I want to bury my face in my hands and cry with confusion when I think about it. Reid and I are not compatible. He’s cocky and can be a complete asshole, yet all I can think about are the small moments in between. I think about the way he is with Roman, or the small gestures that show his protectiveness of me, like bringing me the ladder or fixing my car. Reid Riggins is the kind of guy most women say they would never, ever consider getting tied up with, myself included. Yet , I let my best friend’s ex-husband have unprotected sex with me and fill me with his cum. For the second time. Ugh.
Some part of me keeps trying to make myself feel bad about it, too. It’s almost like the voice of my parents is ingrained into my subconscious somewhere so that no matter how far I get from them, I’ll never really be away from their judgment. That voice tells me I’m a slut. It tells me I’m irresponsible. That I shouldn’t even let a guy like Reid touch me, let alone consider having his baby. It tells me I’m being a short-sighted little girl for thinking I’m ready to have a baby with a guy I probably will never have a long-term relationship with, or have a baby at all, for that matter.
I can’t argue with any of it. All I know is I want the baby. Maybe I’ve suppressed my biological clock all these years because I thought I’d never find the right guy to give me a baby. I don’t know what it is. One way or another, I want this baby. And if it’s not inside me yet, I want to keep trying until it is. I can’t tell a soul, either, because I don’t need an outside opinion to tell me how crazy that sounds.
“You’re practically glowing,” says Tara. “Did you get laid last night?”
I nearly choke on my water, covering my mouth and coughing. “Sex? What? Who would have sex with me?” I ask in an overly high-pitched voice.
Tara lifts her sunglasses and narrows her eyes. “Since when do you keep secrets from me?”
I sigh, running my finger along the rim of my cup idly. Neither of us have mentioned the yelling match at the festival since it happened, and I can feel it hanging between us, even now. “Can I tell you something really, really stupid?”
“Okay…” says Tara slowly.
“I want to have a baby.”
“Oh,” says Tara. She sounds a little relieved. “That’s not stupid. I mean, you’re starting to really get settled in with the new business, in a few years you could even--”
“No,” I say. “I mean… I want to have a baby like… now.”
“What’s the rush?”
“Well, I saw this thing on TV about how dangerous it is for older women to have babies, and you know, I’m getting older. And who knows how big a family I might want, so I’d need to get started soon,” I realize I’m talking fast and making very little sense, but I can’t seem to slow down or stop. “And everyone thinks you need a guy to have kids, but I mean even if I was by myself what would be the big deal?”
Tara frowns. “Did you have a one night stand last night?”
I lower my head, breathing out some of the stress of keeping it all to myself. “Technically, I think it would be a two night stand.”
“Oh my God,” says Tara. “With who?” I can see the hint of anger behind her features, waiting to burst free. She suspects.
I wince. I should have told anyone but her. She cornered me though. And it’s not like I can just say it was some guy she wouldn’t know. Everyone pretty much knows everyone here. “I--well--don’t want to say.”
Tara gives me a dry, threatening look. “Come on. Tell me.” There’s a touch of menace in her words. She knows. She just wants me to admit it.
“No,” I say.
“Sandra,” she says warningly. “You can’t just drop a bombshell like this and then hold back the juiciest part. You’re going to tell me. So help me God, or I swear I’ll come over this table and we’ll scrap. Right now.”
I grin, but Tara doesn’t return my humor.
“Girl,” she says. “I’m dead serious.”
Tears well in my eyes. “I can’t,” I say.
Tara lifts the sunglasses and I see the full certainty of it in her eyes. She’s put two and two together. She closes her mouth and presses her lips into a hard line, planting her palms on the table. “You fucked Reid.” It’s not a question. It’s an accusation.
“Yes…” I say quietly. “But the first time was an accident.”
“Oh, okay,” says Tara, a little too loud and in a tone verging on hysteria. “Sorry, Reid! I slipped and fell and your cock just stuck right into my pussy. Over and over again. At least it was just an accident, because if my best friend fucked my ex on purpose that would hurt really bad, you know. But thank fucking God it was an accident.”
The whole restaurant is watching us now, and likely storing away the juicy bit of gossip they just heard. By afternoon, everyone in the entire town is going to know I slept with Reid.
“And this baby talk?” she asks. “You have the fucking nerve to want to have my ex-husband’s baby? You think he knocked you up? You think you want that?” Tara stands, eyes wet with tears. “Believe me, honey. You don’t want Reid Riggins or his fucking children in your life. He’s a deadbeat loser, and he turned my only son against me.” She stomps toward the door and then turns again, pointing a well-manicured finger at me. “So fuck you and fuck him. I hope he does get you pregnant so he can ruin your life too.”
“Tara, please. Just wai--”
The door slams behind her, making the little bell dangling above it ring innocently. There’s a few painful seconds of silence before the restaurant starts to hum again with conversation. I can feel everyone’s eyes on me, judging me. I grab my purse and rush outside, needing to be anywhere but here.
I get in my car, which Reid finally gave me back after dinner and… what followed after dinner. Tara’s words keep repeating in my head, the sting still fresh. But growing up with my parents forged a certain stupid stubbornness in me. It’s not something I’m proud of, but Tara basically telling me I shouldn’t want to be with Reid makes me want to be with him more. It doesn’t erase the guilt or shame of it, but there it is. Where before, my feelings were a gray, muddy, and hard to read middle ground, Tara helped make it more clear. She wants to turn this into her or him? A year ago, I would have chosen her any day of the week. Now, I’m not so ready to take her side.
She has blown me off one too many times. She has chosen her boyfriends over me more than once. She thinks I can just be her doormat, loyally waiting for her until she needs me? Screw that.
I just hope I’m not using him and the potential of having a baby as an excuse to take my mind off my real problems. One way or another, I’m going to lose my bakery. My world is going to be turned upside down and I’ll have to pick up the pieces and rebuild. Is it so wrong to want a man in my life to help me do it? I’ve turned away help for so long because it always felt like a surrender, or charity. Being with Reid would be different. Somehow. I don’t know exactly how I know, but I feel it so surely it can’t possibly be wrong.
When I get back home I see Mark’s truck waiting outside. I sigh, bracing myself for the interaction I know is going to leave me wanting to hit something.
He’s leaning against the truck, wearing a casual outfit of a polo and slacks. I can see hints of Reid’s features in him, but Mark has lived a soft life, at least physically, and it’s written all over him. From the slight sagging skin under his jaw to the ruddy complexion and the pudge around his belly.