I wanted to go to him, to stop those nightmares, or at least let him know that he wasn’t alone, but uncertainty stopped me every time. And this dancing, this nighttime dancing, that was private.
He spent every day of the following two weeks at the theater, coming home too tired to do more than slump in front of the TV. Twice, he asked me to come out with the other dancers after work again, but I always said no.
And then the unthinkable happened.
Collin asked me to marry him.
The day he came back to Chicago, he surprised me by showing up at the apartment with a bunch of flowers.
And he made his proposal while I was laying on the couch watching TV and Ash was pretending to wrestle with the coffee machine in the kitchen.
My nerves were shredded and I wished Ash would take the hint and go out. But he ignored all my signals, staying stubbornly put.
Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him slamming drawers and doors in the kitchen, thinking that Collin would sense something was up, but he was so used to pretending Ash didn’t exist, that I don’t think he even noticed.
I kept wondering if I was doing the right thing, and whether my infatuation with Ash was pushing me to make a big mistake. I didn’t think so, but ten years is a lot to throw away.
When I say Collin asked me to marry him, it wasn’t a big romantic proposal—that wasn’t his style. First of all he asked me to move in with him.
“Collin, I need to talk to you about . . .”
“I know—me, too. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking while I was away. We could save money if we live together,” he encouraged me. “And this apartment has never been practical for you, but you’re just too stubborn to admit it.”
I gave him a sour look as he blundered on.
“My place is far more suitable, and it means we’ll be able to save to buy sooner rather than later.”
“Collin, I don’t think . . .”
“Then we’ll get married, Laney,” Collin said enthusiastically. “Well, we’ll get a specially adapted apartment, everything you’ll need. I know, I know, you don’t need one now, but you will. One of us needs to plan ahead. When we have kids we can . . .”
His words jolted me out of my shocked stupor.
“No.”
He looked irritated by the interruption.
“No? What do you mean no? No what?”
“I don’t want kids,” I said.
“I know you don’t now, but . . .”
“Not ever.”
Collin looked confused. “But you love kids?”
I swallowed and looked down. “I’m not ruling out adopting a child one day . . .”
Collin’s face turned red.
“Why the hell would we adopt?”
I met his angry gaze stoically. “Because of me.”
His expression smoothed out.
“Honey, if you get sick or you can’t manage, we’ll hire help. Get a nanny or a nurse—whatever you need.”
I closed my eyes. He could be so kind. So darned oblivious and so kind. But his kindness bulldozed through my own wants and needs. It always had and I’d always let him. Until now.
“No, Collin. I don’t want children of my own, because I don’t want to pass on my genes. I couldn’t bear to see a child of mine suffer, knowing that I’d caused it. There are plenty of children out there who need to be loved, who need a family. I can adopt.”
Collin’s face went very still.
“And what about what I want? Suppose I don’t want some other man’s child. I want our child. That’s the whole fucking point!”
Collin never swore. He said it showed a lack of vocabulary, so hearing him now, I realized how upset he was.
“This shouldn’t be a surprise to you,” I said gently. “You’ve known all along that I don’t want children.”
“I didn’t know you meant not ever!” he shouted.
“Then you should have listened better!” I yelled back, my own anger and frustration igniting. “I told you I didn’t want kids on our third date!”
“Every woman says that!” he roared. “Nobody ever thinks they mean it!”
I lowered my voice. “I meant it then and I still do.”
Collin rubbed his hands over his face.
“Laney, honey, they’re making great medical strides all the time. Your illness is kept in check.”
“Yes!” I interrupted angrily. “Because of the drugs I take—the toxic drugs that I’d have to give up before getting pregnant. I could lose the mobility that I have now. Permanently.”
He backtracked immediately.
“That’s not what I meant. You’re twisting everything. You always do that.”
I tried to swallow my anger, knowing that everything I said was hurting him.
“Then I’ll be really clear, so there’s no misunderstanding. I don’t want to get pregnant. Ever. I don’t want to have my own children. Ever. I can’t risk it.”
Collin leaned back in his seat.
“And I don’t get any say in this?”
I shook my head, knowing this was final. Even if I’d chosen Collin, he wouldn’t have chosen me—not in the long run. The threat of tears made my throat close up.
“No, you don’t.”