are communicating, that’s the main thing,” Skylar said. “Fuck what we say or anyone else. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”
Her apology was what brought a few tears. “It’s OK. The truth is, I want more than he’s giving me too, but I feel like I can’t ask for it.”
“Why not?” Natalie was indignant.
“Because I’m scared he’ll leave.” The tears spilled over. “We made this agreement when we first got together two months ago or whatever, that we’d go slow and be cautious. I said I understood not being his first priority, and he warned me he could never give me all of himself. I still get that.”
“But what?” Skylar rubbed my arm. “I feel like there’s a but coming.”
“That sounded dirty,” Natalie whispered.
I laughed ruefully, grabbing a tissue from a box on the counter. “The but is that I want more. I’m OK not having all, but I want more than he’s giving.”
“Do you think he’s capable of giving more?” Skylar asked.
“Yes,” I said firmly, swiping at my nose. “But he’s stubborn. And convinced he has to balance things this certain way, with me on one side and his son on the other. He feels safer that way, I guess.”
“I don’t get it,” Skylar said. “Safer how?”
I hesitated. I didn’t want to betray Levi’s confidence by revealing the things he’d told me, but I also needed some advice. “I think he’s afraid. The night he first told me he loved me, he admitted that he was scared he couldn’t love us both enough. As if he only had so much love to give, and by giving some to me, it meant less for his son. Maybe he’s thinking if he really lets me in, he’s a bad father.”
“That’s ridiculous.” Natalie put a hand on her belly. “Showing his son that he loves someone and lets himself be loved is a wonderful thing.”
“It is,” I agreed, “but he has a lot of guilt over not wanting a baby before his son was born. Part of him still feels like he has to make up for that.”
“But where does that leave you?” Skylar pressed.
I sighed. “It leaves me wondering what I originally wondered. Is there a place for me in his life or not? But…I’m scared to ask. I love him now. What if the answer is not?”
“OK, I know I’m the baby sister here,” said Natalie, “but I have to say from experience, staying in a relationship where you’re not happy just because you’re scared of what will happen when you ask the hard questions is a bad idea.”
“I second that.” Skylar held up one hand. “In addition, there have to be truthful answers. If Sebastian had been honest with me about his relapse when it started instead of waiting until the breaking point, it could have saved us a lot of pain.”
I tossed my tissue in the trash and washed my hands. “So you think I should say something more?”
“Yes,” they said together.
“But what? I’ve already said that I want to meet his son, and I’m ready. It’s Levi who isn’t. Do I say do it or else?” Groaning, I tipped my forehead into my hands. “I don’t want to issue any ultimatums. That is so not me.”
“I don’t think you have to put it that way,” Natalie said. “But I do think you’re worth more than you’re getting. I wish you believed that.”
“Me too,” said Skylar.
I nodded, feeling the tears threaten again. I had a decision to make. Could I be content with what I had with him for now and trust that it would grow to be more over time? Or should I ask for more, believing I was worth it, and risk losing him?
I spent all of Thanksgiving Day worrying.
I arrived at my parents’ with a pie that Jillian had given me to bring, a cherry pie her mother had baked.
“How sweet,” my mother said, taking it out of the box and leaning in to smell it. I had the urge to do that too, thinking it would smell like Jillian.
Jesus. I was messed up.
“When do we get to meet the famous Jillian?” my mother asked, setting the pie on the counter. “You could have brought her tonight, you know. Did you invite her, like I asked?”
“She’s with her family,” I said, avoiding the question. Later, at the table, I fretted so much I could hardly eat.
Jillian was getting restless. I could feel it. And she had every right to be. It was wrong of me to keep her from meeting Scotty. She loved me and she wanted to be part of my whole life, not just my Girl Friday anymore. Could I blame her?
I didn’t like it either. From Saturday through Thursday, I thought of her every other minute. So many times I caught myself wanting to bring up her name to Scotty, so it wouldn’t be such a shock to bring her into our life as someone who was important to me but completely unknown to him. A gradual approach would be better.