Slouch Witch (The Lazy Girl's Guide to Magic, #1)

‘Those weights aren’t that heavy. You’re not that weak.’

He was right; the weights weren’t heavy at all. ‘Says the man with muscles that Popeye would envy,’ I muttered. I had to be careful not to overdo the straining or he’d get suspicious.

‘Keep up remarks like that,’ Winter told me, ‘and all you’ll get for lunch is boiled spinach. I got these muscles by working for them. You can do the same.’

Yeah, yeah. I glared; I also shut up. With the facial expression of someone in pain, I lifted ten times, clenching my jaw and holding my breath to make sure my cheeks stayed red. It might have looked as if I were giving it everything I’d got but it felt like I was lifting air. Ha! Take that, Mr Smarty Pants.

I couldn’t cheat on every exercise. Some of the strange contortions he made me do were impossible to fake and sometimes he didn’t look away long enough for me to cast a spell. All in all, though, it was a successful venture. Winter wasn’t stupid; if he’d checked closely enough, he’d have worked out what I was up to. His trouble was that it didn’t occur to him that I’d try fake my way through getting fit.

I was lucky our binding would last only three months. I doubted Winter would fall for my tricks for long. But then, for all I knew I couldn’t trust him any more than he could trust me. He may have had something to do with Bell End and his partner breaking into Eve’s flat. They were all in the Order, after all.

Despite managing to fudge my way through most of the exercises, I was still exhausted by the end of them. My whole body was in agony.

Winter scratched his chin and cast a critical eye across my bedraggled and sweaty appearance. ‘I was going to move onto sparring,’ he said. ‘But I think that’s probably enough for today.’

‘Great.’ I was really looking forward to getting back home. I didn’t even care if my sheets were still wet; right now I’d sleep almost anywhere.

‘Take a quick shower,’ Winter said. ‘After that, we can hit the library.’

I went very still. ‘Excuse me?’

‘Why? What have you done?’

I glared at him. ‘You know what I mean. Why do we need to go to the library?’

Honest-to-goodness surprise flickered in his eyes. ‘So we can study.’ Belatedly he seemed to understand what I was getting at and slowed his speech as if he were speaking to someone of very low intellect. ‘The library is where books are kept. Books contain knowledge. If you read books, you can learn things.’ Winter raised an eyebrow. ‘You can read, right?’

I shook my head. ‘Nope. Not a word. So there’s no point going near any books.’

Winter remained deadpan. ‘Hmm. In that case, we’ll need to spend even more time in the library than I thought. We can begin with basic phonics.’ Damn it. The corners of his mouth twitched. ‘I’ll teach you the alphabet song.’

‘I hate singing.’

‘It seems, Ms Wilde, that you hate everything and everyone unless it involves lounging around at home and doing nothing at all.’

I grinned. ‘So now you understand why all this training is a waste of your time.’

He gazed at me with sapphire-hued promise. ‘I don’t fail, Ms Wilde. Ever. The Ipsissimus wants me to prove myself so that is what I will do.’

‘I’ve told you before, my name is Ivy.’ I put my hands on my hips. ‘And failure is good. People who don’t fail have no understanding of their own limits.’

Winter leant closer to me. ‘People who don’t succeed aren’t trying.’

It was like talking to a brick wall. I suppose I should have been grateful that sometimes he showed glimpses of a sense of humour. I sighed. ‘I’m going for that shower.’

‘Fifteen minutes,’ he called after me. ‘Or I’ll come in after you.’

That was too good to pass up. I turned round. ‘You can come now if you want. I’ll soap your back. You can wash my hair. And then we can—’

‘Shower, Ms Wilde,’ Winter interrupted flatly. ‘Now.’

Scratch that about his sense of humour. The man was no fun at all.

***

As before, Winter took off at tremendous speed. When it became clear that I wasn’t going to sprint alongside him, he tutted loudly and slowed down to match my pace. I could tell it annoyed him from the way he kept clenching and unclenching his fists. This was fun.

‘There are two main methods of performing magic,’ he informed me.

‘Casting runes and herblore.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘I’m not a complete idiot.’

‘I never said you were. If you let me finish…’

I swept out a grandiose gesture. ‘By all means.’

‘Casting runes is effective for spells that need to be completed in a hurry. However, as I’m sure you know, First Level witches can only use basic runes to perform basic spells. Even Second and Third Level witches struggle to remember enough runes to act quickly and effectively under pressure.’

‘So you’re a herb lover, huh?’

‘I use both types of magic equally,’ he responded stiffly. ‘The point I was making, Ms Wilde, is that preparation is the key to magical success.’ He glanced at me. ‘How did you bespell speech upon your familiar?’

‘You do realise that sometimes you speak like a Victorian, right?’ Winter glared at me. I sighed and pushed back my damp hair. ‘Runes.’

‘So you did it when you were a Neophyte? You must have gained access to that knowledge through the library.’

‘No,’ I said distantly, focusing on a group of witches on the path ahead. ‘I did that when I was around fifteen or sixteen.’

Winter stopped. ‘You what?’

Too late, I realised what I’d said. ‘Er … familiars live longer than common house cats,’ I demurred, hoping to deflect his attention.

‘If you were talented enough to achieve that at sixteen, then why would you feel the need to cheat a few years later?’

I shrugged awkwardly. ‘Maybe I was too lazy to study.’

Winter’s eyes narrowed. ‘Indeed.’

I could tell him the truth; it was usually the easiest option and in any other circumstance that’s what I’d have done. But I’d been down this road many times before and I knew he’d never believe me. Tarquin was too slick: I’d given up trying to tell the truth about my supposed cheating years ago. I’d railed and shouted and pleaded; it hadn’t done me any good whatsoever and at some point I’d given up. It was too much effort to continually plead my innocence when the world thought otherwise. People believed what they wanted to. Whatever. It was their problem; not mine.

‘It wasn’t that big a deal,’ I said. ‘Really.’

‘I consider myself a talented witch, Ms Wilde, but I’m not sure I could manage such a feat even now.’

‘I got lucky,’ I mumbled.

‘There’s no such thing as luck.’

It was my turn to stare in astonishment. Every witch I’ve met is superstitious. Hell, even I’m superstitious. Of course I’m superstitious – it comes with the territory. The last thing I’d pegged Winter for was a fortune sceptic. ‘Four-leaf clovers?’ I said.

He shrugged. ‘Pretty plants.’

‘Magpies?’

‘They’re just birds.’

‘Itchy left palm?’

‘Allergic reaction.’