For that reason, he didn’t move. Andrew had too much to lose, especially now. “I’m glad for you,” he said, working hard to keep his voice steady.
“Thank you. I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing. I will make enemies by supporting her cause. But I have seen the injustices for myself. The law should be at least altered, if not changed completely.”
If he claimed Andrew now, he would respond. His eyes, so wide, the centers so dark compared to his usual cool gray, told Darius so. As did the tense way he held himself. Did he know he had clenched his hands?
Dear God, Darius longed to cup that face, smooth from a recent shave, to kiss away the doubts, to touch and take.
He could not. Andrew could become an important man, a champion of the unfortunate and the unjustly accused, as well as bringing the justly accused to their reckoning. He needed his life sinless, clear, no shadow on him.
Yet would a taste of wickedness help him? Would he see that life was not black and white, right and wrong, if Darius showed him how wonderful breaking the law could be?
If he had Andrew, he would want more. Darius no longer doubted his feelings for this man. He was head over heels in love, and he’d better find a way to cope with it. “I will, of course, support you. I have seen the problems too, far too close for my liking. My brother’s predicament, when a totally malicious case was brought against him by those who would harm him, for instance.”
“Yes,” Andrew said. “I thought the case weak, but it did Lord Valentinian a great deal of harm.”
Darius shrugged. “He had himself to blame for some of it, but even that, in a way, was my fault. Because of my way of life, he chose to appear particularly flamboyant and create scandals of his own. That reputation followed him into court.”
“He did it for you.”
Recalling some incidents, Darius smiled. “And because he enjoyed it.”
He had said enough. Although he loved Andrew, he could never show it, nor could he expect to be any closer than at the moment. They had no future together. Andrew would be better not knowing how Darius felt. He had his own life to live, his own career to forge. Darius shoved his hands in his breeches’ pockets and strode restlessly around the room, crossing silk-knotted rugs and highly polished mahogany floorboards indiscriminately. “We may leave soon.”
“Are you so eager to escape?”
“Yes.” Darius spun around, the heavy skirts of his coat hitting his thighs as they swung. “I cannot remain so close to you. I know we cannot consider what I can’t stop thinking about. So we are better apart. Let memories fade. One day you may find a wife.” Even the thought hurt him, spiking through him with sharp daggers of jealousy and regret.
“I will not do so,” Andrew said softly.
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because I know.” He closed his mouth and picked up his untouched drink, tossing it off in one gulp. “I will have a career and a daughter to raise. My life will be full enough.” He said it as if he were reciting a lesson rather than meaning it. Darius knew because he’d done it himself, created a life that he would convince himself was enough.
It was not. But it would have to be, because he wasn’t getting anything else. A series of affairs when he could no longer resist the urges of his body was all he could expect. It sounded as if Andrew was forgoing even that. A life of celibacy, most likely. He felt the loss, his stomach sinking when he considered the waste. A good man, but without love he would harden his soul and spirit, lose that connection with other people. Perhaps his daughter could save him.
Darius certainly could not.
He drew the note Miss Childers had given him out of his pocket and scanned it. “It’s an inn on the Dover road and a date,” he said. “I’ll forestall him. Our quarry is to be there in four days’ time to meet his superior. Presumably he will collect his money from the bank and leave for the coast. Next Friday. If I am there waiting for him, I will have a better chance than if I arrived in the last moment. I’ll leave on Wednesday.”
“Should I accompany you?”
With a half smile he glanced up from the note at Andrew. “I have never seen you on a horse. I take it you can ride?”
“If I have to,” Andrew said, stiff-lipped.
Darius broadened his smile. “I see. Aren’t you afraid we would be too intimately connected?”
“Not if I meet you outside the city. And we will have attendants, will we not?”
He was brave to make the offer. One Darius would have to decline. “Indeed. Miss Childers isn’t the only person with trusted retainers. But you are best remaining here and preparing for the legal battle that could ensue. I’ll take both men if I can, or arrest Bartolini after his contact has gone. It really depends on who he is there to meet.”
Andrew’s gaze went distant, and then he jerked up his chin and met Darius’s eyes. “When I was to meet Bartolini at Mother Fleming’s, I was to say, ‘Green apples aren’t easy to come by at this time of year.’ Code words to let him know he had met someone who could help him.”
“Ah, thank you. That’s a damned foolish thing to say. You can find green apples all over the place in October.”
“I think that’s the point. It’s not something people would generally say at this time of year.” Andrew’s eyes gleamed with amusement. “What will you do when you discover the contact?”
“If it’s someone significant, I’ll leave it to the authorities to deal with.”
“You’ll tell General Court?”
Andrew really did look elegant, sitting there, so poised. Darius shook his errant thoughts away. “I know more reliable people than he. He is a clumsy operator at the best of times, and he would probably not talk to me. He is not sympathetic to…me.”
Andrew didn’t miss the pause. “You mean to men who prefer men?” His eyes gleamed, the warrior of justice there for all to see.
Since Darius was the only person present, he got the full benefit. “Yes. He’s hardly alone in that view. Most of the country feels that way.”
“Yes. So is it cowardice to deny it?”
“No, it’s common sense.” Darius gentled his voice. “For someone in your position. I cannot press you to do anything. Your daughter is young, and she will need protecting and caring for. I see that. I understand that.” He swept into the lowest bow he was capable of making. “You have my understanding and respect, Andrew. You will always have that.”
The clock chimed the half-hour. They had been in here far too long. “Come,” Darius said. “We should go.”
Andrew was already on his feet. “Indeed.”
He appeared every inch the alert, smart man he was, no hint at his other side, the one Darius wanted to explore. He’d discovered the sensualist beneath the neat clothes, the alert expression, and he longed for more. Such a man would conquer everything. But he understood why Andrew would wish to close that part of himself down.