“Right. She became hard. Difficult. It was like she’d grown an exoskeleton around her body. An armor. Not just normal teenage stuff. Quite frankly, and I say this with all the love in my heart for her, but if she wasn’t my daughter . . .”
He left the thought unfinished, but Jenna knew what he meant to say. If she wasn’t my daughter, I wouldn’t like her at all.
“You two always seemed pretty tight,” Jenna said. “You and Ursula.”
“You mean she knew how to get whatever she wanted from me?” Ian smiled as he said it.
“Lots of daughters can do that with their fathers.”
“I guess I’m a softie. Maybe that happened because she’s an only child. Who knows?”
“I’ve noticed the change in her over the last few years,” Jenna said.
“All teenagers get a little mouthy and a little standoffish. It’s a difficult time. But it became more than that with Ursula. She was openly contemptuous with both of us, and she really turned on Celia. She was furious at her. Barely spoke to her. She really shut her out. I caught some of it too, but not as much.” He rubbed his chin, his face lit up by the dashboard display. “I never understood why she held it against me. I was as much a victim of the affair as she was.”
“God, Ian. Don’t be a martyr. You’re her parent. You were in the cross fire.”
“I guess so.” He continued to rub his chin. His face grew more somber. “When I suspected it was happening again, this last time, I didn’t know what to do. I saw our lives just unraveling. It was like tugging on a loose thread and then everything coming apart. I had to stop it. Or try to contain it at least.”
“So you spied on your wife.”
“I’m not proud of it.” His face turned more serious. He wore a look of wincing, searing pain. “I have to live with this, Jenna. No matter what happened to Celia, I have to live with the fact that I may very well have put her in grave danger. It keeps me up at night just thinking about it. I feel sick. Physically sick. And sick of myself.” He let out a long, slow breath. “I have to live with that the rest of my life. I just want you to understand it. I wasn’t making some rash, heartless decision.”
Jenna wanted to be mad but couldn’t. Even in high school, she’d never heard Ian so open, so vulnerable. And she could relate to the desire to protect her family at almost any cost.
“Like I said, I don’t know if it was actually William Rose or someone else who Henry Allen found to keep an eye on Celia. I certainly wouldn’t have gone along with it if I knew a madman was going to be involved. Never in a million years.”
Jenna couldn’t decide if she felt better or worse knowing what she knew. The knowledge that Ian had invited a possible connection between Celia and her killer sat like a heavy stone in her gut.
She leaned back, letting her head rest against the seat. “And whoever followed her didn’t bring you evidence of an affair?”
“No. How do I even know how good a spy he was? Maybe he just wanted to take someone’s money.”
Jenna couldn’t sort through it. The blowing heat made the car feel close and confined. It was getting late, and her eyes felt tired.
“I have to go,” she said. “I have to get home to Jared.”
Ian shifted in his seat. Jenna thought he was getting ready to leave, reaching for the door handle. But he kept talking.
“None of us are perfect here, Jenna. We’ve all made mistakes.”
Jenna wasn’t sure what else she could say to him, wasn’t sure how to offer support. She reached out and patted him on the shoulder, a gesture that felt both weak and ineffectual. But she wasn’t sure there was anything else she could do.
He leaned over, and they hugged. It too felt awkward, and Jenna made sure not to hold on too tight or too long. Sally was right. There couldn’t be anything else between them. Not even the remnants of a teenage fantasy.
She moved back, still disgusted by his revelations. “Let’s talk another time. Just let me know if you need anything.”
And then someone knocked against the window on Ian’s side of the car.
Jenna jumped. Ian turned and looked through the glass. It was Ursula, her mouth open, her face emanating disgust.
“Jesus, Dad,” she said, her voice muffled by the glass but still audible. “Fuck you.”
“Honey, wait.”
He was opening the door, letting the cold air of night into the car.
CHAPTER SIXTY-THREE
When they came in sight of the house and saw his mom’s car parked in the driveway, Ursula quickened her pace. She moved so quickly Jared couldn’t keep up, even though he started jogging to make up the gap.
He could tell the car was running. The lights were on and a faint trail of exhaust puffed out of the back. He saw people inside, sitting in the front seat, their bodies silhouetted in the glow from the console display. His mom. And? Ursula’s dad?