Sinful Longing

He sighed with a note of regret, but his voice seemed hopeful too as he answered her. “I made some mistakes when I was younger. I held onto a debt longer than I should have. This is my amends.”

“I’m a big fan of making changes,” she said, smiling as they talked about redemption and all its possibilities. So refreshing to hear him speak openly about amends. Sam had never truly embraced that concept, though she’d desperately wished he had. Even during his rehab stints, he’d never tried to apologize for his past sins and omissions. His behavior sober was remarkably similar to his behavior when he’d been high—yet another reason why she’d never trusted his recovery. It had never stuck, and he never truly changed.

Clearly.

He’d died in her arms smashed on cocaine.

Colin, on the other hand, seemed to live a recovering life. He gave of his time. He opened his heart. He’d learned from the past. The man she knew now was exactly the kind of man she could see herself falling for. Colin cared about kids, and he was kind, smart, passionate, and sexy as hell. For a brief moment, she imagined their relationship with no rules, no boundaries, no lines, and she could see Colin fitting seamlessly into her life.

As more than her friend.

She wondered, though, what he’d been like when he was addicted, and if she would even have recognized him. Not physically, but emotionally—was he the same guy she knew now? Or was he more like Sam? Or even Charlie, who also seemed determined to live a changed sort of life.

After the call ended, someone rapped on her door, so she swept aside her musings about Colin and making amends. She rose and opened it, delighted to see Marcus on the other side. But her smile fell quickly—his face was white as snow.

“I need to talk to you. Badly.” His voice shook.

Worry coursed through her, a prickly flurry of nerves as she shut the door. “Of course, come in. What’s going on?”

He sank onto her couch and dropped his head in his hand, running his fingers roughly through his hair. Her heart lurched toward him.

“I need to talk. About some heavy shit. And you can’t tell anyone,” he said, raising his face.

“Are you going to tell me something I’d need to tell someone else?” She looked him in the eye, making it clear that she’d keep his confidences if they didn’t cross certain lines. “Because if you tell me you’re going to hurt yourself or someone else, there’s no confidentiality.”

“No. God, no,” he said with a brief laugh, but it was a joyless sound. “I just need this to be between us.”

While she wasn’t technically Marcus’s social worker, she’d been trained as one. And as the center director, she strove to abide by proper guidelines. That meant she’d keep whatever they discussed between the two of them.

“My family, who I’ve been trying to meet? My brothers? My sister?” he said, as if he needed to prompt her.

“Yes.”

He sighed deeply. “You know one of them.”

She cocked her head, trying to figure out who on earth it could be. “I do?”

He nodded and gulped. “You do. He’s a volunteer here, and I knew that when I first came to play hoops. He’s the reason I started coming around the center. To see what my family was like. To get a sense before I met them.”

The world froze. Everything and everyone became a statue as she swayed, absorbing his news.

“Colin Sloan is one of my brothers.”

She clasped a hand to her mouth. Then it was her turn to sink down, as she fell into her chair and tried to rearrange her shock so she could lend her support.

“My dad never wanted me to meet them,” Marcus said. “He always told me I was safer staying away from them. So I respected his wishes while I lived under his roof. I worry he’s going to be pissed when he finds out, but I don’t care. I have to do this. I need to go back and try again. Especially since I just talked to Colin in the hall.”

“Does he know?” she asked, her voice papery.

Marcus shook his head. “No. Not yet. But he seems like a good guy, and I want to do this right.” He talked more about his parents and the twisted tale of how his dad met his mom, and how his dad felt about her. When he was done, he took the biggest inhalation in the world, it seemed, and relaxed into the couch, spreading his arms across the back of it. “You’re the only person I’ve told about this. God, it feels good to finally say their names. To finally be able to talk to someone and share all the details.”

He was unburdened, buoyed with relief. Meanwhile, she’d taken on the weight of one of the biggest secrets she could ever imagine keeping from someone she cared for.

Cared for.

Holy shit. The realization crash-landed in her that Colin wasn’t just the man she was sleeping with. He was more to her. Even if she couldn’t have it, she realized she wanted more than friendship with him. More than just these sexy nights.

This wasn’t the plan. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to be her no-strings lover.