And she did look like her daddy. Her real daddy. She looked exactly like Jack. It was somewhat eerie, actually, how little she resembled me, how little it mattered that I had made the egg, that I had been the one who had done the work of growing her for nine months and would continue to put every ounce of who I was and what I had into raising her, long after she was the age where she actually needed to be raised.
At times, I almost felt like Jack should have warned me that he possessed the world’s strongest genes. Then again, I had to consider that it was only in my mind, that her clear resemblance to a man few people I knew had ever met was nothing more than a figment of my imagination.
For the rest of our lives together, it would be the thing that sat, heavy and unspoken, between Carter and me; it would be the thought I could hear him thinking. Which is why nothing could have prepared me for the night, when Caroline was nine months old, when he came to me and said, “Do you think we should start trying again?”
It had caught me so off guard I said, “Trying what?”
He laughed. “For another baby, of course.”
I know I looked at him like he was delusional. He rubbed his big, rough thumb over Caroline’s dainty cheek and said, “She’s so perfect, Ansley.” He stared at me, that deep, penetrating stare that disarmed me so fully. “You did such a good job with her. Why wouldn’t you do it again?”
Fear coursed through me that he was challenging me, that he could see inside me, hear my thoughts, know that while I was in love with him, in love with my life and my family and fully committed to all of the above, ever since that rainy night in Georgia, Jack had been the tune that I could not get out of my head, the hum that constantly ran in the background.
But he couldn’t know. I’d never told him, never talked to Jack, never visited him, never done a single thing to betray my thoughts. And so, in some ways, I realized that refusing to do what I had done before would be an admission of my feelings, a confession that no, Caroline’s father was more than a hazy memory from my past, and yes, we were dancing on some dangerously thin ice.
I looked up at him and said, “Carter, are you sure about this? Are you certain you can go through this again?”
He smiled at me encouragingly and leaned down to kiss me. “As long as I have you,” he said, “I can do anything.”
As I stared down into Caroline’s sleeping face, I knew that I had already begun to feel that pull on my body, that maternal feeling that nudged me, that whispered in my ear that one would never be enough. I already knew that I would want another baby to love. But I had never imagined that Carter would go through all of this again. I had never considered what, in the end, this complicated decision might cost me.
THIRTY-FOUR
only one
caroline
Once Dad was gone, my sisters and I always used to wonder when Mom would start dating. We had seen friends’ parents do it. We knew what that looked like. While the idea of my mom moving on with someone else made Sloane’s stomach turn, it was something I was endlessly fascinated by. I think I always knew the chances were good that she would find someone else. And I, for one, felt almost strangely comfortable and happy that it seemed Jack might be the guy she finally chose after all these years.
I watched Jack walk off the porch that night. I ran out the back door and got to him before he could get too far down the sidewalk. I was, sadly, out of breath. But for the first time in a long time, I didn’t care about what I looked like or what I felt like or what my situation was. I cared about my sister, my mom, my nephews, my children. My family. In this new phase of my life, I couldn’t see my family without Jack. I knew that if my mom was honest with herself, she couldn’t see a family without Jack, either.
Before he said anything, Jack wrapped me in a hug. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “I can’t imagine.”
I shook my head. “I can’t imagine, either. This shouldn’t happen to Sloane. She’s too good a person. I want things to go back to the way they were before.”
He nodded. “Yeah. Me, too.”
I pushed the hair out of my face. It was a windy night, the sunny, clear morning giving way to a blustery evening. “She loves you, you know,” I said.
He shook his head. “I thought she did. I always thought she would, anyway.” Jack sighed, tears coming to his eyes, too. “But I think she’s right. I think our time has passed. I need to move on.”
I nodded firmly. “You do.”
He looked puzzled.
“You know . . .” I started. Even heartbroken and exhausted, I was crafty, after all. “Georgia has strict rules against living on boats.”
His eyes widened. “What? Why has no one told me this?”
“They usually give you a bit of a grace period in Peachtree, mostly because Dockmaster Dan wants the cash, but it is against the law, and eventually you’ll have to move.”
“So you want me to move?”
Jack took his jacket off and wrapped it around my bare shoulders. I hadn’t realized I was cold until I was warm again.
I laughed. “Yes.” I paused. “I don’t know about your financial situation or anything, but I know of a great house on the market.” I raised my eyebrows and pointed behind me.
It was Jack’s turn to laugh. “Caroline, I can’t buy the house next to your mother’s.”
“No. I get that. It’s super expensive.”
He smiled. “Let me rephrase. I can buy the house next to your mother’s. But I probably shouldn’t.”
“Why not? No one else is living there. Seems like a shame to let that prime waterfront Peachtree real estate fall into the hands of someone else.” I gasped. “What if it’s some man who sweeps Mom off her feet?”
I could tell by the conspiratorial gleam in his eye that that did it. “What if it is?” he asked. And his tone was all I needed to tell me that the man would be him.
“She has always, always wanted to decorate that house,” I said.
I pulled a scrap of paper out of the pocket of my dress. “This is the number of Mr. Solomon’s son. I suggest you call him before it hits the market. This thing will go in a skinny minute.”
“So you were just carrying this around with you?”
I shrugged. “Truth be told, I was going to ask James to buy it for me as a summer house. He could suck up a little bit. But if you buy it, we’ll come stay with you.”
He laughed. “Caroline, there is only one of you.”
“So I’ve heard.” I turned to walk back toward the house, realizing that I had Jack’s jacket. I chased him back down the street and handed it to him.